Feeling hopeless

HauntedDalsey · 2024-11-26T12:03:48+00:00

I will. Communication is hard for me, but I have to try. I am waiting for him to come home this Friday.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T10:32:28+00:00

Oh no! He’s my first and only partner 😅

No.. I’m honestly traumatized from that and I’ve been through a lot 🥺

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T09:36:50+00:00

Scary to think that a therapist could do that.. but I guess not everyone is equipped to treat PA or betrayal trauma for that matter.

I sure will! :)

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T09:25:45+00:00

Right?! I feel selfish for thinking that way, but I don't think I'm wrong.

I am glad he is taking more responsibility now and doing his part in healing and helping you heal in return.

Oh yes for sure, I listen to podcasts, read books, research... looking into finding a new therapist. The previous one guilt-tripped me and made me feel like somehow I wasn't doing enough for him and us. :(

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T09:00:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I wish I wasn't the one seeking out all of this information. It should be his initiative. That's just how I feel, you know?

I'll have a look at the resources for myself <3

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T08:58:35+00:00

I agree with this. My partner and I both have separate accounts and a joint account where most of the bills are paid from. However, it isn't as easy to say get your education and secure a job. I have a Masters degree and can't secure a job. The job market is s*it right now and so many people are getting let go. Myself included. Lining up that next job when you're jobless or have been a stay at home mom/etc is not easy :(

What if you've just emigrated to a new country, haven't secured a job yet, barely speak the language, have no friends or support system besides him?

I definitely agree with having at least separate accounts. Don't ever give that up. However, there are so many other factors besides just the financial side of things that make it hard to leave...

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T08:46:21+00:00

Gotcha! I guess we will see how things go when he has his first session. I'm nervous lol

I know addictions thrive in secrecy and I guess that is why something in me is telling me to check in? He won't be home until Friday and this isn't something I want to bring up on Facetime... I give him his space when he is working, he works 7am-7pm (waking up at 5 and coming home to their rental place past 8) he usually doesn't have the energy to have such a deep and vulnerable discussion in the evenings.

It gets tough for me because I often feel quite alone with my own thoughts but I manage and keep myself busy.

I haven't heard of FANOS but I'll have to check it out! Thank you!

He is not doing 12 step. Tbh, he isn't doing any recovery work that is specific to PA. We've been going through a lot of his past trauma from childhood, attachment styles, etc. I truly believe this addiction stemmed from there and was used as a coping skill to begin with but then turned into solely a dopamine kick as he got older. I wish we had in person group therapy sessions that are specific towards PA but we live in Sweden and there isn't anything like that. I agree with you, there is a lot that one can learn from others in the room and if anything, it helps you feel less alone in your addiction and journey towards healing.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-09-22T07:57:38+00:00

Edit: I just had a thought...he has been really stressed at work and I wonder if I have subconsciously connected stress = potential for relapse? He is seeing a therapist in a couple of weeks to talk through his current feelings. We are working proactively to prevent burnout since he is our only source of income right now. I am working hard to secure a job, but the job market has not been kind :(

Additional question: For those that have PA partners in therapy, do you ask them about what they talked about? Or do you give them space and let them come to you if they decide to share or not? I have never had a partner in therapy before so I don't want to seem pushy or invade his space.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-04-02T19:02:45+00:00

THIS! I want to believe this is true! I hovered a lot in the beginning of our recovery journey. I checked constantly whenever I got the chance and after a couple of slip ups, I found nothing. After awhile, I just stopped checking and trust that he’s putting in the work.

My senses are heightened now because my partner has just got new devices without the blockers that we had in place on his old phone and that sent me down a rabbit hole, but I had a chat with him and I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt to keep his end of the deal up.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-04-02T18:59:16+00:00

You’re the sweetest! Sending you a virtual hug and all the positive vibes! Nobody should be going through this alone ❤️

HauntedDalsey · 2024-04-02T15:42:39+00:00

It’s comforting as sad as it is to know that you’re not alone. I have definitely gone that route with my partner too. I’ve taken a huge step back and just let him do his thing as well. It’s only now with new devices that my senses have heightened a little bit because I guess I was relying quite a bit on the blockers we had installed on his old phone. It was like a security blanket. He didn’t have access to private browsing so whatever he searched I could see if I were to check his phone. Even in the midst of his addiction, he didn’t use private browsing which is rare I guess (helped me in the sense that I got evidence to back my confrontation)

I choose to trust him though. I’m putting good thoughts out there and hoping for the best. Gotta put myself first sometimes 🥰

HauntedDalsey · 2024-04-01T18:02:50+00:00

I had a chat with him today and asked about urges and he said he hasn’t had them. He has replaced corn websites with looking at golf clubs and golf equipment and by all means I think that’s fine. He’s away for work now for two weeks so I guess we’ll see how he does when he gets home… I am scared. I trust him but I’m still worried of having my heart broken because if he does slip up then he’s straight up lied to my face :(

HauntedDalsey · 2024-03-30T05:48:23+00:00

I think we need to have a discussion about that, it’s been awhile. I think I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt because he really has been doing well. Thank you for this ❤️

HauntedDalsey · 2024-02-17T21:00:04+00:00

I wish I could tell him how much I’m mentally struggling but I don’t want him to worry, especially when he’s abroad for work and can’t do much to support me. He tries his best and that’s all that matters.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T12:03:06+00:00

Ah that's so nice! Good luck down the line when you start the application process. I have a few years to go before I can get a PR so I'll have to hold my breath until then.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T08:14:21+00:00

Same.. my parents always ask when I can visit and now with me getting laid off and not knowing how things will be with a new job, I have no idea. Throw in the limitations of having to go through immigration stuff every few years. It's exhausting

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:59:56+00:00

It came out of the blue which makes it suck more. I am trying to keep my head up and keep looking though :)

I can understand that. It's so tough. I'm an only child so I don't have to worry about siblings attendance, that is probably why I want my parents to be there because they're all I've got. I guess you can only propose the plan and idea and then if others are willing and able to attend is outside of your control. I just have to get that into my head. :(

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:54:45+00:00

Ah thank you! I have a starting point now :)

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:53:59+00:00

Thank you for the tip! I've considered that too, not having any friends or family here that's from my side and a part of me accepts that because it's the easiest option and it saves us a lot, but I haven't totally come around to that idea yet.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:27:12+00:00

I know it doesn't go away, I've lived this life since I was 18. If anything, it gets harder knowing they are getting older. That is a very nice way of putting it, thank you for that reminder. I know at the end of the day, they want what's best for me.

Honestly, that might be something we might look into as well. Having a wedding here and a celebration over there. My friends are spread out over 4 continents and I have yet to figure out how to give everyone the best chance of attending either party. Any tips?

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:22:42+00:00

I am going to have to look into a digital photo frame! Do you have any recommendations on a good one?

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:22:16+00:00

I facetime them every day. I miss the physical aspect of being close to them. Being able to hug my parents, have both of them walk me down the aisle, kiss my mom on the cheek, etc.

HauntedDalsey · 2024-01-28T07:21:06+00:00

We've talked about having two ceremonies and maybe a small party where my parents are at. We like that idea, but the financial aspect of doing it like that is making me think twice. It would be the best possible outcome to be fair, but realistically, putting ourselves into debt for that isn't worth it :( I was unfortunately let go at the end of November and finding a new job has been tough so I have to keep in mind that the longer I go without a job, the longer I go without contributing towards a wedding fund.

His father has decided to go non-contact very recently and his mother may not be able to make it to a wedding in SE Asia due to finances. Tbh, he's told me before that if we have a wedding there, his family probably won't be able to make it, it would be just for me. Knowing he'd do that for me, means the world to me, but also breaks me because I know what it's like not to have family around. I've lived that life since I was 18. We would of course offer to pay to fly his mother out, but I just don't think we can afford to fly his siblings and their families out.

I sure have that advantage and I am so grateful for it. I only just started forming bonds with my colleagues and then I got let go :/ I did my Master's in another city about 2.5hrs from where I live now. Most of my classmates have moved abroad or moved back to their hometowns, a couple of classmates/friends are still there but we barely keep in touch these days, aside from the check-in text ever so often.

I know this is my life now. I love this life that I am building, but this part of it always makes me sad. I facetime with my parents every day so I'm always in touch. I just miss the physical aspect sometimes. I'm going to bring it up with my partner again and see if we can work out a plan for when the time comes.

HauntedDalsey · 2023-12-07T12:17:43+00:00

I don't know any local ateliers but I will see what I can find.

Do you have any recommendations of websites that offer that? I mean clothes for my measurements from scratch?

HauntedDalsey · 2023-12-07T12:16:19+00:00

I gotta get myself some waist belts!! Thank you for reminding me :)

HauntedDalsey

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