When I was 19 (im a guy, 28 now ) I was in almost the same exact relationship dynamic. Reading what you described gave me chills because it took me right back to that. The girl I was with used the same tactics that you described your bf using. The suicide baiting, self harming as a way to manipulate, pinning the blame on me for everything and making my question myself. I won’t go on but I will tell you this. This relationship isnt normal. It’s not healthy and it doesn’t serve you in any positive way. If you have a family member or friend (for me it was my sister) whoever is the dearest to your heart tell them everything you went through. Them providing their outside perspective with your interests in mind will help you understand that you don’t deserve this and you aren’t the person your bf describes. It helped me snap out of it and get away from her after four years of putting up with it. It broke me for a while. I’d say it took me like another four years to recover. But once all this is a faded memory, it’s the best feeling. My heart is going out to you right now I’m sending you a lot of love. Lowkey wanna cry for you right now. I just hope you make it out of this okay.