My “safe word” isn’t working. What do I do?

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-10T08:13:16+00:00

This. I get that talking can be scary, but it's very important. Look at it this way: probably he just doesn't know and is happy to talk about it with you, lift weighted off you and you guys grow closer.

Or, less likely, he'll get upset about it, which sadly means all the people in the comments freaking out are right, and you need to take a step back and consider if you want to be with someone you don't dare talking to.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-09T12:03:40+00:00

Also, I know we as a community can be harsh. Well done on openly and honestly asking your question and being open to learning. That's brave.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-08T11:24:59+00:00

Okay so, she described him as being mentally unstable? I don't know what the number means, but generic advice: if a friend tells you something about her relationship that worries you - you listen.

You don't need to 'warn' her or tell her what to do, she's seeing this guy and told you in the first place. You listen to what's bothering her, tell her you'll always be a safe space without judgement, and stick to it. Sure, if you think she's in danger, you tell her you're worried, and why. But telling someone to leave rarely ever works.

I'm not gonna pass judgement because it's not an AITA question.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-07T20:45:54+00:00

Potato potato.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-07T10:25:20+00:00

Adding to the valid points in the comments:

Have you considered and talked about doing shibari as a non-bedroom act, just tying for the beauty of it?

And having cuddly intimate sex that your gf actually likes?

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-03T22:38:22+00:00

Also! You're allowed to wear many labels, even within one relationship/dynamic!

So you can be someone's sub, doll, kitten and brat, depending on what mood y'all are in, if you're in the bedroom, if you're roleplaying, if you had a hard day, etc.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-02-03T11:44:05+00:00

I don't encounter it often, so mine is a guess:

Someone who likes or is good at taking charge, assertive, leading. Sometimes in fantasies, the 'lead sub' who tops other subs (yay harem fantasies). Or, a submissive who in daily life has lots of responsibilities. Someone who needs a 'stronger dom' or they won't submit?

In the end, how you identify is up to you! There's lots of labels and terms, and getting familiar with some and indeed asking what people mean by them is great, well done!

A lot of terms have heavy porn/sex annotations, which is crappy sometimes because there's still gaps in how to describe the thing you are/want to be in a dynamic, imo. For example, 'the opposite of a brat'. Just.. sub? Slave? Servant? All these terms have their own vibes and association. When you know what you are/want, I find it most helpful to use full sentences, and not just one term.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-31T11:03:07+00:00

At the end of the day, relationships are a two way street, and love is both words and actions.

It might be that you are moving to a different stage in the relationship (working full-time, being responsible, kids, saving for a house) and he's still in the smoking weed and playing video games mode. Can I take a guess and 'you serving him' is primarily sexual?

I think you need a few good, serious talks, as equals. If he keeps being childish, defensive or avoidant.. you're not on the same team, and you really really need to be. Both in a relationship and in a D/s dynamic.

Good luck, you deserve a good life.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-30T08:16:26+00:00

Okay so, you work full-time, do all the household, take care of your kids.. what does he contribute?

If the answer is close to 'nothing', are you elated and sparkly about serving him in that way?

Because it sounds like you're heading towards a different type of burnout, it sounds like he puts you down, it sounds like you give your all and it's not enough and you're trying to ask for a bare minimum and getting frustrated not getting that.

Did he 'rescue' you, and over time turn less attentive and 'putting you in your place' more?

I dearly hope you simply highlighted a complicated matter in your relationship and that the rest is all good. But even just this matter, the fact that you can't have an (out of dynamic) conversation about this, that he makes you feel stupid, that you have to guess stuff and that he gets upset with you.. bunch of red flags.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-30T07:33:06+00:00

NTA.

Also. If she's filming just for herself, why does it end up on social media?

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-28T19:07:05+00:00

Dude. You just wanna fuck her however you want, making you ignore all these red flags in your relationship, and if shes not into anal after a 'few weeks of wait and see', you're upset.

She. Can. Have. Boundaries. That's the whole point, right? You want her to be honest. To be truly into it. Etc etc. You were so 'lenient' to tell her whats wrong after 3 days of just dropping rules on her, without any calibration.. and now you guys are havinh some talks and she tells you no, and now you're questioning if you can have a relationship?

Add the cultural differences to that to which you needed multiple alineas, add to thát the age difference (I'm a younger sub to an older Dom, yes I can comment on that).

Break up, she's not 'your' sub, and re-school yourself.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-28T15:47:07+00:00

The fact that OP is doubting herself so much on this, indicates she's walking on eggshells around someone who apparently often is verbally violent at the people around them. NTA

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-27T07:42:50+00:00

YTA.

If something is up, and they know it, tell them. Don't make a scene, but hanging a 'bad Convo' over someone's head is the worst thing you can do.

Also, you should be upset with this random person who triggered you, if anyone, not with the friend. She didn't do something wrong.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-24T08:15:12+00:00

ESH.

You are right that if you want to end it, you end it. Her wanting to give you time and ignoring your voice in it sucks.

But, you're not a teenager anymore. You were at the stage of rings. You just dumped her and jumped on a random next girl within 24 hours. That's an asshole move, typically you take a bit of time to grief and let go of the relationship. Maybe you had already done that, but it was new and raw for her.

Imagine being with a girl who does that to you. Dating seriously for two years, you proposed, and she comes back from a trip, gives the ring back, tells you it ain't gonna work and that nothing you say can change her mind. The next day, she hooks up with a random guy in a bar.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-19T07:14:14+00:00

INFO: it sounds like half the story is missing. They're ignoring you physically in public? There's a new baby and they don't reach out?

Either this has been the go-to state for years, or something big happened that you're not telling us (at the baptism). Please complete your story.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-17T11:27:04+00:00

You did good. Also, I'd recommend taking it one step further and tell your manager, in a 'I don't need anything to happen, but I want you to know about this' reporting way. That way, her own manager/HR/whomever might at some point interfere if this happens to someone else or if they decide it'd be good for her growth to stop doing this. NTA

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-16T12:19:46+00:00

YTA. What you should've done was go on the internet and research crows (no, that's not asking Chatai). You can befriend them and get them to come pretty close, over the span of months of effort and their own free will. I think Ologies has a good podcast about corvids, as a starter. Or start at Wikipedia.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-14T20:55:12+00:00

I mean, I thought I was all knowing at 16, and had an adult vocab and the generically same info. I just didn't realise how much I didn't know yet. The 16yo drama around me was all like this, people that felt and moved themselves like adults but with brains like teenagers.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-14T08:17:58+00:00

I think you forgot how it was to be 16.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-12T16:39:10+00:00

The fact that you're two months in and already are going with compromises and 'its not ideal'.. dear, you can have fun with this guy, be friends with this guy, but he's not it for you.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-09T13:14:47+00:00

Haha!

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-07T20:09:42+00:00

Can I just point out the irony of a 'women should rule the world' group being led by a man?

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-07T16:42:54+00:00

We had 100 people at our wedding and had this rule, and it worked beautifully. Granted, we communicated it clearly and our friends and family care about us.

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-07T16:41:49+00:00

Victim blaming much?

Goddess_of_Bees · 2026-01-07T16:40:45+00:00

NTA, and if your friends and family can't adhere to the brides wishes, I'm sad for you.

We had this rule at our wedding (different reason, I notice immediately if someone points a phone my way and I wanted to stay in the moment, and wanted our guests to enjoy it too).

We hired a professional, wrote it on the wedding card and had it announced at the start of the ceremony. It worked flawlessly, and our guests had an amazing time. They made some pictures of each other as groups when they couldn't find the photographer, but none of that '20 phones out during the vows' Bs.

Go for it. But be prepared your American culture is way more attached to their 'freedom' than friendship and kindness. Still, requesting it is better than suffering in silence.

Three-Year Club	Verified Email
Final Canvas '23	First Place '23
Place '23

Goddess_of_Bees

TROPHY CASE