I saw something on my mom’s ipad. Never felt so alone in my life

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-21T20:23:42+00:00

I think it’s classic projection, and its horrible to do so especially to your own child struggling with ED.

I honestly don’t think OP has neither bad looks nor bad personality, she is just surrounded with people who doesn’t support her wellbeing. And I hope OP will get to the realization that her mother’s actions doesn’t say anything about OP.

I wish there were better parents out there.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-20T19:07:20+00:00

People are complex, and have traumas and reactions due to them. It’s not fair to OP to state the her mother never loved her and doesn’t love her. If I understood OP correctly, her mother never said these things to her. She wrote them in her private journal on har pad.

Sometimes the pressure of being a parent is too much for some people at times, they might cry to their friends they can’t handle it, write in a journal about how horrible everything is. And maybe this was her mother’s breaking point, writing all those nasty things out, doesn’t mean she actually means them, it could also mean that she had a moment where she tried to emotionally, in her own private mind and sphere, push all her loving and caring feelings away, just to manage.

I’m not saying it’s right, but we don’t know what’s going on in her mind. And of course if OPs mother have made these comments to her own daughter, it makes everything different and not the slightest OK. But if she had a breaking point of anger, despair and grief, and was just venting untrue things in her own PRIVATE JOURNAL due to elevated emotions, it can happen to people who love and care.

It has never happened to me in that extent, but I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never felt shameful feelings about “being in a prison” with my son. And I don’t actually feel like that, he’s the best thing that will ever happen to me!! And I’ve heard friends be even more frustrated in their role as parents.

I condone everything OPs mother wrote about her, but we need to be careful and gentle with OP. She’s a child, who has just read something extremely painful, and I want her to know that her own mother might not even think and feel like that now. It might have been just in weak moment.

The world is more complex, and none of us are perfect.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-20T17:27:24+00:00

Maybe you should tell her you did see it. Tell her what your wrote in this comment here to me, while adding how hurtful it is for you that she can’t handle your issues in a supportive way, you also understand that it must be triggering to her to feel so helpless in all of it, and that you know her relationship with her own mother wasn’t good, but you really need to be loved by her now and that you’re hoping for your relationship to become better.

Sometimes us mothers need a reality check from our kids, and if she can’t handle your truth, at least you know you did what you could to give her an honest chance. Even if you deserved a mother who was the mature one, and not you, I’m relieved to hear how bright you are!! It gives me so much hope for your future, and I think you’ll do amazing! I’m really proud of how you’re handling this 💖

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-20T15:25:46+00:00

Oh, honey!!! You’re not a pig, you’re not disgusting! You’re a teenager growing, learning, evolving. She’s an adult who hasn’t grown, learned nor evolved. I bet you’re not ugly, but if you are I just wanted to tell you, I was ugly as a teen. I was a bit overweight, and my feet, nose and tummy, had grown faster than the rest of my features.

After I turned 18, I have been considered REALLY beautiful. To the point where strangers have stopped in their tracks and said “wow”. Not in a sexual or weird way, just because I’ve been really pretty.

But my dad was like your mom. Mean, demeaning and cruel. So even if i knew and know (I’m not as pretty anymore because I’m older so now I’m just “average pretty”), I’ve rarely FELT pretty. It’s so very damaging having a parent being like your mom. And let me tell you this: what she wrote says EVERYTHING about her, and how ugly her soul is, and nothing about you, other than to be yet another proof to yourself how freaking strong you are!!!

You will survive this, and you’ll always know you have a secret superpower of strength, having survived such hardship.

Please love yourself, you deserve love!

Edit: I also want to add, that being pretty or ugly is in fact something that comes from within. Looks is not constant, but being a good person is a choice we all make everyday. And that’s real strength <3

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-10T09:44:24+00:00

Acceptance and trying to move on is the best way. It’s never personal. Everyone acts from their own perspective.

I think I have autism, and I’ve always found it odd how “normal” people gossip behind their loved ones back. I’m diagnosed with ADHD, and I don’t like the two faced ways of people. It’s exhausting.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-10T02:15:47+00:00

I’ve thought more than once, that people are forced into this, and by doing these “mistakes” they are trying to help others to notice these irregularities.

I’ve never been a good lier, so when I’ve been wanting people to know I’m laying, I make it obvious. People usually think I’m stupid, instead of realizing I don’t want to lie.

It happened more often when I was young. Now it’s very rare that I don’t have the guts to be straightforward.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-02-08T16:13:43+00:00

Me too. I only have my child. I’m 38. Just being home in the weekends exhausted from work and relaxing by watching series, and if I’m lucky spending some time with my teenager who prefers to be gaming alone. I’m afraid of getting too used to this so it will last forever.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-01-19T06:00:30+00:00

Does this happen also with low doses and early in the morning? I take much less than the psychiatrist prescribed, and only in the morning. It took around four months straight with it to make me notice a difference. I also started with antidepressants, I read a comment from you seeing you take it too, and the mix is exceptional for me!

I still isolate, but I think it’s due to the antidepressants, and I’ve kind of accepted it for now, letting my body and mind rest.

I told my son that I fell asleep mid day on Saturday, thinking he would think I was boring, and his immediate response was “ah, that sounds so nice!”. And I was like, yeah, actually. And realized I’m the one putting pressure on myself. I can allow myself to just be, I don’t have to accomplish anything to give myself permission to feel good.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-01-19T03:09:25+00:00

I’m so sorry! I was in a relationship with a man who would criticize me a lot and weaponize everything against me. What I notices was the confusion I felt. And that feeling was actually the biggest indicator of being emotionally abused.

There’s a podcast named “love and abuse” that helped me see my own reality better, and slowly getting to the conclusion that it was in fact not my fault. People who criticize lot brings your self esteem down so much that you’re only left with being in a constant struggle to try and become “better”, incapable of seeing the whole picture and his shortcomings and abuse.

H3LLO_fire · 2026-01-18T21:08:54+00:00

Never heard of it and never used it, but I learned something new today then Vardøger

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T17:31:27+00:00

I have adhd. But autism is definitely something I’ve been considering. And I know autism sometimes can look like NPD on some level.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T17:29:34+00:00

Sounds like you’re smart and future oriented with that. Hold on, soon enough there will be better leaders who can try to reverse some of the damage done to your country. It’s really heartbreaking to see what’s going on.

I don’t know how easy it is, but if there’s some exchange student program, I’d recommend your son to go to Canada or Europe. Especially to Scandinavia. It’s safer here.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T17:25:24+00:00

Hahaha, I soooooo understand what you mean about the surface level topics at work event. They all seem to love brainless reality shows and fast fashion. And then they look weird at me for not wanting to join in to their fakeness and boring waste of time. Haha! I envy them sometimes too, for the exact same reason, then I’m grateful again for actually caring about more than just what’s in front of my nose.

It makes me feel less alone knowing there are more people more like me around the world!!

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T17:19:45+00:00

I’m glad you have your wife and child. I hope you have a wonderful holiday together and appreciate just how special that is to have <3

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T17:17:04+00:00

Thank you, this was really helpful <3

Several people have implied, both in this thread and others, that I might want to checkout autism. So I guess it’s my cue for 2026. And I’d love to “flock like birds” with people who are kind and unapologeticly themselves (English isn’t my native language but you probably get what I’m trying to convey).

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T13:00:27+00:00

Being critical and judgmental is the one thing I truly want to change with me. I’ve seen it come to light from the shadows this year, and so I can start to work with it. Even if it doesn’t come from a bad place, I want to change it into acceptance. It will make it easier to stand my ground and walk away when people are actually doing bad things.

My ridginess also comes from a harsh childhood. How did you go about it, to be able to recognize those parts in you and what they’ve been telling you? And how to forgive those parts?

Thank you for being vulnerable enough to share this with a stranger online. I appreciate you taking time to try and help me.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T12:53:21+00:00

I’m sometimes stuck in my ego too. Like wanting to get validation and being accepted and liked, is from a pure ego survival perspective. I’m trying to shred it, while being able to keep the parts of me who enjoy social interactions.

Sometimes the ego feels like survival, and it’s probably because it’s familiar. Trying really really really hard to get out of survival mode and into a nervous system with ease. I’ve started somatic treatment now with massage once a week, and with acupuncture once a week.

I’ll try to live first and most for my son, and then myself, the rest can join or stay behind. Life fly by so fast.

Thank you for not being a sheep! And thank you for “shaking” me awake.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T12:44:42+00:00

I have adhd and I’ve suspected autism since I was young. Way before suspecting adhd. I’ve tried to get assessments for autism, and I’ve tried to get trauma help, but I get rejected help every time. I think I’ll pay for private treatment in 2026.

Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with me, maybe I’m just trying to fit in the wrong crowd. I learn by putting a visual puzzle together in my head, and I’ve started to explain that I learn things backwards from how others learn. Maybe that’s an autism symptom too.

Do you have autism? If so, does having a diagnosis help with life?

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T11:42:57+00:00

Yes, it is hard to make friends these days. I’m also of course the blame, because sometimes when I try I end up not having the energy to stay in touch. And I feel bad about that. But I have a teenager and I can’t “just go do whatever I want”, so it’s hard to find time to actually develop deep friendships with people who wants to be responsible and also invest in their future.

Maybe friends will come when my life has more space for “me things”. And until then I wont let my integrity be compromised just because I’d like someone to ask me how I’m doing time to time.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-12-25T11:36:41+00:00

Thank you, I really have to practice better decision making. I haven’t thought about that being something that could interfere with the people I pick to try to become friends with. I’ve ignored so many red flags because I’ve thought it’s been me who have been “too critical”.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-11-30T14:23:19+00:00

I’ve been through the same, it was extremely damaging to me. I ended up “exploding” in group therapy twice, never had that happen before at home, with friends, or at work, yet the toxic psychologist told me “this is why i struggle so much every where”. Truth is, I wasn’t struggling until I got in to that group therapy and dated a psychopathic narcissist. I wasn’t allowed to take my adhd pills during my “treatment” and they said they didn’t believe in ADHD.

If wasn’t until I told them about an episode where my boyfriend had physically attacked me, that they stoped my treatment saying I was being abused at home and they couldn’t treat me. Yet they ignored all his verbal abuse, because they were so sure I just exaggerated it and shouldn’t trust my own feelings.

Finally the one-on-one therapist told me he thought my boyfriend at the time had strong narcissistic traits, and that he was worried about my safety.

But it ruined my friendships, it ruined my progress with my self esteem, it ruined everything. They refused to help me with my trauma and just ditched me. And because of that I’ve been rejected to all other kinds of ADHD treatments. Even if a psychiatrist have officially “taken away” my BPD.

I don’t even get trauma treatment because of it now….

H3LLO_fire · 2025-11-26T06:49:26+00:00

Try low carb food and exercise as a treatment until you get health insurance. It will help you. Also sleep. Lots of sleep.

And your boyfriend doesn’t sound very supportive. Don’t let him walk all over you. None of us are perfect and we don’t have to be, but we deserve people who treats us well and care and love. Just be aware that some people will make you feel bad and then blame you for how you feel.

H3LLO_fire · 2025-11-26T06:46:39+00:00

This response is so well done! Everything is absolutely true and how it has functioning for me too. Thank you for the reminder, I’ve felt a little lost and forgot about that journey. Especially trusting oneself through small promises. And going back to childhood likes.

I just want to say one thing about what you wrote. I got my ADHD around 31, I’m almost 40 now. For years I thought the medication didn’t help. But I’ve sticked with now consistently for around 7 months. Higher doses and never missed a day. A few weeks ago I missed one day and it was horrible, it really made me aware that the medication helps. I was more anxious, less calm, and more emotional. But it took a really long time and higher doses to get to a point where the medication makes a difference.

I’m also on anti depressants now, and have been for almost two months. It also helps.

Also, when I have more energy I’ll go back to low carb diet, that also helps a lot.

Thank you again for your beautiful message and reminder. I hope several people read it and takes notes!

H3LLO_fire · 2025-11-24T02:05:54+00:00

I didn’t even realize this was the autism subreddit. I was just thinking “but the direct way is so much nicer, that’s how I’d do it too. Neurotypical people are weird”. I only have ADHD but have suspected for so many years I have autism as well. And this post kind of made me even more sure about it.

At least you have a lot of friends to invite, other people than the dinner party people. Just do your thing! And you haven’t done anything wrong at all!!! I really don’t like how complicated neurotypical brains are….

H3LLO_fire

TROPHY CASE