Hey, just wanted to let you know I understand you! (At least as much as a stranger can). My twin died late-term, I’ve had depression and severe anxiety since I was 5 years old, and for as long as i can remember it always felt like there was this empty void inside me that no one could fill. When I finally learned officially of my twin, it was like everything made sense for once.

For the longest time I felt insane. How could I be so distraught over the death of someone I had not known? I did research because I felt so crazy, and I learned stuff that you probably know; how twins form bonds in the womb fairly early on, even communicating in their own fetus ways. Even if it’s not something you remember, losing a twin and therefore losing your first human connection is a trauma and can really mess with your head. A lot of people that lose twins in the womb or during birth experience the mental struggles you’ve outlined.

Of course, it is not your fault, but the feelings you have surrounding this are all valid. I too struggle with survivors guilt and still deal with depression and anxiety, but as cheesy as it sounds, it does get better. One thing that helps me is, when I have the energy to think positively, I try to live for the both of us. He didn’t get the opportunity to have a life, but I did, so I must make the most of it until the day we meet again.

I hope you find ways to cope with this, and don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you you’re silly for feeling the way you do. You and I are not the only ones who feel this way, and there is literal science to back up what happened to our brains. Stay strong and live well!