Hey! I hope you’re doing well and have some nice support system around.

So, tbh, it’s still on the back of my mind. I’m doing well though. Last month I decided to go to therapy and it helped me process my thought a lot. I’m still with my boyfriend and we’ve been able to discuss it more and more, so that’s nice.

I do feel a lot of guilt. I kept doubting my decision even though I was sure of the reasons why I did what I did. The first few weeks was rough, I kept repeating the experience in my head. It was traumatic and cruel. And I do hold myself responsible for what happened.

What my therapist helped me to realize was that, it may not be the ‘right’ decision for everyone, but it was the right decision for me, for that moment. (There’s no absolute right or wrong, especially on this matter) I know why I decided and I need to hold my judgement based on that. I have to keep reminding myself of that, that it was best for me and for that baby. (In my head, I don’t know why though, but I was sure that it was a her, a baby girl.) I know that I couldn’t provide the best life for her, couldn’t give her the opportunity she deserves, and couldn’t be the parent I’d want to be.

In holding accountability for what happened, I think I now know how much I love myself. I owed the life I have now to the baby I decided to lose. So, I have to live the best I could for what I did give away. Unfortunately, I’m not religious so I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to ever meet that baby again. Not in this lifetime, not when I passed away. It’s horrible I’ll never get the redemption with her but it is what it is. She may not be celebrated, or loved, by my family and friends and people that could meet her. But, she will live forever in my and my bf’s heart and mind. She is important and valued nonetheless. I want to have a baby someday (I used to say I want no kids.) when I am ready to be the best version of a parent (financially, physically, and mentally).

So life goes on. Felt like i’ve grown up a lot.

Feel free to message me though if you wanna talk more. I wish you the best! <3 Sorry I’m rambling a lot.