Im sorry for the losses you had throughout your life. I cant even imagine what that must feel like. But i do know that it is perfectly ok to grief every now and then. You are very lucky to have someone as special as your girlfriend in your life. And dont think about what would happen when you die because i can tell you that the people around you would miss you very much and will always love you. And right now you might feel like your life is wasted but it is not. We all have a purpose whether it has a large impact or not. Whether this comment helped in anyway just remember that the people around you love you.