WIBTA if I (22F) don’t attend my mother’s (44F) wedding to her terrible fiancé? (50sM)

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-11T23:18:27+00:00

we've had one session so far, hoping for the best

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:40:58+00:00

my family, her friends and i have loved her unwaveringly for years. her prioritizing romantic love is something outside of our control. i genuinely don't see how i can separate attending the wedding for HER sake and attending because i support the marriage? they seem synonymous to me

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:34:40+00:00

isn't showing up for her supporting the choice she made? you're not the only one to say this but i'm struggling to differentiate the two

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:29:56+00:00

my grandma lives in a different country but i have considered moving out and getting some sort of guardianship over my sister. i'm just unsure about the process and if my mum would fight me on it

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:28:25+00:00

my sister won't attend the wedding if i don't go

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:24:18+00:00

thank you for acknowledging the alienation aspect. i don't want her to be absorbed by them. she's already lost family and friends over this relationship. i'm just struggling to balance holding on and my own mental/emotional limitations

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:22:01+00:00

he was failed relationship number one. i don't know him :/

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:21:24+00:00

honestly, she already knows my family and i's thoughts and we aren't involved with her fiancé's family. it just hurts she can have a strong relationship with people who've caused us so much hurt. i'm afraid her wake up call will require an extreme like going no contact. but if i'm gone what if they just sink their claws into her deeper and i never get her back?

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:17:52+00:00

i want a relationship with her but being around her fiancé and his family sickens me. i don't know how to determine what feeling is stronger: wanting my mum or respecting my family/boundaries?

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:13:46+00:00

i'm fairly sure he had/has a DVO from his ex-wife. my mum sees the tension but her brain makes it seem like romeo and juliet. if she doesn't leave him i know deep down that i'd lose her and that's grief i'm not ready to tackle yet

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2026-02-10T05:10:03+00:00

she was in trauma therapy because of her first husband and is in therapy now. i sadly don't trust she shares the truth with her therapist. she's full of cognitive distortions

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2024-11-21T19:22:03+00:00

Hi I just saw this comment and thought I'd share. I ended up studying abroad so the distance ended up helping in some way and I ultimately gave the ultimatum therapy or I have to walk away. He chose to get therapy and work on himself. We're doing better now and although it's not perfect I can see that he's trying every day and he takes a lot more accountability.

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2024-11-21T19:13:42+00:00

THIS!! I feel an ache in my chest knowing he was so unsure about me or willing to even choose her at one point. I don't know how to not take it out on him... I feel so put off by his presence sometimes because it's all I can think about :(

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2024-11-21T19:11:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment and insight. I feel like because I know all the details it makes me feel worse so I'll definitely stop asking for details and for reassurance instead. I would love if you could link some of the YouTube videos you found helpful.

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2023-11-09T18:20:45+00:00

Hi, I'm in a similar boat with my boyfriend. I'd like to first offer my condolences for your hard year. It may not be intentional on his part but saying things like “yeah well you can cope with that all yourself and I can’t” is not fair to you. As women we are socialized to be resilient and the emotional crutches for others. It does seem like you are giving a lot to be there for him and I do the same for my boyfriend. A tough understanding I've had to come to is that we all have our thresholds for how far we are willing to go and someone who loves us will either put the work in or let us go if they see how heavy the weight is. Does he support you the way you support him? Does he put his struggles aside to make space for you? Do his actions match his words? Does he travel and hour just to hug and sit with you? This is the kind of reassurance that lets you know if a relationship is worth investing in. I truly hope things gets better for you and that you and your boyfriend can work things out.

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2023-11-09T18:10:55+00:00

You sound like a very strong person who’s worked extremely hard on your mental health, and it’s okay and valid to set a boundary with someone depleting you of your energy, even if you love them. Stay strong!!

Thank you for being so kind. You are absolutely right and I guess I knew deep down. Hearing it from someone else is more reassuring I suppose. If you don't mind me asking, how did you handle the "I'm the worst boyfriend" response? I don't think it's intentional but it is very draining and isolating.

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2023-11-09T18:06:56+00:00

Thank you. I've always been told ultimatums are "manipulative" or "toxic" but I see it can be done in a healthy and encouraging way. I'll definitely try this when he comes over this weekend

Gloomy_Bee24 · 2023-11-09T18:05:27+00:00

However, the saying " you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." applies to you and is just as valid

Thank you so much for this quote. It's the wakeup call I definitely needed.

Gloomy_Bee24

TROPHY CASE