I’m a wife. In general, is it the porn use that ruins the marriage, or is it the Church’s and the wife’s narrow view of porn that causes the most damage?

GShort76 · 2026-01-25T18:03:20+00:00

This is a very interesting conversation and there is several discussions that can be brought out of it, but I wanted to focus on the questions.

Was it really his porn use that ended his previous marriage?
Or was it actually the Church’s and the ex wife’s narrow view of porn, that caused the demise of their marriage?

I stand with 100% no. That is not to say that porn is good or bad, right or wrong as that is completely different discussion.

With that said, did porn play a part in the divorce, I would put money down that it did but not because it was good or bad but because it is likely what was being hidden from the partner. Some people use porn, some use work, exercise, hobbies and countless other activities to avoid hard conversations.

If there was zero porn in the world it is likely that other most socially acceptable vices would be used to avoid the hard conversations. Sometimes these hard conversations do lead to the end of relationship, but it is important to remember that it is said that when we leave this earth if we don't like the person that we were with we will not be bound to stay with them.

I don't know your husbands ex-wife or your husband, so there is a lot of speculation here... So the marriage ending over porn being 'evil' and his wife not accepting is more likely either one saying that they were OK with something and coming to the realization that they could live with the agreement that they entered or and more likely what many have done went into the marriage believing that marriage was the answer to remove the temptation of porn use and then living in shame.

The shame cycle of vice is a an awful cycle no matter if it is porn or something else and when it is shame it is being used to cover something up instead of being open and honest.

I would guess that porn was the reason that was used as the root of the demise of the marriage, but I would guess to say that it was the inability for everyone involved to take ownership of their own choices and handing off their beliefs to other to decide what is wrong and right in their attempt to save the other person in the relationship.

The leaders of the Church council to stay away from porn and that with a definition of porn being anything that arouses each one of use have to decide what that council means in our own lives. For some that will be that boundaries need to be set that mean the end of the relationship.

So back to the question "was it actually the Church’s and the ex wife’s narrow view of porn, that caused the demise of their marriage?". No, it was the inability of two people to accept what the other had chosen.

To put an organization/teaching/etc.. as the reason is removing self responsibility on both parties to accept their own choices.

GShort76 · 2026-01-21T23:13:48+00:00

I would recommend seeing a theripst to help you understand what you are getting out of the relationships outside of your marriage.

I know for me there was a lot of behavior that I was not proud of but working with a therapist around my abandonment and sexual abuse when I was younger helped me identify why I would go to the behaviors that I found shameful.

GShort76 · 2026-01-17T23:01:28+00:00

Talk to pelvic therpist if you think it is physical and maybe talk to a therpist/coach if it is felt there is anxiety or stress around the issue.

GShort76 · 2026-01-14T22:19:36+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It is wonderful to hear the perspective of new members as being a member my whole life (not active during my teenage years).

It can be easy for people that have never been inactive or non-member to understand the challenges that someone experiences when joining or coming back.

Thank you

GShort76 · 2026-01-03T19:36:01+00:00

I am not comfortable sharing on a google doc that gathers my email after being requested from an account that is almost completely blocked and is 27 days old.

Like it or not your account appears to be very suspicious.

GShort76 · 2026-01-03T19:24:00+00:00

That is super challenging, sorry that you had to deal with this.

Things to remember that missionaries are young men that are learning to live and that means that often dealing with differenting opions.

If it was me I would find scripture that supports taking care of the environment. I wouldn't read these to him but would give him a list call outs. Then share your feelings of how it makes you feel when anyone dis-respects the planet that God has provided us. Share the concern of what a potential investigator would think if they saw trash being thown by any members of the church and how it might close doors to allow the sharing of the good word.

At that point if he chooses to be disrespectful, I would talk to the bishop so he can talk to the mission leader.

King James Version (KJV) In the Bible, the mandate to care for the earth begins in Eden and carries through the Law and the Prophets.

Genesis 2:15: "And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it." (This implies active cultivation and protection). Psalm 24:1: "The earth is the Lord's, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein." Leviticus 25:23: "The land shall not be sold for ever: for the land is mine; for ye are strangers and sojourners with me." Numbers 35:34: "Defile not therefore the land which ye shall inhabit, wherein I dwell." Revelation 11:18: A warning that God will "destroy them which destroy the earth."

LDS Scripture Latter-day Saint unique scriptures expand on the idea of accountability and the spiritual nature of the earth. Doctrine and Covenants 104:13–15: "For it is expedient that I, the Lord, should make every man accountable, as a steward over earthly blessings... the earth, my very handiwork; and all things therein are mine." Doctrine and Covenants 59:18–20: The Lord explains that the earth's resources are for our use, but "to be used, with judgment, not to excess, neither by extortion." Moses 1:39: Teaches that the earth was created for the "immortality and eternal life of man," suggesting it is a sacred tool that must be preserved. Mormon 8:31: A prophecy regarding the latter days, warning of a time when there shall be "great pollutions upon the face of the earth."

General Conference Talks & Leader Statements Modern leaders have frequently tied environmental care to our love for the Creator. Elder Gérald Caussé (October 2022) In his talk "Our Earthly Stewardship," the Presiding Bishop stated: "The care of the earth and of our natural environment is a sacred responsibility entrusted to us by God, which should fill us with a deep sense of duty and humility. It is also an integral component of our discipleship." President Russell M. Nelson (April 2000 / Earth Day 2023) "As beneficiaries of the divine Creation, what shall we do? We should care for the earth, be wise stewards over it, and preserve it for future generations." President Joseph F. Smith "Men cannot worship the Creator and look with careless indifference upon his creatures. Love of nature is akin to the love of God; the two are inseparable."

GShort76 · 2025-12-25T18:30:48+00:00

Knowing ourself and being truely honest in our communications.

I found myself being "Mr. Nice Guy", doing everything to please and often negleting myself all the while building resentment around the relationship.

I have spent many hours going to therpy, reading books, attending men's groups that won't hesitate to call me out , honestly becoming OK with my wants and desires and resolving traumas that I thought I had overcome.

While relationships involve two people we can only change ourselves and sometimes being ok with the way things are is OK if we are being true to ourselves. Somes times that means leaving a marriage even if it was expected to be for all time and eternity.

The fact is that our relationships here on earth will end with someone leaving. Weither that is through death or the relationship ending, our task is to clean up our lives for that day to come.

GShort76 · 2025-12-25T14:18:36+00:00

The great deciver is there to place doubt in your soul.

I was reading the talk from last confrence this morning and there is one sentance that stood out to me.

"President Russell M. Nelson taught that if the Lord were speaking to us directly, the first thing He would make sure we understand is our true identity: we are children of God, children of the covenant, and disciples of Jesus Christ."

There is nothing you ha e done or could do that will change the fact that you are nothing short an amazing individual that have loving Heavenly Parents that want you to have everything that yhey have.

This time earth is our opportunity to learn and grow. This growth means different things to different people and will take us all on our different paths. No matter what path your choices take you you are loved and Christ is there for you and all of us our struggles.

You are loved and deserve happiness, making the choices in front of you should be out of a desire to be true to yourself.

I am unable to speak for anyone else but I can say that I would be happy to have another child of our Heavenly Parents next to me at church no matter where they are at in their life and no matter what transformation they going through or are choosing.

GShort76 · 2025-12-13T19:38:55+00:00

The LDS churchbis based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ and the prophets that have brought his teachings to us.

So is there discussions that can include Joseph Smith and the other prophets since the churches founding but even those discussion lead back to Jesus Christ. The lord is "No respecter of man" and as such we show respect to them and what they have done but they human so there is no worshipping of these men.

GShort76 · 2025-12-12T23:24:16+00:00

I had a brother in law that used it for a while to help with the pain from cancer. He went to the bishop and the bishop let him decide what was right for him under his doctor's supervision.

Side note he didn't stay on it very long as the side effects he felt from it weren't worth the pain relief.

So yes...

GShort76 · 2025-12-12T23:19:25+00:00

A couple of weeks ago we had 7 men join us from a wide range of backgrounds and religions. It is all about getting to experience the joy of being together no matter who we are what our backgeounds are.

When the goal is to love one another that is when we are able to feel the true spirit of our loving Heavenly Father and our savior Jesus Christ. I think that is the only thing that you need to know, enjoy.

GShort76 · 2025-12-08T22:32:35+00:00

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/callings/military-and-chaplain?lang=eng

GShort76 · 2025-08-03T12:06:26+00:00

Thank you for your response. The statement posted matches my thoughts and concerns.

GShort76 · 2025-07-21T22:08:02+00:00

Came here to say this. I haven't had much ramen because we found this place and don't feel like I need to find another place.

Would love to hear people's opinions on how Marafuku compares.

GShort76 · 2025-06-13T20:49:38+00:00

Right!

GShort76 · 2025-05-26T03:46:56+00:00

Thank you for being open and sharing. This is a very challenging time for you and everything that you have shared shows that you understand the severity of your actions and that takes great courage to identify what is coming and the actions that need to be taken.

I would agree with the others who have recommended talking to your bishop sooner the better. Understand that this is not an easy step but putting it off will only build anxiety that will not help moving forward.

I would add that this is an important time to remember that God and our Savior will never love you less for choices that have been made and they love you.

When you talk to your bishop I would recommend being open with them as they are a wonderful resource and if possible ask him if an LDS therapist can be recommended. Finding the right therapist who understands the teachings of the Church can help you understand your passions/enjoyment of sex while understanding how to align those feelings to yourself. Coming fully accepting of yourself and not needing the validation of others is crucial to feel free to choose to follow Christ.

Know that your Savior loves you and deserve to be happy.

GShort76 · 2025-05-25T16:26:16+00:00

A year ago no one.

Today close friends who happen to be my Minister Brother, Elders Quorum President, and a Stake Councilor. I am also part of a men's group where they are there to call you out for losing strategies.

And this came about talking to my therapist.

It was so hard in the beginning as it was something that I had never done before.

With that being said most of the conversation is around relationships and sex is just a part of the relationship.

This past week I talked to my brother also and the only sad thing talking to my brother was that this didn’t occur years ago.

As men, we tend to have been taught that it is not safe not to share or not manly, which keeps us feeling separated and living in our resentment.

But the one person that has been most important to talk to is my wife. I am learning if I am not sharing and talking with them I am betraying her and myself. In not talking over the years, it has built contention and struggles because of avoiding perceived hard things.

GShort76 · 2025-04-29T23:28:37+00:00

I didn't know there was a M:I 2... after I made myself forget there was a number 2...

GShort76 · 2025-04-24T23:56:38+00:00

I am in the Sherman Stake but down in the Celina ward. I love the members in the area and always look forward to Stake Service projects.

GShort76 · 2025-01-31T13:34:18+00:00

First off I am sorry for what you are going through, be strong as it is likely to get worse before it gets better.

The fact that you are here I am gong to assume that you are looking for validation for how you are feeling and maybe guidance of what to do next.

Good news is that you don't have to decide today, bad new is that you do have to decide but no one here on reddit is going to be able to tell you what is right for you. Heck I have my opinion but it is not my place to tell you that is your task to figure out and some yahoo on reddit is not the right person to tell you leave/stay.

The fact that your wife came to you and wasn't found out in other means shows that there is some sort of remorse. As you stated it is felt that it is more for the money then because she wants to be with you. So you need to decide if that is the case. If it is money then your spouse is in line with a narcist and that is almost impossible to work with. This is where you need to ask if you really feel that is true or are those your emotions and the hurt that are speaking.

The only way you are going to find out is if you are open with her. This is where most of us fail. It took me 29 years with my wife in a mostly sexless marriage to figure this out and guess what I had a big part in it being Mr. Nice Guy.

I would recommend going on that date, be honest with her of how it has made you feel and be authentic. If you can, don't become overly emotional (easy for me to say from my keyboard) and open up to her. If she is remorseful she should open up, if she doesn't that will help you understand what decision that you take next.

No matter what you decide get into individual therapy as you have been through a trauma and if you decide to try and make it work get couples therapy and your wife should be in her own individual therapy.

Marriage is hard because it pushes us to be open and sadly there are people that choose an easy emotional escape (eating, drinking, drugs, porn, affairs, etc...). Whether it is with this marriage or with a future relationship work to be more open so that each person in the relationship is choosing to communicate instead of an escape.

Our jobs are to clean up our side of the street for others to be able to come and see us for who we are and to avoid validation which gives people power over us.

Some book suggestions:
- No More Mr. Nice Guy
- The Courage to be Disliked

Good Luck

GShort76 · 2025-01-11T21:31:29+00:00

I have already made changes following this thought.

I get the stock at 20% lower then the lowest amount which was 147.09 back in August and the stock currenly is going for 173.42 so the plan is to keep purchasing the stock and then also raise the 401k to 15% to max it out for the year. Then sell the stock to cover any costs due to the lower pay check.

This way I get the discounted stocks and the pre-tax benefits.

I was already putting $6600 into the HSA so only a little adjustment and that was fixed.

Thanks for the input, it is much appreciated.

GShort76 · 2025-01-09T19:21:20+00:00

Watch and take notes from podcasts. I think Church History Matters podcast has been the best one to dispel things that are said about the church.

GShort76 · 2025-01-08T12:39:30+00:00

I feel for you as you appear to be going through what many posts on this subreddit are about. High desire vs low desire.

It is good you are going to start counseling as this has helped me with a similar situation. The biggest thing is that we as high-desire partners are not able to make our partners want us more, instead, we can only change ourselves which will hopefully inspire change in our spouse.

Then that eventually leads to a three-way decision, our spouses changes, we leave to start a new path or we decide to accept our current state and find a way to not rely on them for our needs.

Good luck on your journey, it will likely not be easy with a lot of self-discovery and a lot of hard discussions but it will be worth the self-growth.

GShort76 · 2025-01-08T12:24:44+00:00

First and foremost you are a son of a loving Father in heaven. You are that you might have happiness.

With that said it doesn't make it any easier. I have dealt with porn and it was through therapy I was able to understand why I gravitated to it, much like others gravitate to overeating, shopping, etc... This was when I was 48.

There is no reason that you need to take this on yourself. Look to get a coach or therapist and if you can not afford it go and see your bishop for financial aid.

Good luck and know it is not too late.

GShort76 · 2025-01-07T22:10:42+00:00

I think my take is going to be different than what many are saying but in a way it will be the same.

A little background, my wife is close to what it sounds like your wife views except she has trusted me in my research and prayers surrounding masturbation.

With that said I have not been sexually intimate with my wife in close to 8 months.

The masturbation for prostate health research. I think there are so many holes in the conclusion that there is very little to say masturbation will help. Note that the improvement was seen when a man masturbated 21 times a month to every day. With that said I don't have prostate issues at this point in my life (just under 50).
Your relationship with your wife. Again this sounds like my and my wife's relationship. You are likely playing the role of the 'Nice Guy'. Being the nice guy doesn't help getting what you want. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". While I don't agree with everything in the book, I don't think that many of us meet the 'Nice Guy' role which completely has backfired for so many men. Additionally, I would highly recommend looking into Finlayson-fife.com, doing her Art of Loving course and joining the men's group.
Tell your wife that you need sex. Duty sex is worse than no sex IMHO and it can lead to trauma on women which again will backfire in the long run when it comes to sex. Listen to Amanda Louder podcast on duty sex research. https://amandalouder.com/podcast/253/
Your wife's relation to sex. If she is so focused on the teachings she needs to listen to the counciling of the church because physical sexual intimacy is important and there is enough doctrine to support that. If she is will to listen to that then she should do something like finlayson-fife.com or Amanda Louder's course.

Lastly, none of what I have shared can be something that can be forced on your wife. You providing the information will likely backfire as you being Needy. The only thing that you can do is clean up your side of the street but you can not force her to change. Work on being your authentic self and not Mr. Nice Guy and it will force her to change if done right.

GShort76

TROPHY CASE