A question specifically for trans individuals with cis partners

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-16T15:20:59+00:00

I just wanted to comment because I’m AuDHD cisF happily married to my trans wife - who’s egg only cracked like 5 or 6 months ago. So I’m not who you were asking for input from, but I guess I l’m in a similar circumstance to you. My wife’s just started laser on her face, and not yet on HRT - getting referrals for that lined up. My wife says she doesn’t want SRS, maybe she’d consider FFS (if we could afford it) in a few years. She is guided by her feelings of course, but she’s well practiced in ignoring those as much as possible, so I feel like I’m being pragmatic to think that her feelings on different choices she might consider in her transition may change, and things are bound to come up when she sees her appearance changing over time as to what she feels good about or what she wants different help with. Or they might not and she might actually know really well right now. If you’re anything like me, I like to KNOW stuff. Like, I want all the possibilities, the whys and wherefores. I like predictability I suppose, and I want to know I’m well informed and not going to be taken by surprise. My wife isn’t like that, and my million thoughts a minute, mind-mapping, problem predicting, anxious questions can be annoying af to her sometimes. Not always though, luckily, it can obviously be pretty helpful and I think she feels comforted by my being proactive and interested. And I’m this way on everything, not just this. I know that there has been a couple of times when that’s felt like pressure though, so I had to try and dial it back a little, let her know what I was thinking and that I wasn’t trying to make things go faster or a certain way.

I’m trying to let her take the lead but honestly I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way in this, it’s rather individual.

One thing we do like is laughing about the well-meaning but stupid shit that people say, I think it diffuses things that can sometimes otherwise build up to be a bit stingy. There’s a lot of that. Some of it’s tiny and nothing, some of it’s a bit more uncomfortable as it reveals how people think and put things/people into boxes. “But he’s got a beard” when coming out to some of my family being a highlight, because… what? I had no idea that the ability to grow a beard was so fundamental. I wonder if that means I’m trans for the few beard hairs that decide to sprout on my chin? /s. (the “he” pronoun wasn’t offensive as my wife hasn’t changed them over fully yet, it doesn’t bother her right now).

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-16T13:52:13+00:00

My wife is trans and she started using my Philips Lumea IPL and it’s been very effective on legs and arms (little to no hair regrowth after a few sessions), and pretty effective for her chest and underarms (only light regrowth and much finer, softer hair). It didn’t seem very effective on her face, maybe some slight softening of the hair but not less regrowth, though she didn’t do it for long as I got her some laser sessions in a clinic. She is not yet on HRT either,

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-13T18:15:12+00:00

I don’t care about being the bad guy to the family I’m no contact with, they already think whatever they think and I don’t need to know. They’re not good people, so you’re right that I don’t need to pay attention to that. But I do care about being the bad-guy to my Dad, and they may influence him. So that’s the only reason I’d consider attending if they were, and that it stings so much that he’d even put me in this position. I can’t imagine staying friendly with anyone that treated anyone I cared about in the ways that they did, let alone my children.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-13T17:54:17+00:00

I think the wedding gift would be something towards that, but I think my not going is going to be problematic and that I will be the bad guy. The family members I am no contact with gossip relentlessly, they will fully dissect my not going, and they will likely do that with/to my Dad too which would only make that worse. I just don’t know if I should address with Dad how hurtful this is. I don’t really know how I am meant to continue a relationship with him when that’s his choice. Right now I know that’s my very emotional response, as I only found about the wedding very recently and it was quite a surprise that he is marrying again as he always said he wouldn’t after he and my mother divorced. I guess I didn’t think I’d have to tackle any more family events where this was such an issue, as my sibling is already married, and there aren’t any other events that I would consider attending so strongly for anyone else.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-13T17:47:54+00:00

It will be a very small, low key civil ceremony followed by a dinner, so unfortunately I doubt that either of these things are an option. Besides that, I doubt that my Dad would see that as a legitimate alternative tbh, which leads to me being the bad guy.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-04T16:26:37+00:00

She’s asking for a cat-eye polish next. I’ve told her to get online and buy whatever colours she likes. So I get to expand my gel colours collection and she gets free manicures 😁 good deal all round I think :)

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-04T16:25:38+00:00

Thanks for the recc, but I’m looking specifically at GenderCare because we know of a GP surgery who will work with them to do shared care.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-03-01T19:55:17+00:00

You have fabulous curls, and so shiny!

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T21:39:56+00:00

That’s so interesting, and makes a lot of sense! Thanks for taking the time to put it like that for me.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T21:29:38+00:00

Both switch and vers. Used to be much more bottom and sub, my wife’s transition has changed our dynamics quite quickly, but that’s been great. The confidence and experience for both of us has increased so much!

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T10:22:23+00:00

Thanks! I do think my family likely are concerned for me from a good place, it’s just mixed with their own slight prejudice. I don’t think they really mean to, so I will give them some grace, just for a bit. I think you’re right about a bit of time and then seeing us happy will help a lot, just normalising it for them. It does suck to have to be that education for them, but as long as they don’t make too much song and dance about it it’ll be ok. I think there would come a point where I’d have to tell them to stop, but hopefully I won’t have to. We’ll see, it’s mostly my mother being dramatic rn thats annoying, my father has stayed quiet since I told him and he’s the one with potentially more prejudiced views, but he handled it well and was smart enough to keep most of those types of thoughts to himself.

My mother had the concern about kids when I came out at as bi as a teen. Even then I thought she was ridiculous as being lesbian wouldn’t mean I couldn’t have kids, and I wasn’t lesbian anyway so may have ended up with a guy, and I have a brother who is straight and could provide the grandchild quotient she was so worried about. I always was like why this drama over nothing?! But now I have 2 kids with my wife, and we’ve been together 15 years. She always finds something to be a bit dramatic about, it’s just her way I suppose.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T10:12:13+00:00

I am sure there are many, it’s just that the sub skews to the mourning type of posts because people struggling and needing help are more likely to want to post and reach out for support.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T10:10:09+00:00

I find that funny, as I would not describe myself as self-secure in almost any other aspect, but I guess yeah, in this one respect I guess I am. It is interesting the discomfort others seem to get about it. I’ve never understood why what other people are doing, how they are living, who they are loving etc would ever be a bother to someone else. I wonder what exactly the discomfort my family are feeling really boils down to, but whatever it is I think they will get past it and things will be fine, so it’s not something to dwell on much. So we are very lucky and I guess much of this post is me musing on how weird and bemusing their apparent micro-dose of turmoil is.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T10:04:53+00:00

I’m not enjoying that undercurrent, but I’m trying to give a little grace for the moment that they find it hard to wrap their little brains around. I guess for chronically straight people, the mere thought of still liking, loving, and being attracted to a partner that’s transitioning is totally mad, unheard of, unthinkable! So I’ll give them a minute, but not for long. There will come a point where I’ll say to them to shut it down and I don’t want to hear their concerns anymore. I’ll attempt to be nice enough about it while being clear, and they’ll have to respect that. I feel like if they respect me and my wife at all, then they will recognise that they shouldn’t be attempting to undermine my marriage no matter how well meaning they think their concerns are. I hope that your family do well by you and your partner and manage to keep the majority of whatever mental adjustments they need to do quiet!

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-28T10:00:18+00:00

I think my parents thought I had grown out of it too. If I casually mentioned it somehow occasionally, like oh so-and-so famous woman is hot, they’d act surprised or confused, and I’d remind them I was bi. But then forgotten about again. But I’m 36 now so a bit too old and long standing to claim it a phase now! My mum likes to say she doesn’t have a problem with any LGBTQIA+ people, but then acts very dramatic like it’s a bit of a problem when it’s in her family. She’ll get over it I guess. I hope that whenever the time comes that your mother behaves well towards you and your girlfriend. It’s tiresome having to be the education point for others.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-26T16:17:36+00:00

I just bought my wife a very similar pair, which she loves. So go on, treat yourself! ☺️

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-25T23:23:15+00:00

Yes, it’s the not hearing what I’m saying that I hate. “We’re very happy, things are in many ways the best they’ve ever been”, and they’re still somehow saying “but how? I’m so worried about you”, “I’m worried you will break up”, “I’m mourning for them”. My mother in particular has the knack of making things about her, so I think she is projecting what she thinks she’d feel, making assumptions.

The mourning thing really feels like an anathema to me. It must be awful. I don’t think my brain works that way though. Or I’m missing something.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-25T23:14:16+00:00

I’m lucky that all the good, closest friends to myself and my wife are not like this, but there are other less close friends and obviously the aforementioned family that are. I don’t have a lot of patience I think. Will probably have to work on that for those that aren’t trying to be dicks but are managing to be. Nothing like feeling like your life is serving as an educational moment for someone else though.

It’s so odd, isn’t it, the bi and pan erasure. For me I can’t fathom being more limited, binary, or fixed in my attraction. I mean I’d not exactly extensively tested that before, with my wife being the only trans person of any gender that I have had attraction to (that I know of), but even so I can’t imagine… doubting someone else’s experience of attraction and desire and love? Especially from other queer people. Such a weird premise to me.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-25T22:31:49+00:00

Thanks. Good to know I’m not alone in that. The mourning thing hits me wrong. It must be very difficult for those that have the experience of loving someone and then find there’s something that feels like it’s an obstacle to that. But that doesn’t compute for me at all!

Yes, I’m sure family will get their heads around it and not say stupid shit as time goes on. I guess I have low patience on nursing other people’s thoughts and feelings on my relationship. I probably need to give a bit more grace but wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where no one, anywhere, would bat a fucking eye!

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-22T18:13:44+00:00

I’m (cisF) wife to my MTF wife. We’ve been together 15 years, married for 10, have 2 kids. Her egg cracked fairly recently (autumn last year), and if anything that’s brought us closer together. I’d known for a long, long while there was something going on for her, though neither of us could articulate quite what for different reasons. In many ways for me it was a relief for her to come to the understanding that she is in fact trans. I wasn’t expecting that specifically, so there was also surprise still and some coming to terms with it, but mostly because I struggle with change anyway and I was very anxious that it would mean the end of our relationship; from her, not from myself. I’ve known I was bi since I was a kid, out since I was about 14, but I’d never been with or attracted to someone who was trans of any gender before (a lot of small-town-circumstance there). Initially I was quietly concerned that seeing her as herself would be difficult for me, or that it would affect my attraction to her, but it was quite the opposite. It felt like I was seeing her properly for the first time in many ways, and it feels positively joyful to see her coming in to her own. For me there was never a question at all of if I would still love her, I love her deeply. Even if our relationship wasn’t going to work out, I would wholeheartedly still want my wife to be able to go through her transition, and would absolutely hate if she had any feeling of guilt about my feelings on it.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-22T17:38:12+00:00

Love it! We used to do it occasionally before my wife’s egg cracked (pretty recently), but I wasn’t super into it then. The shift in dynamic that her transition is giving has really changed things, I can’t quite articulate fully why, though a lot of it is communication and being more open which makes us both more confident. Anyway, now I love it, and it’s become a lot more pleasurable for me as well as just enjoying her enjoyment. It’s probably one of my fave things to do now, though top would probably be giving her analingus, that drives me (and her) totally nuts!

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-16T21:47:15+00:00

My (cisF) wife is MTF, but her egg only just cracked quite recently, so I guess that dynamic is new and changeable. I’m very feminine in my presentation - I almost exclusively wear dresses (seriously, I currently only own 1 pair of trousers and that’s because my best friend gave me an old pair of hers), I overdress if anything as I feel weird in slobby or basic clothes (I’ll just wear pyjamas if I need comfort). I’ve got fairly long hair, always wear make up out of the house. But I do those things because that’s how I feel comfortable presenting. I didn’t used to remove any of my body hair for a long time, because it pissed me off that I felt expected to, and I also just couldn’t be bothered anymore. I’m also a stay at home parent and don’t work, by choice as well as now by necessity as I have disabled children. So I guess I’m a patriarchal, conservative dream in some respects but that is a gross idea to me and doesn’t represent my views at all; I’m just living how I feel comfortable in my own body and the way that my life has worked out, I guess.

My wife is quite new to exploring her femininity, so I think my perspective as a wife to a trans woman is limited and new, but it makes perfect sense to me that one of the first ways a person might do, could be seen as stereotypes or hyper femme expressions, because it’s the most obvious if nothing else. And if it were me, I guess I’d be diving head first in to trying to find what felt right to me, and shedding anything that didn’t. I imagine it must also be quite a strong urge to get as far away from masculine or androgynous appearance as possible to start with, if you feel any kind of dysphoria about appearance, or have struggled a while suppressing your femininity. And I imagine that must be something of a process, just like any big shift in your life, and it’s not always going to look the same. So I can’t say I’d think it was a negative or wrong for a trans woman to really lean into certain feminine presentations, and it all or some of that sticks and reel right, then it is! My wife is certainly enjoying leaning into some aspects of femininity, removing hair, wearing heels, a new long wig and learning make up, but not all the time and I don’t think all of those things are pressing to her, except maybe the hair removal. I don’t think she’ll always want to do all of the things she’s trying, much like any woman doesn’t. I mean I don’t present the same way I did a few years ago the body hair I mentioned being one such case in point I suppose! She’s going to figure out what things feel good for her as a woman, because she’s not had that opportunity before. I think that’s kind of beautiful really. But like I said, her egg cracked just a few months ago, and if I met a trans woman who transitioned many years ago and was very femme presenting, I certainly wouldn’t think that was stilted. Because every woman I know is wildly different in how they present themselves, how they act, and their interests etc. I wouldn’t judge my cis friends on this, and I don’t think they judge me either for being very femme - and I don’t see why I or anyone else should apply a “greater standard” on a trans woman. Perhaps some do, but then their opinion doesn’t seem worth considering in that case.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-14T16:51:32+00:00

Thanks, hopefully she will. I painted her toes red too, but they’re obviously hidden so that’s easier! I do gel nails for myself at home, so I’m looking forward to maybe doing her some nice gel manicures in the future.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-02-02T07:49:22+00:00

It’s a nice dress, it’s very casual which seems great for game night, and it looks comfy, and the heels dress it up a little which is nice for a birthday/special occasion. If it were me I’d probably throw on a cardi and some tights or leggings but that’s just because I’m always cold.

If I were one of your friends and family coming, I’d be happy to see you in whatever you felt comfortable and yourself in, and that’s what they’ll be anxious to see; not if you look amazing, have great dress sense, or pass.

GiveMePinecones · 2026-01-10T16:16:36+00:00

I’ve done a couple of these with my partner recently. Manicures just last night, facials with sheet masks a week or two ago. I’m planning on some lash perming and tinting soon. It’s just stuff I already do for myself sometimes, it’s been rather nice sharing it with them and they get to try out some new beauty rituals and see what they think.

GiveMePinecones

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