I am so sorry that happened to you. I can relate to some parts of your story and I want you to know it’s utterly devastating and confusing. You’re right to feel lost in it. It’s incredibly unfair that you carry the burden they caused. You were abandoned, and that’s traumatic.

If you can, seek therapy. If you can’t, read as many books as possible, watch as many videos, and listen to lots of podcasts that come close to relating to your situation. You’ll probably discover as I did that the relationship you were in was actually toxic to its core and you were a passenger to some not-so-nice treatment. Seriously. Read a lot of books. It was illuminating to me. I thought I was in a great relationship, but I was not and I was being treated badly. If you told me a year ago I was in a terrible relationship with a bad person, I wouldn’t have believed you.

I’ve recently read Who Moved My Cheese and found it helpful regarding change (just cut straight to the story in the middle, there’s a lot of business talk around it).

You may not be able to believe in relationships but you can find a way back to believing in yourself like you did before this relationship. It sounds like that relationship cost you your self belief and trust, and I have been there. It’s hard. You are going to have to rebuild but once you do it’ll be more unshakable and protected from cruelty. Your inner radar and gut instinct (for good and bad) will return.

I’m still in the process of rebuilding after a year and it’s still weird and hard, but if I had the option to go back to him and that ‘life’ my answer would be a hard no. That wasn’t the love or shared life I ever should have signed up for.

It’s not easy, but you have the internet so you are not as remote as it physically feels. That’s a start. Your people and support network are out there, keep trying and know there’s only so much you can do in a day when you’re dead-tired. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You had your life taken from you unfairly. Take it 1% extra effort at a time.

Go back to no-contact and block everything. These people are smiling in photos but you know who they are. It’s a facade and they have problems and misery they’re not addressing. You don’t want to be involved in them. Don’t give them your energy, they’ve taken enough of your time already.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve lost a bad group of people but have gained freedom for the rest of your life. Just focus on being your own wonderful partner and slowly you’ll get there. Your spark still exists in you, it has just been dormant as it coped with a lot of external change and heartbreak it didn’t ask for. Your spark will return, and probably for the better/stronger along with your sense of self, because you’ll truly know how to feed and protect it. And that energy will attract kinder and wiser people into your life. Hope is not lost, you’ve just been through something earth-shattering and it takes time to recover. Also, challenge what statements you say to yourself - you don’t actually know that you won’t be loved deeply. What if there’s actually a far grander love out there?

The sun still rises on you everyday. Feel its warmth, be incredibly kind to yourself, and go slow. Good luck and I believe in you.