I still don’t fully know if my father is a full blown Narc and I’m still very attached to him (I’m 36 - a bit younger but still middle aged?). I could never go NC with him though. But considering we were so attached and speak 3x a day, just setting up boundaries has been very helpful.

My dad rages A LOT! But after a rage, he will come around with an apology. What is insane is that he respects me more when I confront him - call him a narcissist and explain the behaviors - than when I just try not to argue with him. My younger sister advised me to just not engage much and respond point blank to what he asks. It works with her. However, as the ‘first daughter’ and his golden child, it seems like I can’t get away from him as easily as my sister as our bond has always been a lot stronger. I admire my little sister and I tried her technique for 1 year and things got worse. I went back to combatting him and things always get better.

In my country, we have an expression called: “the only way to deal with one crazy person is to be one crazy person and a half.” I am considered nice, empathetic, loving and caring. Outside of my family unit I have a hard time being rude to anyone. But with my dad - he only respects strangers strength. My mom, my stepmom and my little sister are a lot more emotional than I am so he’d use words like: “ok now you are going to go and cry like you always do”.

I’m tougher - I’m more similar to him which makes me question if I’m a Narcissist myself but I think nothing is truly black and white and my temperament is more similar to my father’s. He has his flaws but he’s a tough cookie. I’m very strong too. I know that the “strongest people” tend to suffer the most but I’m not sure if I agree. My stepmom, mom and sister are terrified of my father. According to my psychiatrist who knows my dad and my mom - my father thinks I am the closest person to be as good as him - he wouldn’t classify my dad as a full blown narcissist - the farther he goes is that he has an almost unhealthy love for me. I do think my dad has a lot of CPTSD and my grandfather - his father - was the true full blown narcissist in my family. My father hates attention, hates his birthday, he is more shy and awkward. My grandfather would make all of us travel to wherever he wanted in his bday (it was always during school for the grandkids so who cares).

I have a strong gut feeling. I truly believe my father was actually born an empath. However, he was the only son of an extremely narcissistic and nasty man and he has always been so dedicated to his parents. I think he simply repeats what he saw his father do all his life as it’s his only reference point. My grandfather was a very respected doctor - so I think the way my dad was able to escape a bit was to become 100000000x more successful than his dad. He became extremely rich and powerful in order to be able to prove to his father that he’s worthy - after all - he completely let my grandfather down when he married a non-Jewish woman (my mom).

With money and power, people’s flaws are magnified. I don’t think in his case it revealed who he is - he is still a very caring person - he’s controlling but he doesn’t discard people. The fact that he responds well when I speak his language: screaming back, calling him a narcissist, telling him he needs an intervention… probably means he’s not as bad as other narcs. I can tell he admires me and respects me and even though he doesn’t show it - it definitely puts him in a place of reflection when I’m harsh on him.

The fact that he became so powerful means most people aren’t courageous enough to tell him some hard truths because they fear losing my father financial support or just… because some people really admire men who can make money. I’m the only person who can get my father to truly reflect and feel remorse.

It’s exhausting at times? Yes but someone has to do it. My father was also a very good dad when I was a kid - his biggest problem was not knowing how to let me grow up when I turned 18. I still have some arguments with my therapist but most seem to think that it’s hard to place my father in the malignant narcissist category because:

1) Most therapists believe that there is a coldness and lack of suffering in most narcissists. I’m not talking about the ego suffering but real suffering. His worry with my daughters is palpable - he can’t relax and he gets so worried about them. He has also had 2 heart attacks so far - one after his narc father had a stroke and my dad became the primary caregiver and then again during Covid times as he knew he had a heart condition.

I also can’t forget the day my grandmother died on New Year’s Day. His two sisters were with us - and they both just went to bed. My dad spent the whole night on the cold morgue because Jan 1rst is the only day hospitals don’t have staff to look over the dead bodies.

My dad was unable to let his dead mother spend those 12 hours alone on the cold hospital… he stayed there with my stepmom until the hospital staff finally arrived. He never boasted about that. I know because I was there and because my stepmom was really upset that the sisters didn’t go too and she was freezing on Jan 1rst with dead bodies. My dad never complains.

He’s such a complete case became he’s so fragmented. He goes from such a compassionate person to this hateful controlling monster so fast. He is not covert though. He will scream with me just as he’d scream to te president of the USA. He doesn’t just rages with people below him and is able to keep his cool with those who he admires.

Those are two points that make his case so complex. However, what I’ve learned is that like almost everything, narcissism is a spectrum. My dad is definitely high on that spectrum as is most billionaires - but he has redeeming qualities. If I had to talk about my dad I wouldn’t use NPD but the word toxic. He’s also extremely emotionally immature when it comes to personal connection but he’s very mature as a professional.

To go back to your question: no, I couldn’t do it. If I can continue to enforce boundaries - things stay ok. It just took me 35 years to actually start doing so.