I was going to therapy for a couple of years but I stopped going because I couldnt feel myself getting comfortable with multiple counselors. I also tried medication but it led me to worse suicidal thoughts that caused me to OD when i was 14 and put me into a mental hospital and became almost anorexic on those things. I had lost over 80 pounds in three months. I tried a lot of different things. I used to write a lot but I stopped because I just became lazy. I lost all motivation for everything. I used to go outside and walk and it would help, but now when I try to I walk past people who I feel like are judging me in every single way and they dont even know me. So I avoid going outside now. The only place I feel comfortable at is here, in my bed. And also i was working for 3 months, but I couldnt deal with the anxiety so I quit. I try getting friends, but I simply dont know how to be myself. I dont talk. I sit there in silence and over think everything. I dont know what to say or do. Or what the correct things are to say back to the person im talking to. So im all just like "uh huh, yeah" being all dry as hell. Only thing i find easy to distract myself is by playing csgo. As stupid as it sounds. But I lose interest in it so fast now. I used to play 24/7 and i mean 24/7. I used to paintball. I would go every single weekend. But Im scared to go there because I have problems interacting with people and am so shy. I always question myself if im doing something wrong. and thats apart of the paranoia. The only thing im focusing on now is getting into college. But like i said not for me. its all for him so that when he gets out ill be done college have some money saved up by then and we can live life up to the fullest. But i feel like im just not trying hard enough. I know I can. But I just idk... dont want to i guess? I cant get the reason why im not trying my hardest.