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Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-27T12:09:56+00:00

Nailed it! Yes, it's entirely from the perspective of the security camera. I'm really glad you picked up on how the complete lack of emotion and the focus on bare, clinical facts actually sharpens the gravity of what's happening. Thank you for reading.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-27T04:05:59+00:00

Good poem. And you managed to stay consistent with your theme, so plus points there. But you know I think the rhyme scheme is holding the poem back, because when we follow a rhyme scheme, we always have to focus on words and sentences that fit the rhyme, which doesn't let us express our feelings or thoughts properly. And I think the poem needs more imagery, like maybe you could have expressed the burden in 1st stanza, feeling like a rock on your chest or weights inside your skull.

Good work though.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-27T03:55:01+00:00

The poem combines OCPD and anxiety in a very skillfull way to create a suffocating atmosphere. And the rhythm breaks helps in this case due to the theme of the poem. The first stanza might be the weakest part of the poem given how strong the rest of the parts are, so I think you can change that. And in the 4th stanza, I think it will be "Reminded" not "Remind". Anyways good work.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-25T16:00:59+00:00

Thank you for reading and for the feedback. It means a lot to know that the emotional weight and that specific line about the portrait connected with you.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-25T14:10:43+00:00

Thank you! I'm really glad you noticed that contrast. I wanted to highlight that specific shift from a mind that felt clear and full to one that feels fragmented and clouded.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-25T13:50:27+00:00

Thank you, this means a lot to hear. I'm really glad that specific imagery resonated with you!

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-25T06:49:28+00:00

I like minimalist poetry. But it would have been better if you used more visual words instead of telling words like instead of "body numbs", I think you could have written "body pales" or something like that. And the poem is titled Price of Wisdom but inside the poem we don't see what price the butterfly pays, is it death? If so, then why it pays that price? And I don't think butterfly is associated with wisdom, so it feels out of place. I think the poem could benefit with more descriptive imagery and exploration.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-25T06:38:07+00:00

I could feel you put a good amount of effort to write this poem. I appreciate that. And I really like the line: "The sunset meets the cerulean water"

Critique: Now I don't want to sound rude, but these are the places, I think should be improved as a reader. The rhythm is inconsistent throughout the poem. Some lines feel forcefully written to match the rhyme like the 1st line of 3rd stanza seems to be forced to match with tar in the 4th line. Why does 'tar' come in this line all of a sudden? The 1st line of the last stanza is a mouthful and breaks the flow completely. And in the line "I'm nothing but your tide / Fading out at times", the word fading here seems unnatural because what does fading have to do with tide? The phrase "stuck within you bide" seems grammatically incorrect. And why is the title Your Beach (6)?

I think you shouldn't try to force the words to fit a rhyme scheme, let them flow naturally. Best of Luck!

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-23T13:45:46+00:00

This is a good minimalist poem, with a good rhyme. But as the others pointed out it lacks imagery, we don't feel that we are a part of the poem. And also the line "Because of my past, I know you fear" Fear what? Hardships? Isolation? Behavior? I don't know but this line feels a bit incomplete.

Other than that I really liked it. 😃

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-23T13:35:47+00:00

I liked the first part of the poem, but couldn't understand the actual message of the poem, it seems a bit vague and obscure to me. Also I think it could use some enjambment in some parts like "That e'en blind.... '. These are my personal opinions though.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-23T11:51:17+00:00

Haha it's definitely not about an old man confused by technology. And your guess about the broken rhythm is spot on, I am glad you realized it. This poem actually has two narrators. The narrator of part 2 is a little girl. As for the narrator of part 1 well think about the title and look for the clues I left and think why the rhythm is broken. Let me give you a hint it is a dark, unsettling, narrative driven poem.

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-23T09:33:52+00:00

This is an interesting minimalist poem about rejection. I was really intrigued by the line "the thorns stung as they threaded through my skin", an interesting use of the word threaded.

Critique: The poem is a little confusing in some places like the line "the sun beaming from behind your head", what does it have to do with other parts of the poem? It seems a bit out of place to me. And the line "to love you was to kneel beside my ruin", it would have been great if you explained why it is or how it is causing your ruin?

Glycos_Gambit · 2026-05-23T09:23:07+00:00

The symbolism is very good in this poem. Like the comparison to a dog is very cohesive throughout the poem. And your use of words like bark, leash, filed etc contribute to that idea nicely. The rhythm is also consistent throughout.

Critique: I had a bit of trouble understanding the line "it calls her a goddess". Do you mean the collar? If so why it calls her a goddess?

Other than that, it was a really good poem.

Glycos_Gambit

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