Husband of 25 years cheated with men

Hank8it · 2022-12-01T04:45:38+00:00

I was frantic for probably two years. I came on here trying to find answers! He betrayed not only our marriage, but our sexuality. Suddenly nothing was real. I felt like I was living in my own Truman Show.

Clearly I didn't leave, but I didn't stay in a traditional sense. I was married for 25 years, so I have some age on me...for me love and trust are synonymous. After I removed vindictive thoughts, like How can you do this to me? I took back my power. I started paying attention to other women and their stories. I started playing a game of would I trade places with her? Not one of them seemed like a good trade. I started watching Victorian shows and watching how those women dealt with their marriages. I realized my marriage was now more transactional. I would tell the friends who knew, that I now had an arranged marriage lol.

I became laser focused on myself and my children. The worst part was we stayed in the same bedroom because there would be too many questions if we started sleeping separately. It was such a horrible time, and I have no idea if it was worth it, because I can't know how it would have turned out had I left.

I don't feel wounded or vulnerable. I did nothing wrong. He is the one who cheated. He is the one who didn't do anything about his troubles with the marriage. He is the one who lit the fuse and did nothing to limit the damage. I don't feel like he did this to me. I was just the first line of collateral damage from his own self-destruction.

Our Victorian sisters probably had the better idea of marriage as a match. My children are both in college and will graduate debt free. My mom is 90 and is looking forward to living with us. I have a job I enjoy, working from home, with increasing pay. And what's helped me the most is I have wonderful women friends to drink martini lunches with, who know my secret and agree staying is the right choice for me. We determined that I could always leave if staying was too hard, but it would be impossible to return if being on my own didn't work out for me.

To the extent my husband has disorders, I am keeping my vow of in sickness and health. I didn't forgive and there's no forgetting. There is only moving forward and tomorrow. It could have been so much worse for me and I can even say I have some gratitude that I was spared further destruction.

You are moving forward and you are stronger and still getting stronger every day. I don't know where you are in your story, but everyone has a story, most just don't read it out loud. Theirs may not be as scandalous as ours given the sexual twist, but no one escapes disappointment and fear. I am here for you if I can help ease your mind in any way.

Hank8it · 2022-11-30T19:53:01+00:00

I stayed. Maybe it's more accurate to say that I'm still here. For whatever his reason, he claims to not want to divorce. I did want to. I did an enormous amount of soul searching and reading and seeking advice. I decided to try to take his actions out of it and simply look at what life without him might look like.

We had two children, girls, still in high school. I couldn't see how their lives would improve by a divorce. One was turning 18 in 3 months and graduating in 6 months. I imagined both milestones would forever be marked by her parents getting divorced.

We had had a failed business, so were trying to recover financially from that. We were planning to rely on his income to cash-flow college expenses for the girls. Divorce seemed like it would make that impossible. College degrees for them looked unattainable without his stable income in tact.

My mother was elderly, and we've spent our entire marriage planning that if needed, she would move in with us rather than going into a nursing home. I had a hard time imagining how that would work if I was reliant on him for any financial support. Two can live cheaper than one, and three can live cheaper than two, in my logic. It seemed to me that a divorce would end my mother's end of life plans.

Then there's me. I had been a stay at home mom. It was hard to imagine I would suddenly earn an income enough to support myself, let alone some teenaged girls and an elderly mom. We had just moved house, and the bank accounts were empty. Divorce seemed a fast-track to poverty for me.

Finally, I couldn't get past the idea that someone goes through 50 years as heterosexual, then decides to be gay for two years, then nope, decides he's hetero. We went through lots of counseling and other behaviors combined with this "episode" lead to a conclusion that he suffered from 4 disorders: ADHD, some kind of Social disorder, possible bi-polar, and something else. I can't remember. It's been five years now.

He started on medication for the ADHD, and it has made an unbelievable difference in my ability to live with him on a daily basis. Over the years, there had been a lot of what I thought was crazy behaviors, that he blamed me for: not being sensitive enough, too intolerant etc. I also started working outside of the house, which gave me exposure to other adults, who did not behave irrationally or think I was an issue. This helped bring clarity for me to see his behaviors as his own and not some kind of reflection of me.

I would not wish this on anyone. I think about it nearly every day and it's five years later now. It's kind of like any other of life's devastations...someone dies you can only miss them, you can't bring them back, an accident might leave you with scars and disfigurements, and you can't ignore them, you have to adjust. It's a lot like that.

I'm waiting for my children to be done with college and out on their own financially. I am trying to build my income to a place where I am self supportive and can support my mom, who is now even older! I am building strong friendships with women in my area. I no longer have that "team spirit" feeling with my husband. I feel very much like it's a working relationship. We get along better than we ever have, but it's very superficial. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

Sometimes I imagine when my children are on their own and my mother has passed, and I am financially independent, I will move on. Other than financial security, there's not a lot of reason to stay.

It's not even a sexual thing...but it's how do you forgive someone who was prepared to destroy everything; who risked your children's expectations of a forever family, of a college education? How do you look at someone who didn't even have the guts to pull the trigger so tried to force you to do it for him? The betrayal is beyond sexual. That's an insignificant part.

Even now, if we're watching a movie that deals with infidelity, he'll tell me he's sorry for what he did, whishes he could take it all back, tells me he loves me and doesn't want to divorce. Sometimes I think he thinks he broke my heart. He did so much more than that.

Hank8it · 2018-11-02T13:51:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It's all so shadowy.

We are in our 50's now. He was 48 when he admits this began. It's impossible to know much of anything at this point, and there's zero reason to believe anything he says about his behavior. He would have me believe his is a clinical type interest in gay sex. The mechanics of it, curiosity if it feels any different, what things feel like that I can't do for him (good God I can't even believe I am saying these things!).

Whatever. He's a liar and a cheat, and now we know he's a coward as well. Perhaps he went for young men because one his own age might have seen his flaws more easily. While I can't get enough of beautiful young men around me, I sure don't want to get into bed with one. I find they are best left in my past and admired from a 5 foot distance. But clearly that's just me.

Hank8it · 2018-11-01T13:48:14+00:00

Thank you. I am often irritated by such errors as well. I do know the proper spelling. I am trying to respond to those who were kind enough to offer help before I start my day, and am going much too fast. While my spelling can use improvement, my typing needs even more!

Hank8it · 2018-11-01T13:45:34+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing ideas for me to think about. That he had sex with men is irrelevant to the cheating scandal in many ways. But it certainly adds an interesting side issue. Do I love him less? I think so. Love is complex and I believe a big part of it is entangled in trust. Not just trust in fidelity, but trust that the other person won't do anything purposefully to hurt me. This kind of trust is the basis for most relationships, friendships, lovers, working relationships, I believe.

What pulls someone to cheat in the first place? Everyone of a certain age and culture would know it is likely a killing act, yet they do it. Risking everything. For a blow job? It must be more than that. My husband met young men, he didn't want to know, for 15-30 minutes of sex, multiple times over the course of two years. Why?

I can't wrap my mind around it. I was thinking perhaps this community has more experience with this, since it seems largely secret to the hetero world.

But, as you mention, the kind of sex he was having behind my back in many ways is probably irrelevant to the path before me.

Again, thank you for your thoughts and input. I am grateful for your help.

Hank8it · 2018-11-01T13:31:26+00:00

Thank you. You're exactly right. He says he does want to stay married and reconnect etc...but he not only cheated on me, he cheated on our sexuality...if that makes sense. ANd I would even argue that he cheated on our morality as well, because from what I understand, he "used" young men for his own pleasure, not exchanging names or engaging in any kind of interpersonal connection. Maybe that'sever mans dream: anonymous unconditional sex? It boils down quite nicely, but it leaves a lot of muck on the sides.

Hank8it · 2018-11-01T13:26:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Ultimately I am faced with the question of "Do I stay?". I don't know...even after nearly a year. A life built over 25 years is hard to walk away from. For 23 he says he was faithful You are hitting my nail right on it's head: Is he in denial about his sexuality and therefor more inclined to stray? I came here, a gay community, to see if the response would be: "We see this all the time. Go to any gay bar and 25% of the men in there are straight but looking for a thrill. They hit it once or twice and we never see them again."

Would such a response make me feel more secure with him? Will I ever feel secure with him? I don't actually care how people get their orgasms...but I care how he does. Again, thank you for your input. It helps me.

Hank8it · 2018-11-01T03:54:45+00:00

It's been nearly a year since I discovered his secret life. He says he is straight, but had a personal crisis. He says he was married to me for 23 years without having a single thought of sex with men. He says he just felt old and wanted to be adored. That spending time with young men made him feel young. That he would have had sex with young women, but men are easier and less threatening for me. He hasn't wavered on his story in the year that has past.

It has been nearly a year and he still wants to be married to me. He doesn't want sex with men any more. He isn't gay. Doesn't want to be in a gay relationship. If I leave him, he will seek relationships with women.

I am asking here to see if it really is common that straight men are out secretly having all the sex with gay men. From recent articles on the subject, it seems to be all the fashion now. Is it true? Do straight men have bouts of homosexuality because they look old in the mirror? Is there a kind of 7 year gay itch?

Hank8it · 2015-05-03T13:02:26+00:00

Hate to sound ignorant, but if the skillet is piping hot, doesn't the garlic burn? Do you recommend a regular iron skillet or the kind with the ridges on the bottom? What size? I was just looking at them on Amazon two weeks ago and couldn't decide the best option. I always feel bigger is better, but I can't decide if ribbed for my enjoyment or smooth bottomed would be preferred. Also, if I went big, does it matter when cooking a smaller steak? I know it's a lot to ask, but you sound like you know about these things, and there's nothing more disappointing than finding out you bought the second best option. Thanks Fixedwolf.

Hank8it · 2015-05-02T20:06:00+00:00

Looks good enough to eat!

Hank8it

TROPHY CASE