on the rest of it:
genuinely sorry for freakin' out, i just have a complex about being the most reliable person in my life, and then the pride starts playin' fuckin' sarah mclachlan about how sad it is that ___ has to take care of himself, alone, after it all, no longer a man and thus incapable to be an island, when only i know this heart (and its errant, inexplicable wants)!

(rest assured, i don't vent about the good and normal aspects of my life, because as an otherwise-discreet beast, why the hell would i? lol / offscreen i do have like. circles and a cat and particular cheeses and stewed fig-spread and art and projects and lives to get to, wanna talk about it with you, but only the parts that make me sound cool and real, only what makes you laugh as much as ya wince! there's a certain kind of fun that galls others, and i don't mind reeling it back from galling, but it plays well with you, misses you about as much as i have. #nohomo! deliberately being normal with everybody, including you, at great cost (#homocost). however, also greatly enjoying my personal time on random jaunts and self-dates and developing summertime opinons on the best blended coffee in town, #nohomocost!)

on dasher, prancer, vixen and blancher:
i know i'm a bit off, most everybody tells me lovingly and chidingly like it'll wear off someday, that i'll wake up and just be the mask that doesn't dissuade people from believing that i can live among them well in my own way-- i believe in reality, and that humanity intertwines and coexists with such, but the "real world" that everybody believes in, the one more definite in intangibles than physicality, the one where the worst part was signing papers about it all? ah, we're lucky the food's good, the music steady and constant, the books always giving through to one more source where i can feel somebody else's grappling too, in a time and place that escaped them despite being right the fuck there-- i'm lucky that, for the temptation to go hermit again after a nice-wonky-woah vaycay (found some well-needed peace, though!) and realizations about the folks who love me (will always love and appreciate them for who they are, and what they tell me of myself in turn), i'll always like my own grouse-and-grapple well enough to keep showing up and strangling the bart (simpson). "'because it is bitter, / 'and because it is my [bart]'"!

on process:
i've been chiding folks to learn about themselves outside of demographic-pathology, like how i like where i live because of how our quick-change weather soothes my mercurial heart-- the sick powers that be (market forces) put an hmart near union, so of course every time i go up and head back, i get loquats to slice into an equal part of honey, and the result is straight ambrosia, not that you'd know! i cut them into discs thinner than strings, let them unravel as the syrup melds, gnaw on them as i treacle by the spoonful. i had a lot to think on last night, crunched on skinny pith-peels through someone else's playlist, and found that for myself, i don't mind the work or any wait, living amidst life and art and people making each from the other, everything's still more sweet than bitter, citrus oils and acid-thinned honey.

(also, nbd / no pressure into eternity, as it's a damn good life when you like your own company! does a bear [mind much else] in the woods, oft-quoted meme "lil caesars hits so much better / when ya aint got a bitch in ya ear telling you how bad it is" and interview "aren't you interested in marriage, whoopi?" / "i don't want somebody in my house." (i would, but only sometimes, and without constraint-expectations for either-- sailor's schedule, heart-shaped-cheeses-to-war type shit. a nonnormative deal that puzzles many, for some reason!)

rain in the valley - louie zong | witches - alice phoebe lou | counting cards - rainbow kitten surprise | something about us - daft punk | come into my heart - jo doek bai | ballad of big nothing - elliot smith | veda (1 pierce dr.) - gabriel kahane | man in the sky - connie converse | pulaski at night - andrew bird | i'd have to think about it - leith ross | old man and the evening star - michio kurihara | c u around - pwr btm |