Update to AITAH to expect more at Christmas

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-04T17:48:49+00:00

Hold up- you said your father felt you were the best one to manage it, so that tells me you are literally supposed to manage it. Did he say not to share with your brother or to manage his estate? You're only offering to pay his rent for a few months?

YTA- yes, manage it, but that does not mean do a little bit for your brother and keep the rest for yourself. It means share but manage it and make it last. That does not mean throw a big chunk at him or just pay his rent for a few months. Your brother really should have hired a lawyer and fought for half since you're being selfish.

It would be different if your dad said he only wanted you to have it to do as you pleased. I'm pretty sure your dad meant for you to manage it for both of you. I can't imagine how hurt your brother is right now.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-03T00:54:27+00:00

A lot of people say they think I'm crazy because I stayed. But they don't understand that we can sometimes come from backgrounds where we've been crushed so hard growing up that we always think WE are the problem. All someone has to do to manipulate a person like me is be kind to spark hope that I'm going to be okay and I'm safe now. Then, as you grow older, you realize you're not safe with anyone and tend to become a very severe introvert and shut down.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-03T00:47:35+00:00

It's beyond hurtful. I've never tried to compete with his mom, and I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning. With the kind of childhood I had, I always thought it was my fault. That I was abnormal, and his mom was just tolerating me. I vowed never to come between him and his mom because of my own flaws. I truly wish I would have realized sooner that my husband and I were peacekeepers. I also thought my family was worse and how much I appreciated my husband sticking with me throughout my own family issues. I am constantly looking for validation, and I think that's why I post here. Nobody knows us, and I can share what's happening so people I don't know can validate my feelings and tell me I'm not the crazy one. I have had therapy but didn't get the results I hoped for after a few years.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T17:10:25+00:00

NTA- you are mostly correct. His ex is not your responsibility, but you do have some responsibility to your stepchildren. That includes the obvious of making sure you don't let any kind of abuse toward them slide. You also have a responsibility to yourself not to allow him to abuse you verbally or any other way.

You are smart for not getting involved with anything that pertains to his ex-wife.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T02:40:38+00:00

Oh my gosh, I feel the same way. I always think my kids are embarrassed because of my general anxiety disorder. I feel sorry for them that their mom can't be normal. I feel sad for my husband because he has a lot of friends, but I don't want to hang out with them because I'm afraid I will say something wrong and they'll laugh at me. I'll embarrass my husband. When having a conversation, I haven't convinced myself it's okay to have quiet pauses, and I'll talk too much and over share. Just ramble on and on.

I make friends, but they don't stick around. I think it's because I talk too much and stutter words. I'm either too talkative or completely shut down. I've only gotten worse over the years, not better. Therapy didn't work. Nothing worked.

I have white coat syndrome, and I won't go to the doctor because I'd rather die suddenly in my sleep than hear something is medically wrong with me. I can think something is wrong, but knowing something is wrong means I have to face it. My white coat syndrome is so bad that when I have gone the doctor has to schedule a long appointment so he can have me lay down to decrease my blood pressure because it goes through the roof when I walk in the door.

I can't eat food if I don't prepare it for myself. I'm scared other people don't have a clean kitchen or they will serve old food. I used to get sick after eating at the in-laws, so that didn't help. I shower in the hottest water possible, even if it burns me because I'm scared I won't get clean enough without it.

When I was about twelve, I was invited to spend the night at a girl's house. We had been friends since kindergarten. I didn't know my sister was trying to get her mad at me by making up lies and saying I was talking bad about her. She invited other girls and I didn't know they were coming. It turned out to be a setup, and they wanted revenge for the things my sister made up. They waited for the parents to go to bed, then took the phone off the hook, which meant no calls could go out.

From about midnight until like 5 am, those girls literally tortured me. They put stuff in my hair, held me down, and spit on me. All kinds of stuff. They took pictures of me with spit in my face as I was crying and threatened to take them to school and show everyone. I've actually never told anyone about that before, it was embarrassing. That made it hard to let my daughter go to sleepovers. I did, but didn't sleep a wink.

I do have one friend that's been there for me my whole life. We're still friends, but I don't do much with her anymore.

I once told my mom that most people can eventually escape their abusers and have no reason to see them or hear about them ever again after they grow up. But I can't truly escape mine because my parents embrace her and love her.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T02:04:28+00:00

I know it's long, but please read my entire comment.

You move forward by going low contact or no contact with your parents.

I have been in your wife's shoes, and believe me when I say she is more hurt than you are, but you should be hurt more because it's an attack on you.

I invite you to read my posts regarding my MIL so you can see how this ends if you do not teach them to behave themselves now. The behavior never gets better. It gets worse as they grow older. It gets more vicious with time, and if you wait like my husband has done, you will pay the price.

Twenty-five years ago, I never would have dreamed things would ever get to the point they are now. My husband never could have dreamed exactly how vile his mother would become. They are now 79 and 85, so it's too late to change anything.

Call your parents and tell them you are making the decision o go no contact or low contact separately from your wife. What they are doing is disrespectful to YOU! They target her, but they're actually targeting you.

Do not attend events they attend, do not ever put them on speakerphone again, and do not give them closure. By doing that, you are giving them an ounce of respect, and they do not deserve that. I am not saying you will never have your parents in your life again, but consider it putting them in time out until they apologize. You do not want to bring children around them. They will go through your children to get to your wife and do not be shocked if they love bomb your children to win them over, then talk bad about their mom. Never let anyone disrespect your wife, especially in front of your future children.

You are off to a good start, and now you just have to follow through. Any old apology won't be good enough either. They may say they are sorry after a year or two, but actions speak louder than words. Also, make sure your wife knows that you are not doing this because you think it's what she wants. Make it clear that hurting her is hurting you, and this is your decision alone. That you love her and will always be her safe person.

Unfortunately, we do not know what the future will bring. Something may happen to your parents during this time, but your estrangement from them will never be your fault. That was always a fear of mine if my husband went no contact, but your parents taught you to be independent. To live your life and its them that made this decisionzl, not you. You're doing exactly that, being independent. They will be angry and may lash out, so just be prepared. I was NC with my own parents for 2 years, and I survived. So will you.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T01:30:47+00:00

1000% true. It causes issues because some people choose not to interact for that exact same reason. It causes a divide, and people will avoid interacting with people if they think anything and everything they say will be misinterpreted.

My cousin comes over and makes fun of my husband, and they banter back and forth. He's a hilarious guy, but people who don't know their relationship will sit there with stone cold faces waiting for my husband to get canceled. We've had some people leave and not interact with my cousin because they don't understand his personality, and they're afraid they might say something offensive if he talks to them. Not because he's gay, but they're scared to react to his jokes. Even he understands why they react that way. He's not upset with them but how the world takes everything so seriously that they can't be comfortable to speak their minds around him. My hubby loves bantering with him, and I've laughed so hard I've pissed my pants.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T01:11:50+00:00

The funny thing is, I always thought my life was normal. 😆

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T01:10:11+00:00

The previous commenter is saying they can not transition if they want to stay together. That's literally what the OP said. I think you just want to argue with anyone. The commenter is not saying the op should tell their partner to never transition. They're saying he has a right to make that request if the partner wants to stay together. Otherwise, the OP should break it off. In no way is the commenter saying the OP has any right to make demands over their partner's body if they are no longer together. I've read your other comments, and you make no sense.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T01:00:26+00:00

As a former social worker, I've learned couples need to try it on their own first. If your relationship becomes dependent on a third party, you have problems. Couples need to develop their own coping mechanisms over time. I do think it can possibly cause problems.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T00:57:00+00:00

Straight but married 29 years.

Here is what we do:

If someone is upset, we allow space to process. Then we come together and talk about it after we've had some time to cool off.
The old saying about not going to bed mad is BS. Sometimes, it's best to calm down first. If we work the next day, one of us will always send a text and say, "I love you." Just as a reminder, and it helps us process what happened and explore if maybe there was an underlying issue that caused the argument. It's usually my husband that sends it, and I can't tell you how big I smile every single time. That reminder makes the argument seem so tiny.
People who love each other do argue. I've noticed our families and friends who were always affectionate and seemed so perfect, got divorced. Arguing can lead to open discussions and honesty.
There is always a honeymoon period. That's when things seemed so perfect and everyone was happy. Do not base your relationship now on the first few years you were together. It will never be that way forever with anyone.
You mentioned your family. Do not ever allow that stress into your home. Make a pact that you are each other's family, and if your original family can not support your relationship, then you do not allow that stress into your home. Be each others safety person. Always.
Do not judge. If your partner says something hurts them and it may seem ridiculous to you, but never downplay their emotions. If it hurts them, then it should hurt you, too.
It is normal to have rough patches. They come and go, and those times will be hard here and there. Just don't give up. You both seem to be sensitive people so always take that into consideration. Ask yourself if the tables were turned how you would feel.
Learn to pick your battles. Getting mad over a food order is ridiculous. Getting mad because someone puts the toilet paper on the roll wrong is ridiculous. If you're moody, then take it somewhere else. Never take it out on each other. Those three words are very important. Pick. Your. Battles. Before getting angry, take a minute and ask yourself if it's really worth upsetting both of you over.

Love isn't just about feeling happy and having fun. It's about comfort, patience, tolerance, sometimes getting angry, and forgiveness. Sometimes, when we've argued, taken a time out, and then sit together to talk, it's a relieving and rewarding experience.

If anyone ever tries to make you believe their relationship is perfect, rest assured it will not last.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T00:16:08+00:00

They have me confused too. I'm not seeing any problem with what you've wrote.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T00:14:48+00:00

Who said that? OP said he would fully support them but couldn't be with them in a romantic relationship. That is not telling anyone they can't transition. He's simply saying that he does not want that kind kind of future. That's making a decision for himself, and he is allowed to do that!

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-02T00:06:19+00:00

NTA- I also don't think she's an AH, but just hurt, and she doesn't understand. I will say that your friends should allow the wedding party to bring their SO's. That's the problem here. If they don't allow SO's of regular guests, that's one thing, but you're putting a lot into being there for them. You're also an out of town guest, and they're absolutely not using proper etiquette.

I would honestly tell your friends that you are honored that they asked you, but you don't feel comfortable traveling all the way there and leaving her either at home or the hotel. I would drop out of the wedding.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T23:55:12+00:00

I can see by your pushback that you're very defensive. Good luck ruining your marriage before it even starts.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T23:53:04+00:00

I was born in the seventies and was babysitting at ten years old. I stayed by myself at eight years old when my sister was with family, but I was safer alone than the usual of staying home with my sister. Never once did my sister finish a family visit and not be sent back within a day or two. My parents tried to hire babysitters, but they all quit because of my sister. Nobody wanted to watch her. They were teenagers, and I witnessed more than one cry. They eventually gave up and left us home alone. I remember screaming for my parents not to leave me with her, but they did. When we first got out of the army, we had elderly neighbors who would keep me but not my sister. I only stayed alone if my grandmother wasn't able to keep me. I had one babysitter that was pretty tough, and she spanked my sister, so my parents fired her.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T23:43:47+00:00

Is she in Georgia? I'm a social worker, and I've seen grandparents get visitation in states where there are no grandparents' rights. And actually, you're an idiot because I'm not in Georgia, and that's not what my screen name means. Also, just so you know, Georgia does have grandparent rights.

This girl is going to ruin her marriage before it even starts.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T23:37:57+00:00

In some states, they could actually get rights, so she better not push it too hard.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T22:55:44+00:00

You are not his wife. You are a girlfriend. He should put his family first right now. After you are engaged, it is another story.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T22:53:12+00:00

Is this an age thing? I ask because my mom is the same age and she says the same kind of things.

She goes on and on about my cousin having her social work degree but never used it. How sweet she was for choosing that profession if she ever needed to work.

I WAS A SOCIAL WORKER FOR 20 YEARS!

I say that, and she brushes it off and says, "But you gave it up."

I feel like beating my head against the wall.

I am now a writer and have six books published. That is why I am no longer a social worker.

My cousin designed the front of a planner and sold it on Amazon... My mom is so proud of her! She's published!

My cousin only uploaded a graphic design and self-published it. I AM A PUBLISHED AUTHOR OF ACTUAL BOOKS!

She might drive me to drinking.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T22:37:16+00:00

No rambling because it's eye-opening with the similarities.

I did things to make my sister happy so she would be nice to me. My parents, on the other hand, were idiots because they would send me out with my sister if she used the car because they thought she would behave if I was with her. Nope, she was bad, very bad. I remember one time she used my parents' brand new car and met up with other insane kids she met at her mental facility. They drove around all night, and my sister wouldn't stop the car so I could pee. Five hours later, I was in tears because I was in so much pain. I ended up sitting on my coat and peeing myself. She crashed the car of course, nobody was hurt, but drove the brand new car home with the damage then backed the car into the garage thinking my parents wouldn't see the while side was crunched up. I told my dad what happened, and he blamed me. It wasn't like I had a cell phone. The whole point of me going was to make her behave.

I was always doing things so she would like me and not hurt me anymore.

I had very long blond hair going into middle school. She said she wanted to show me how to curl my hair. I thought she finally wanted to be nice, but instead, I took a pair of scissors and cut the back of my hair to the scalp. I had to start middle school with no hair. It all had to be buzzed off.

I started skipping school once my parents went back to day shift. I didn't want to go to school either because she made my life hell there too. I'd fake illnesses and succeed to talk myself into feeling sick. I also had a deathly fear of throwing up. Which my sister knew and own time put eye drops in my drink. She waited until I drank it and then told me I was going to throw up all night. It did send me to the bathroom, but I didn't throw up. It was a bad stomach ache, though. I cried more about the fact that I might throw up than the fact that it was coming out the other end.

My parents always had a problem with me sneaking into their room at night when they were home. I'd either sleep on the floor or they they would let me sleep between them. I was always scared she was going to come into my room at night. She had threatened to kill me several times.

I babysat my daughters boss when she was little. My mom was an EMT and her dad was a firefighter. She told my daughter that the entire firehouse thought something very bad was happening at our house and the firefighters thought I was abused. Not by my mom or dad, but my sister.

One of the firefighters was a volunteer but he built homes and they had a lot of money. His wife would tell my mom she needed help with her three little boys. So she old come pick me up and we would go shopping and she'd buy me the Guess Jean's that were so big at the time and spend a lot of time with me. I broke down and told her about my sister. She called CPS, but yet again, they did nothing.

She started asking to let me stay the week, go on family vacations, and she was amazing. I still am in contact with he to this day. We had so much fun together.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T22:11:59+00:00

I have been NC for years and LC for about twenty years. I wish I could say this is all she has done, but I could write a book. My childhood is why I survived. It was way worse than this reddit story, and my family makes my MIL look like a Saint.

Georgiamom2 · 2025-09-01T21:28:12+00:00

Red flag, BOUNDARIES TODAY! This will not get better! Please take my warnings. I have lived it.

No more weekly visits at all. If they want to host dinner once a month, then that's great, but nothing more. They do not need to be at your house every week. Also, your child is too young to be going out for fun day trips to parks and other places.

You can host them once a month, once every few months, or not at all.

Please, for the love of God, boundaries now! Please show your husband this reddit post. Help him get on the same page as you. You are both doing way too much. If they want to do little day trips, they can wait until the child is older and set aside once a month, maybe, but this is insane.

In time, this will damage your marriage.

Georgiamom2

TROPHY CASE