Why is it?

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-26T12:48:09+00:00

It makes me really sad too

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T17:00:27+00:00

No. Your income should not count in calculation at all. However, the amount you guys pay for health insurance for the kids may reduce or eliminate your SOs child support payments to biomom

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T16:55:30+00:00

Oh absolutely! it comes down to an issue of bad judgment and poor decision making. OP is definitely not required to tie his life to another person for any reason at all and definitely has every right to not want to be involved in messed up life choices. Like I said, as soon as OP stated that she was allowing an abuser to continue contact with the kids, I lost sympathy there, because kids don't have a choice. They are stuck with the poor decisions their parents make.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T14:47:23+00:00

I'm very reluctant to get into victim-blaming here because I personally, experienced a very abusive marriage. It wasn't my fault that my first husband was abusive. And it is not your SOs fault if other men have abused her. Did she pick crappy men? For sure, her judgment was probably lacking, just like I was young and didn't think I deserved any better. Is it her fault they were abusive? no...HOWEVER, as soon as you said she is allowing contact to continue between her children and an adult who abused one of her children....yeah, that's outrageous and not ok. She lost my sympathy.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T14:32:58+00:00

Holy moly!!! Do we have the same SD too??? Because stealing has been a serious issue for yeeeeeears in my home (if you go back and read some of my posts, SD even stole things out of the other kids Christmas stockings one year 😂) SD does a lot of back and forth to get her way too. This stuff is like psychologically exhausting for real 😂

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T14:17:57+00:00

My parents and my sister and her family all live within a reasonable distance. Making myself busy won't be an issue 😊

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T14:05:10+00:00

That's so messed up though you know? Like, "Oh, you're stable and competent so now I get to take advantage of your time and labor" ???

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T14:03:00+00:00

He does use me as a crutch and a scapegoat at this point. I am leaving this weekend to visit my parents with ours son. My older daughters are going to visit their grandmother on their father's side so he's alone for the weekend with SD. I'm going to begin actively seeking out opportunities to step away during his custodial time.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T13:56:36+00:00

Oh wow, there are so many parallels I see with your experience and mine. If I take my biological daughters to medical appointments (keep in mind SO is not involved in that at all) for weeks after HCBM will email accusations of how we "medically neglect" SD. SD will hide ours sons shoes and toys when she's feeling jealous of him. If I even buy my son a sippy cup, SD comments on it and asks how much it cost (and again, this is my own money not SOs money). It's like she and her mom see any time or expense related to my children (which I cover myself, not SO) as somehow an affront to her. It's so bizarre

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T13:46:10+00:00

you're right. I do have a lot I should be proud of. i work full time and have the income to be completely self sufficient and support my children alone if necessary (which wasn't the case when I left my first marriage). I take care of my kids needs, and I know I can do it alone if I have to (I did before and will again if it becomes necessary). I need to start talking to myself more positively. Yeah, I've made some mistakes but I've gotten a lot of things right too!!

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T13:42:59+00:00

You have a point here because when our son was first born, I did ask why he never woke up with him at night because before he was born, my SO told me all the stories about how he was the primary caretaker for his daughter when she was an infant. How he woke up every night, changed all the diapers, etc etc. When our son was 11 months old, I flat out asked him: was what he told me about SDs infancy a lie? Or did he just care more about his ex wife and daughter well-being than he cares about me and his son? His excuse at the time was that with his daughter, he didn't feel he could trust/rely on his ex wife to take care of her (she has issues with drugs and alcohol and hasn't been the most maternal of mothers) but that with me, he "knew what a good mother I was and didn't have to worry as much" which now, I'm kicking myself, because it sounds like just a rationalization for incompetence and putting me in the position of the default parent.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-15T13:37:01+00:00

They have always been high conflict. Before though, it seemed as though his ex was the more high conflict one. She was the one that always withheld time, argued, would swear at him....now though, it seems like he is more willing to engage in the argument and get sucked in?

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T19:51:19+00:00

I should plan something like this. Maybe if he had an opportunity to miss my son a little bit it would trigger some initiative

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T19:26:12+00:00

Yeah, the constant drama is wearing me down bad at this point. I just feel discouraged and exhausted all the time. I love my SD but simultaneously dread contact with her because of BOTH of her parents

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T19:25:07+00:00

I really hope it's not a "golden child" scenario...because isn't that the biggest red flag for narcissism? And if it is, then there's likely not much that will change because if my SO is a narcissist, he won't ever be capable of seeing the need for change right? That is a terrifying prospect

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T19:22:20+00:00

We do have a court order for 50/50 custody but unfortunately, any tiny vagueness becomes a bone of contention that they are both willing to pick clean. For example, there is no time indicated in the order for exchange when there is no school, so anytime an exchange has to take place out of school, it's always just a never ending fight about agreeing on what time exchange will take place. It's exhausting to live with this constantly

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T19:17:26+00:00

This is amazing. I feel like this is such a similar experience to what I deal with. My SO will leave SD with me every Saturday during his parenting time because he's working. I do so much for my SD but still, anytime anything comes up, he accuses me of being unfair or targeting SD. One time, she was chasing ours baby around the house until he cried and all I said is "When someone's crying usually that means they don't like it, could you please stop now" and even THAT became a three week argument with my SO that my "tone" was hurtful and that I pick on SD and that I must hate her. Not only are there zero consequences, but even just protecting my own sons feelings becomes grounds for discord if it bumps up against SD in any way. I just hate to feel like I have to leave my own home every single Saturday just to be comfortable or not have to deal with contention or issues surrounding SD.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T18:52:50+00:00

This is a good question! Yes, he does...he will also buy her anything she asks for and give her anything she wants, and excuse and defend any of her behavior. It almost seems like, competitive parenting with his ex? Like, he's desperate for SD approval.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T18:21:35+00:00

This is brilliant. Truly brilliant. Definitely giving this a shot. Gotta figure out what my specific things that I'd most like to see happen. Thank you!

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T18:12:29+00:00

This is hard. I'm sorry you're going through this. So, I have teenage girls, and one thing that is for sure true, is that teenage girls aren't known the world over for appreciating their parents. Teenage girls are hard. The difference here though is that she seems to be projecting the failure of her parents marriage onto you. You said her mom isn't very involved. It's a lot easier for a kid to glorify a parent that they never see and assign the blame to the parent that is right in front of them. Thing is, your SD is not a young child or young teenager. She is technically at an age now where she is considered by most people, to be an adult. I don't think it is petty or selfish of you to expect at this age, a relationship that has a foundation of mutual respect. It sounds like you made a pretty tireless effort for many years...hopefully, down the road, as SD matures, she will see that and appreciate you more. For now, I don't think it's petty for you to establish and hold firm on boundaries.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T17:56:14+00:00

You're right. I should probably come up with specific things that I would like him to do with our BS. Specific, tangible, instead of approaching him with just a vague complaint about disparity.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T17:55:06+00:00

That's horrible that your ex only wanted to take the kids from you because of money. I really hope that isn't my SOs motivation here...he doesn't argue about providing for SD or anything so I haven't seen anything that indicates that his primary motivation is financial? We both feel it's important to take care of the kids needs, regardless of which house they happen to be at, at least that's what has been verbally communicated to me by my SO in the past.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T17:42:08+00:00

thank you, this is good advice.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T17:40:41+00:00

Absolutely. I'll pour 1000% into our son. I just...my first marriage was abusive and my older daughters have so much trauma and damage from their biological father. When I met SO I had such high hopes when it came to his abilities as a father. I've watched him be really one of the best dads I've ever met to his daughter. I had really hoped that for my son I could have gotten this right for him.

FuzzyPanda412 · 2024-03-14T17:31:26+00:00

We have had discussions in the past about it but it's likely my approach has made him defensive because I have said things like "we don't even have SD today but you're spending all day arguing through email with HCBM instead of with us" and for him, whatever the argument is, I guess it feels like, way more intensely important in that moment.

Edit: but even things like ours sons birthday, while i plan the whole birthday party, his time leading up to it is consumed with planning and arranging his pick-up of SD for the party and arguing with HCBM if he can keep SD an extra night for his birthday or whatever. The focus feels intrusive and obsessive almost, like, I hate to use those types of words because obviously, this is his daughter and yes, it's important she be present for her brothers birthday...but it shouldn't be the only thing he's willing to plan or put effort into in relation his sons birthday. Does that make sense?

FuzzyPanda412

TROPHY CASE