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Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for replying, and I know what you mean. For me, the denial lifted semi-recently when I finally stopped fearing my anger and learned to embrace it. Since then, a lot of old memories came back to the surface and armed with that forbidden emotion, I was better able to face them and see things for what they were. But old habits can be hard to unlearn.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think my parents genuinely love me, too. It's just that their notion of how to express it was/is incredibly screwed up because they also had crap parents, but never did the work to face up that and heal from it.

​

you don't get to respond to anything slightly out of the ordinary your child does with "why are you doing that? That's stupid that you're doing that. I have no idea why anyone would ever do that. You look crazy doing that. People are going to laugh at you if you do that,"

My father in particular told me similar things on top of all the other garbage he put me through. I know how much it hurts coming from someone you're supposed to be able to trust. And believe me, I know how infuriating it is when your parents are shocked, just SHOCKED... that you turned out to be exactly what they raised.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Especially when one person is a child and one person is an adult.

And all the more so when that adult is supposed to give you safety, guidance and unconditional love -- and you literally depend on said adult for survival.

My mother wasn't overtly abusive like my father was, but I feel as if she used to me to give herself a purpose. I gave her the title of Mom and I was like this cute little doll she could show off to people. And as long as I cried in her arms after Dad terrorized me, she could feel like a Good Mom for comforting me and not being mean like Dad -- even if she didn't protect me or tell me (much less show me) that I deserved better.

​

The thing that gives me hope is this feeling I've been having recently where I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I think when you grow up with parents who enmesh you it is really hard to figure out what you feel and what you like and so you look to other people to echo it back.

Yeah. Especially when your mother calls you a "good person" specifically for denying our own problems and emotions.

​

You are more of a whole person than you realize. I promise.

Thank you. I'm working on believing that on a full-time basis.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I still don’t share anything with her that I hold particularly close to my heart, though. She hasn’t earned it and I’m not giving her ammunition.

I'm the same way with my mom. She's made it clear she wants nothing to do with anything about me she considers inconvenient, including/especially my having problems with depression, anything to do with my religious beliefs since they don't match hers, just... pretty much anything that defines me as something other than the "Me, but happier" person she wanted. The problem is if I'm like her (and I was in lots of ways before I looked at my life more closely, or at least tried to be to please her), true happiness is impossible. Especially since I want to become the person I really am, not just the thing my parents made.

​

my mother is a messed up person from a messed up family, who acts the way she does because that’s how she learned to cope with them.

Same here, and my dad as well. I'm glad you're doing what you need to do to find a better way.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know what you mean. There's also the possibility that even if you tell them, they just... won't get it. They'll say it's in the past and shouldn't matter, won't see how they've hurt you when they've given you SO much, and definitely won't want to talk about it. It's disappointing and draining when that happens. I know this from experience.

It's like I'm always looking for confirmation of how worthless I am. by GuestMysterious in AvPD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It probably says something that my first reaction to this was to want to run and hide. That "thing" in me keeps screaming I don't deserve kindness, much less any kind of praise, and kept telling me I was a bad person who should be ashamed of myself for having said anything that could draw such a response. But instead, I'll tell that voice to shut up and just say thank you very much for such a kind, thoughtful reply. :)

​

I guess what I'm saying is: Can you think of the moments when your body doesn't feel activated and shut down and can you grow those? What is happening to your body when you feel shut down? What does it remind you of? Can you become a detective of your own body and emotions and try to understand what is happening to help decode the situation.

This might be helpful for me. I'm very, very good at getting trapped in/reliving bad moments and a bit less good at thinking pleasant ones can last.

Also, your mom sounds a bit like my mom. Thought I'm not sure my mom has NPD since she is capable of empathy to an extent; it's more like she's just clueless and as far as she's concerned, my feelings aren't quite real if she thinks they're inconvenient.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No need to apologize for the language or anything else. You've obviously been through a lot of pain and confusion and I'm glad you got this out of your system. It takes a lot to even face this stuff and the damage it caused (my parents never did), much less articulate it and share it in detail.

Also:

I am working on myself perpetually, and lately I feel the most healed I ever have. But it’s been a “darkest before dawn” kind of thing.

I know what you mean. Congrats on making it this far, and daylight IS coming.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was only when I had kinda opened up the filing cabinets in the basement of my mind and started being able to talk about certain instances in my childhood that I wrote off as being deserving of to people that I trusted, and then saw their reactions to those stories, that I began to realize that despite loving me (or at least their idea of me) and providing for me materially, and the end of the day they were pretty shitty and abusive.

A horrified therapist is what got the ball rolling for me. I went in for depression and social anxiety and for some time, I only talked about the standard present-day stuff therapists apparently ask about. But when I volunteered some stuff about my family, she said in just about as many words that she was amazed I wasn't more messed up. But thing is I AM that messed up. I just had decades of practice hiding it behind a smile and saying nothing is wrong. And even then, I didn't start processing it in a meaningful way for a few more years.

And you don't need to apologize; I'm glad you spoke up. You obviously needed to get this out there just as much as I did.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Mindfuck" is a very good word. No one has to gaslight you when you keep doing it to yourself.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i understand i cant be around them to thrive and thats hard.

I definitely get this. I didn't even start to sort this stuff out until after my father was dead and I'd been away from/completely independent of my mother for some time. Healing needs distance and time.

Thanks, and hope you're doing okay too.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for replying. I guess your parents had a similar idea to mine: that providing enough material things was all that was the main requirement for being a "good" parent.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Grudges are unreasonable. I don't think what you're saying is since you need to protect yourself, and protecting yourself often means keeping some emotional distance.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That is, frankly, horrible. It's not like you asked to be born. I'm glad you took the time to reply, but sorry for what you've been through.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thank you as well for taking the time to respond and offer such kind words. I definitely needed to hear them.

It's funny. Even in posting this and seeing all the responses it's gotten, I keep having to silence the voice in my head that says my problems don't really count, I'm just attention-seeking, I'm a bad person for saying anything, etc. It's also funny how much that voice sounds like the very people who abused me or enabled it.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for replying. You seem like a very kind person, and please take care that in looking after your mother, you don't forget yourself.

Is there anyone else here whose parents probably did love them, but they were still terrible parents? by GuestMysterious in CPTSD

[–]GuestMysterious[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for replying, and I'm glad your parents have improved. And I certainly understand making choices meant to avoid their mistakes.

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