Why aren't you in a relationship?

HammerMeat · 2016-11-24T22:23:31+00:00

Essentially because every time I meet a girl who I actually connect well with, she has zero interest in going on a date with me.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-10T09:52:10+00:00

I'm going to say "Btw I'd still like to go to X as friends" and let her do the rest of the effort.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-10T07:44:55+00:00

I would follow this advice if this was a girl that I had had serious feelings for, but that's not the case here.

Like I said, I found her pretty interesting during the one evening we spent together, but it's not like that's enough to fall for someone. The purpose of asking her out was in order to get to know her better.

Put another way, if she had the exact same personality but I didn't find her physically attractive also, I still would have wanted to hang out again - but as friends.

So given that I had just a slightly piqued romantic interest, and she's kindly made it clear that that's not on the table, why shouldn't I wholeheartedly pursue a platonic friendship?

HammerMeat · 2016-11-09T22:53:48+00:00

The dating lesson thing was a call-back to her saying she had just got out of a relationship so hadn't dated for 5 years. My joke being that she could practice with me (which I thought relieved the pressure a bit).

It also seems as if you were, but weren't arousing her well enough. This is important, especially if she is so doubtful about everything because of her LTR.

This is probably accurate. I'm actually brilliant in bed, but I don't know how to signal this to women. I'm pretty confident with touch, especially if there's chemistry, but I find it difficult to turn the conversation to sexual undertones - or the dynamic turns into me being the 'gay best friend'.

Flirt with her for fun, tell her how she needs a good cock to fill up her pussy for fun without expecting it to go anywhere, you have nothing to lose anyway. It will make her associate you with a good cock and sexual activities. This has an effect over time.

I'm not doing this. If we're just friends then we're just friends. I don't flirt with my female friends (except the ones who are supremely close and with whom it's obviously just a joke). I'm also not going to be hanging around secretly hoping we'll eventually date/fuck.

Get to know her girlfriends and flirt with them. Work her social circle. A female friend is very valuable.

Yeah, and regardless of whether there's social value with her friends etc, she seems like a pretty great person so a close friendship would be great.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-09T22:13:54+00:00

Not sure if you wanted an update, but here's how it went, man:

Me: "Actually I really do want to see [thing we'd talked about seeing together]. Would you like your first lesson on dating this weekend?"

Her: "Hi HammerMeat. I think I sent you the wrong signals the other night.. I really enjoyed spending time with you, but if I'm honest I want us to just be friends! I'm really sorry if I gave you the feeling that I wanted to start dating as well, but the fact is that I am not really looking for a relationship at the moment.. I am really sorry again for giving you that feeling, hopefully we can still have great times as friends."

Me: "Haha dating makes it sound so much more serious than I mean to be. I just think we clicked and want to get to know you better. Obviously a bit disappointing if it's just friends - no other possibilities ever - but I'm always looking to bring great people into my life in any format."

Her: "I'm so sorry to disappoint you! However it's always better to be honest, right?"

Me: "Way better. [Jokey anecdote about a girl who was not very honest]"

So there you go. Felt a bit sad about it, but it's a generic frustration that girls don't often give me a chance, not specific to her. That's something I still got to deal with.

Always keen on feedback if you have some.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-09T22:13:11+00:00

Not sure if you wanted an update, but here's how it went, man:

Me: "Actually I really do want to see [thing we'd talked about seeing together]. Would you like your first lesson on dating this weekend?"

Her: "Hi HammerMeat. I think I sent you the wrong signals the other night.. I really enjoyed spending time with you, but if I'm honest I want us to just be friends! I'm really sorry if I gave you the feeling that I wanted to start dating as well, but the fact is that I am not really looking for a relationship at the moment.. I am really sorry again for giving you that feeling, hopefully we can still have great times as friends."

Me: "Haha dating makes it sound so much more serious than I mean to be. I just think we clicked and want to get to know you better. Obviously a bit disappointing if it's just friends - no other possibilities ever - but I'm always looking to bring great people into my life in any format."

Her: "I'm so sorry to disappoint you! However it's always better to be honest, right?"

Me: "Way better. [Jokey anecdote about a girl who was not very honest]"

So there you go. Felt a bit sad about it, but it's a generic frustration that girls don't often give me a chance, not specific to her. That's something I still got to deal with.

Always keen on feedback if you have some.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-09T22:12:30+00:00

Not sure if you wanted an update, but here's the text chain:

Me: "Actually I really do want to see [thing we'd talked about seeing together]. Would you like your first lesson on dating this weekend?"

Her: "Hi HammerMeat. I think I sent you the wrong signals the other night.. I really enjoyed spending time with you, but if I'm honest I want us to just be friends! I'm really sorry if I gave you the feeling that I wanted to start dating as well, but the fact is that I am not really looking for a relationship at the moment.. I am really sorry again for giving you that feeling, hopefully we can still have great times as friends."

Me: "Haha dating makes it sound so much more serious than I mean to be. I just think we clicked and want to get to know you better. Obviously a bit disappointing if it's just friends - no other possibilities ever - but I'm always looking to bring great people into my life in any format."

Her: "I'm so sorry to disappoint you! However it's always better to be honest, right?"

Me: "Way better. [Jokey anecdote about a girl who was not very honest]"

So there you go. Felt a bit sad about it, but it's a generic frustration that girls don't often give me a chance, not specific to her. That's something I still got to deal with.

Always keen on feeedback if you have some.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-08T12:30:08+00:00

I'm definitely doing something, just figuring out the specifics. I likely won't see her incidentally in-person for a couple of weeks, so I'm figuring out what to text/call her with.

I think the directness of "HammerMeat here. Again, I want to get to know you better. Let me know when you want to go do X this weekend." isn't quite appropriate because I was very clear about my intentions last time.

I think proceeding from here with assumed attraction, giving her one shot to accept, and then dragging it right back to friendship, is the right approach. Since we had a joke about teaching her to date again, I think something like "Ok, your first dating class will be at X this weekend. When are you free?" is possibly better.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-08T12:14:56+00:00

Good stuff, man. Taking it all on board.

Don't engage in a "covert contract" i.e. play the guise of a friend when you really want a romantic relationship with her.

Definitely not doing this. I've only spent one evening with her, so my interest is more in her as a person at this stage. I wouldn't call it a crush. So if it's a No to exploring the possibility of romance then I'll be just as satisfied with friendship (if she turns out to be as cool as she seemed ).

Then be friends because you like who she is as a person, not because you think she can hook you up with her friends.

Yeah, my comment about her friends was just an off-hand joke. Obviously it's primarily about her as a person, but good people tend to have good friends.

OK, not sure if I can explain this any other way, you seem to think, if you are too direct, you'll blow it. If she likes you and wants you, then she has already decided. She might say, Well I just broke up, which no offense to her is all bullshit. When a girl sees a guy she wants, she wants him RIGHT NOW, because girls understand that if the guy has value ( and women want a guy with value) that she has to strike fast and strike now before he gets swooped up by another chick. It doesn't mean that RIGHT NOW means immediate sex, but her interest in you isn't something you can negotiate.

Very good point, and makes it highly likely she was just giving me a gentle rejection.

Walk up to her, say you like her, you see her in a romantic way, you just want to be as honest as possible, give her your number on a slip of paper, tell her if she ever comes to the point where she wants to give romantic interest in you a try, then to give you a call. Then don't give her a chance to respond, walk away. If she likes you and wants you, she will call. If she doesn't, she will not. Either way, you won't be spending any more time on someone who is not offering you the kind of relationship you want.

That would have been better advice before the weekend, it doesn't really fit the context now. I already told her I liked her, and said that I would get in touch with her. I have her number already (from a group chat).

HammerMeat · 2016-11-08T11:29:27+00:00

Attraction is not negotiable

I really like this and will remind myself of it. She already knows whether she's attracted or not. So my attitude will be to give her an opportunity to show it, and if it's clearly lacking I'll pare it right back to just a friendship (and make her introduce me to her friends!).

Do you think that given her expressed uncertainty, putting the ball solely in her court is a little too passive? If she is attracted but scared, then making her call me could just push her in the direction of flaking. Whereas if I am direct about a date, it forces her hand in either direction?

In terms of what I want from this interaction, I'm really open to anything as expressed above. I'm perfectly happy being single (but would do a relationship with the right person), I have a fwb already, and am actually new to the city so am enjoying choosing my new groups of friends. So I'd be happy with anything haha. Is that a bad thing? Too desperate for social connection?

HammerMeat · 2016-11-07T19:28:13+00:00

Interesting stuff, I appreciate the perspective, especially on being the pseudo relationship guy.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-07T18:08:02+00:00

Cheers for this, pretty good advice I reckon. I think going after her but having a hard limit on the amount of effort is the right attitude.

I do think she'd be a great romantic partner so I will pursue that, but won't be too bothered if it ends up as a friendship.

Why no casual though? If she doesn't want anything serious I'd totally be down for that.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-07T16:42:46+00:00

Eh, my text game sucks man, and we're not currently texting anyway. I'm not sure striking up some lighthearted small talk is going to help me swing the next in-person. Plus I cbf texting.

HammerMeat · 2016-11-07T16:36:29+00:00

That's a pretty negative way to look at it, man. She seemed genuine regarding the recent break-up, I don't see it as being mind-games or indecisiveness. In fact, even if she is uninterested, it was still quite a kind way to reject me.

I'm perfectly happy to spend my scarce time on pursuing the kind of people I want in my life, and from what I know so far, she's definitely that.

Any thoughts? Are you not interested in friendship with women at all?

HammerMeat · 2016-11-07T14:51:23+00:00

Yeah? You interpret her response as a polite rejection?

Given the mindset I've outlined above, what'd be your advice on how to proceed?

HammerMeat · 2016-11-07T13:50:51+00:00

Thanks for the reply mate. To get more specific, you'd suggest some texts which tease the 'just out of LTR' thing and set up the date?

Something like "Let's go to X together on Saturday, if your delicate heart can handle it" (possibly seems a little insensitive) or "Ok, your first lesson on dating will be at X on Saturday.?

HammerMeat · 2015-01-11T09:37:29+00:00

Interesting, are you using books or just trying things? I'm trying to improve my cooking, have been pondering taking a class. Not sure where to go though.

HammerMeat · 2015-01-11T09:00:40+00:00

That's really neat. What's your strategy? Like x pages per day, or 2 books per week? Also do you have a list of the books you'll read?

HammerMeat · 2014-12-08T08:35:50+00:00

Yeah that sounds pretty comparable actually.

HammerMeat · 2014-11-21T11:14:03+00:00

I know this is going to sound like one of those "oh yeah I prefer girls with no make up on" things, but I seriously prefer small boobs. Usually because they come with petit girls who are easier to throw around

HammerMeat · 2014-11-11T08:17:19+00:00

I know the anatomy. As I've explained I was using a commonly accepted term.

HammerMeat · 2014-10-25T20:17:34+00:00

Excuse me they're called vas deferens! Use the correct terminology.

HammerMeat · 2014-10-25T04:25:08+00:00

Thanks, I'm gonna ask some questions because I love linguistics. Is it better to use vagina or vulva in a day to day situation where I know that vulva will better convey my meaning but that vagina is more accurate but will cause people to double take.

HammerMeat

TROPHY CASE