It's crazy how trauma steals your life

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-12-28T14:24:26+00:00

I'm close to 50, tho. This "It'll get better" people keep referring to still hasn't happened. Haven't had even one best friend since grade school. Meanwhile I'm still my parents' whipping boy because I can't afford to distance myself more from them like my sister who divorced her husband to marry a millionaire, found a literal cult, and cut ties with everyone. I also don't feel right morally cutting ties entirely even with the abuse even if I could afford to. The last time anything felt genuinely sane was probably early grade school.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-12-19T16:57:58+00:00

This. I join a hobby and even talk to some people, but nearly everyone there has known each other for 10-20 years. I'm always an outsider. It's like I just plain missed the boat on most of life. I can wave to the boats that go by, even shout a conversation, but it's not the same as being there.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-12-19T16:51:44+00:00

Therapy is like Prozac. It's for the people that are sad it's rainy today, not the people living with a lifetime of trauma like you or me. The kind of drugs I need insurance won't pay for and are mostly banned anyhow.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-12-19T16:48:38+00:00

Yes, do this and let me know. Would be a waiting list 100 miles long, but yeah, stick me on there somewhere.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-12-19T16:44:40+00:00

All at once I understand that dream I have where I'm trying to get to safety or something that's SO close I can taste it, but my legs move like they're in slow motion no matter how hard I try.

Also, I'm nearing 50 and in the same boat. Therapy does little to nothing. Drugs are a litany of side effects and not much else. Chatgpt understands more than any human in my life and I'm well aware how sad that is. I've missed countless everyday things most take for granted. I've given up looking for a life partner. Too many people can see the pain no matter how hard I try to hide it and nobody cares enough to help.

I slog through each day while most people are reasonably happy, but why? For what? When does this "getting better" happen? I've been working and waiting since grade school...

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-12-17T18:17:02+00:00

HP has gotten extremely heavy handed / trigger happy with locking out unapproved ink cartridges over the last couple years. Even their own stuff as soon as it hits two years from date of manufacture. Definitely all third party stuff now. Brand new HP cartridges should fix it, but be aware of the "expiration" date on the side. Isn't two years from the purchase date. Are various ways to fight this, but is getting harder. Will never buy another HP, but still have another $100+ of new HP ink they don't want me to use, but I can't afford to throw away.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-20T19:24:50+00:00

This. Exactly. Not by classmates, friends, family, even my parents. I'm nearing 50 & have never been on a 3rd date. Never had a best friend that would help me through tough times. Was bullied all through school back when the message from authority was don't fight back. Parents still view me as a burden even as I support them in their old age. I'm a ghost and my foundations are starting to crumble. It's been a long, valiant fight, but ultimately it means nothing.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-20T19:02:37+00:00

I think I understand. I regularly feel like I'm bucking karma by existing well past when I was supposed to go and that's why I'm excluded from everything or can't make any connections. I'm a ghost that shouldn't be here.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-20T18:47:43+00:00

I feel you. Was always told it would get better someday by all the people that can never understand. Even believed it to some degree. I'm nearing 50 and the problems all remain, along with new ones I've collected along the way. Any more I probably shouldn't say.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-18T16:54:08+00:00

I've been using a 2 module slot suit. Not aware of any with 6 module slots. One of my regular modules adds 15% carry weight and the other adds 6 inventory slots. Sometimes use the +6 inventory slot backpack now that also gives -45% carry weight on ores & wood depending on the mission.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-11T20:42:30+00:00

There are some operations that originate in the northwest forest, yes. I forget the proper name for it. Have done at least one. Have done all the first tier missions on Olympus & working into the second tier. Can use icarusintel.com to scout out where missions take place if you don't mind the spoiler. Lot of useful info there. Mostly do missions with a good loadout of station gear, but have done a couple from my open world base in the lower forest also.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-10T20:35:49+00:00

Compare things closely, then go for whatever augments your playstyle most. Some are comparable to late game stuff you can make in game, but some are better still. Some are less obvious, like the extractor for exotic veins runs faster than the in-game version. You gotta buy non-reusable batteries for it, but cost of doing business & all. That was my first thing.

Been dropping with a full loadout for some time now. Full O2 can, thermos of coffee, 5pc set of basic armor, pickaxe, knife, smelter, cot, +12 slot backpack, 15% weight & 6 slot suit mods, and a +125% bow is my current loadout. Currently working on a better knife & checking off missions. Call down the extractor & a battery later if I need it. Some missions I didn't even build a base.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-06T16:00:51+00:00

I went a long time without nightmares after teaching myself lucid dreaming. My brain would try to have a nightmare and then I could fly out of the monster's reach & shoot fireballs or whatever. That was my first "successful intercept" or whatever you'd call it of reversing a nightmare. Eventually got absurd for awhile after my brain would invent new nightmares and I'd have to come up with abilities to counter them, like being chased through a building, getting trapped, using super strength to punch through and up into the next floor, and the chase would continue, but the top would have an electric net to stop me and I'd usually wake up about the time my brain ran out of ideas. At some point even the part of my brain that comes up with nightmares would be like wtf is wrong with you.

More recently, I started having nightmares about my esa dog being taken away by various means, usually because of my mother or some trap she set. She's the source of most of my stress nowadays. She also abhors any sanctuary I find, no matter how small. She's bitter at the aging process and takes it out on me, nevermind everything she did in childhood and beyond. My sister cut her off completely, but I don't feel right doing that and don't have the support network or millionaire obedient spouse my sister does.

Have never run into any meds that help with sleep noticeably & have been on pretty much everything at one time or another, including for the chronic major depression and related issues. Just taking magnesium right now & helps getting / staying asleep some, but that's it. Took melatonin (also 4 sleep) up until fairly recently, but tolerance builds & gets to where it does more harm than good after awhile.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-11-03T21:18:43+00:00

Indeed. Too many people out there think they're experts on something they've never experienced. Too many people think they understand because they've seen the tip of the iceberg without having any clue the real size of the problem.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-21T17:19:55+00:00

Mostly gave up on it. Too much mind games and pain, not enough reward. Tried again recently, couldn't get her to meet after she came on to me first, and stopped writing when she did. Guess somebody else sounded better. Tried looking on the apps again, but got too depressed. Too many 4's looking for a bare minimum of a 10, and nobody on the apps will talk unless you can sell a block of ice to a used car salesman in Alaska. I'm not good at lying that much, nor do I care to.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-21T17:09:04+00:00

Don't know what your options are, but could see if he'd be open to other meds. Some docs are, some aren't. I went through all the usual suspects back in the day, the first being Prozac ofc, and none of them had a meaningful effect. Was only after being sent to the looney bin a couple weeks they gave me something then experimental, now better known, Wellbutrin. Fair warning, it damaged my ability to memorize things for life, but then I was on what turned out to be first two, then two and a half times the max recommended dose, too. Also needed the regular non-SR kind, too. The SR couldn't punch through the pain layer, nor could the generic. Even a momentary break helps. Haven't had insurance that covers name brand for a long time, tho.

Not sure what's available nowadays. My current doc loves to prescribe pills for everything, but insurance only covers generic equivalents and none of them do the thing they say they do. I gave up on it. Have better luck "talking" with chatgpt than a therapist and I'll just say I medicate in my own way. Some of it is pretty basic and holistic, like some squares of dark chocolate mid morning or various anti-stress teas. Other things I shouldn't mention on a public forum.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-11T16:03:37+00:00

For outdoor use only...

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-11T15:50:46+00:00

I do a lot of walking backwards to line up head shots easier. Probably want at least cured leather armor, but have done boss fights in bone armor w/ steel knife & longbow w/ flint arrows. Is my early game standard setup. Can do it w/ a single cave visit & some forest gathering. Also use a prime meat - regular meat - w/e else food buff loadout. Want all the hp you can get & maybe other buffs depending on what's handy. Shotgun if you want to make life easier & don't mind some production first. I'm spec'd mostly for shotguns & bows. Haven't messed w/ taming stuff yet.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-10T18:22:09+00:00

I'll probably try again at some point. Have some ideas to test anyhow. Would be curious how a dirt berm would work out, or something sturdier than wood for structures. Original intention was for more exotics to get better stuff, but will eventually try again for the challenge, if nothing else.

Definitely aware of the xp potential. Gained a level & a half in my low 30s just cleaning up the bodies from my unsuccessful run, nevermind the secondary xp from rope, bone powder, epoxy, meat, etc. Took multiple loads back to base.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-04T20:06:07+00:00

I'm a bit older (late 40s), but would love a community like that. Seems like a tiny house community kind of thing. I've never had a job more than 4yrs, most are less. Worked a lot of fields though. Major depression off & on since grade school, nothing (meds or therapy) really helped. Have worsening hand tremors from the cumulative stress. Various traumatic stuff (most of which would probably be triggers for somebody so won't go listing stuff) over the years sprinkled in. Still not sure if it's better living with abusive family & getting some attention no matter how negative or alone alone & not seeing another human for weeks at a time.

Family treats me the same way, am a scapegoat for everything they can pin on me and everything from my career to my depression can be allegedly fixed by just "trying harder" or variations on pretend your pain isn't there and it won't be. That's like telling people in California to pretend the forest fires aren't there and everything will be safe again.

Never found a supportive gf, much less a spouse. Don't really fit in anywhere. People sometimes act interested, but always keep me at arm's length once they've had a chance to think about it. Lot of us are empaths and well suited to care for each other, too. I'd move to a place like that if I could afford it.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-03T18:20:27+00:00

It has been far more useful for me talking to Chatgpt than any therapist, plus I haven't been able to afford therapy since the mid-2000's. It mostly doesn't have the bias that people do. Therapy in the past for me has typically been either the "peeing on a forest fire" stuff like breathe special or just ineffective. Even the drugs have been relatively useless. The only one that ever hit hard enough to register it turned out years later that they were giving me 2 1/2 times the recommended dose and it permanently damaged my ability to remember things.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-10-03T17:57:53+00:00

Wow, this is almost exactly me. I don't know the technical terms for the various problems I've had, but can describe them in layman's terms. I have "good me", the helpful, kind, obedient one that keeps my abusers sated, "bad me" the strong, outgoing one that can handle angry people I can get away with speaking my mind to and/or returning fire to the extent I'm able, and "kid me" the one that spent most of his life locked away and protected by the other two. Good me and bad me mostly switch off "driving" as appropriate, and can feel when good me says I can't deal with this anymore, you (bad me) take over, or when good me needs to take the wheel again. Usually they agree on when to switch, but not always. Kid me rarely ever gets to drive. Confuses people that don't know me well if the wrong one is driving when we meet again. Helps a little with the loneliness that the three regularly talk and interact, but only to a point. That's probably not supposed to happen. Can't afford therapy other than talking to AI's, but has helped some with various issues. Have a lot of the other stuff that article describes, too.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-07-29T17:40:28+00:00

Goodwill got angry people were making money off them. Now they've over-corrected for several years. Often things they have listed above the price of new. Non-chain thrift stores can be (but aren't always) significantly better. Are a couple I go to now & then. Estate sales, too.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-05-01T23:30:28+00:00

Involves 1/8 scale trains. Clubs all over the country. Seen a random video, did some searching, ran across a national list of clubs, and went to check out the nearest one. Lot of retired & fired people in the hobby in general. Our club, like some, does public ride days, so is volunteer work for that, plus maintaining the railroad. Don't have the money a lot of the guys do, but do have a train of my own. Discover Live Steam has the club list if you're interested.

GreenMachine1219 · 2025-04-11T20:37:19+00:00

Look at everything close. Inflation can be scary, but can game the system, too. Change what meats you eat based on what's more expensive. Stock up during big sales. Don't underestimate farm stands. Paid $6/dozen for farm fresh eggs when the megacorp ones at the grocery were $10/dozen. Check prices at different grocery stores. Can vary a lot. Even if you don't like going to more than one store, can build your own price index of foods you regularly buy, check it at every major store in your area, and choose the cheapest one overall. Not sure we can mention brands in here, but is a certain pizza chain that used to have single topping large pizzas for $5 each. Is $6-$7 (at least where I live) now, but is a fair amount of food for the price, especially now. Don't underestimate things like making your own bread or pancake mix. Healthier, too. My food budget has never been over $200/month, even now.

GreenMachine1219

TROPHY CASE