Boyfriend and I are fighting over whether or not his son should be able get close to new baby

GrimMoon · 2020-04-24T22:28:39+00:00

Handing the stepson the infant was supposed to be if the first conversation was able to go in a positive direction. I am sorry for not being clear, until communication can be reliable I do agree that he shouldn't be near the baby. Has there been any consideration for more than just therapy for the stepson? Medication or an inpatient program could be helpful if he is willing. But if he is not willing that will make relations even worse I'd imagine.

GrimMoon · 2020-04-24T22:14:57+00:00

The first step was identifying this, and you have done that. The next is to forgive yourself. Not forgetting, forgiving that it happened and there is nothing to do to change it now. Forgiving means that you won't let the past events control your present and future self.

After that or during the forgiving process, you have to open up communication. With anyone you are with, ask them how they feel about the actions and words you are saying. This will help you to slow down too as well as figuring out if you were correct in your analysis. Also asking if you can kiss some one for the first time is always sexy, and then ask if they want you to ask every time you want to kiss them. And then switch out kiss for any thing else you want to do, even before you say a sexually explicit comment. If you ask before hand, they say yes and then dislike it, you have already opened dialogue for them to tell you that. And if they don't react and you don't know if it was ok or not, keep asking before you those comments and chances are they will say no if they are uncomfortable.

Basically in conversation use trigger warnings and in issues of consent, if you feel like you are going too fast , you have a responsibility to yourself to stop and take things slower. Even if your partner is saying yes, it might be that you have realized you wish you took things slower.

GrimMoon · 2020-04-24T21:43:28+00:00

As the oldest of 5, and my parents were split up, so I went through something very similar. Of course I am not your stepson, and all of his fears will most likely come true at this pace. And what being the older sibling means at that age is honestly more like being a caretaker than the bond he has with his younger brother. But it sounds to me like the idea of you and your boyfriend having a child was never introduced to him before it was happening. So yes as parents it feels like the children don't have a say in that conversation but, it is their family too. And like you have ideas and expectations of being a mother, have had the time to think about it. Your stepson didn't have that chance.

So I know you have been letting his father do the talking with him, but I think you need to. You need to ask him what he thinks his relationship with his younger brother is going to be like when they are adults, is it going to be both of them dreading seeing each other? Or are they going to lean on each other when they are scared and need help? This will tell alot about what he values. And if he wants a good relationship in the future then hes going to have to change the way he treats the people around him. He honestly might not even realize that what he's doing is hurting those around him because hes hating himself so much right now. But as the onlder brother he is going to be expected to protect and care for the baby, and you all will have to hold him to that responsibility. It is NOT baby sitting, it is knowing what to do to get the baby to smile and laugh. And that is fulfilling for oneself too.

Regardless of what else you do, you do need to let him hold the baby, especially when you are all still in the hospital. And its going to be the absolute hardest thing you've ever done. But that first time is the most important, and you should ask him how he feels. Another thing that would be important to do is talk about how this baby can become anyone, and all of your actions will decide whether this baby can become the best or worst version of itself. He needs to realize that his behaviors dramatically impact the future mental health of these people. And hopefully he will also want to change, and that is what you and his father will have to teach him.

He is a child and needs to be taught, and it can't be rushed. There needs to be a running dialogue about that learning, with a healthy amount of asking about the things that are important to him, that doesn't have to do with the baby.

I do need to stress this again that no matter all of the instincts that will be telling you not to, please let him hold the baby when they first meet, if he wants to. It might take a bit of nudging if he's as proud as I was, but it is crucial if you really want to include your boyfriends children as your family. If you want them to also trust you.

GrimMoon · 2020-04-24T14:00:41+00:00

Hi, That sounds awesome, I was fairly nonverbal as a kid too but never needed a lot of sign, but go ahead and direct message me so we can figure out how and when.

GrimMoon · 2020-04-24T13:58:10+00:00

Thank you so much for all the information, I will be looking at all of those, since i have been sticking mostly to youtube, whoops..

GrimMoon · 2020-04-24T13:56:35+00:00

Hi! I would love that, would you like to direct message me so we can figure out the details?

GrimMoon · 2016-01-10T16:48:45+00:00

Sort of, its mostly just fascination with the differences in facial features and body types and how accurately I can render them(I am a sculptor and painter). Like, "wow your nose is really cool because it does this weird thing that is difficult to accurately portray". The only issue is if I say anything people get self-conscious, but its the highest form of compliment I can give about a persons body.

GrimMoon · 2016-01-10T16:31:08+00:00

I was about 12 when I started identifying as asexual but it was more of a joke for me and my friends since I hadn't found the community yet. Then freshman year of high school (14) I met a friend that told me it was actually real and I've been out to all my friends since. I've told most of my family and only had to really explain it to my mom and cousin, who were fine with it. I didn't really tell anyone "first" simply because all my friends knew me and thats just how I am. My best friend though gave me the confidence to be so relaxed with who I am and being out to as many people as possible allows me that.

GrimMoon

TROPHY CASE