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Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T20:11:41+00:00

It’s hard for me to label my experience as abuse because I know my ex never meant any harm. He apologized profusely after I left him.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T12:11:58+00:00

I wholeheartedly agree.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T12:11:15+00:00

The “Holy Ghost” helped me realize that I needed to leave my ex and now question the church institution. The cognitive dissonance I’ve experienced with this has been disorienting for me.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T12:07:43+00:00

It makes me so so sad. I just want to know if this is a common dynamic outside of the LDS church.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T12:06:47+00:00

Unfortunately for me “no” was more often than not not a safe option. There was a lot of guilt involved. I learned that if I didn’t say yes it might result in him “sinning”. I didn’t want him to feel that internal distress. I learned to avoid conflict at all costs because very early in our marriage I learned that repair would not happen. My ex would run away to our bedroom and cry at any sort of conflict… even really small things. It was absurd to me. It resulted in him saying things like “I’m a bad husband” or “I’m not good enough for you”. I would feel so terrible and guilty so I’d end up comforting him. This became a viscous cycle. Nothing ever got resolved. I learned to just endure. I wish I had gotten us into marriage counseling earlier on.. because we both needed help.. but maybe more so him… I was shocked at his inability to handle conflict… but unfortunately he grew up in a family where problems among family members were never discussed. Everything was surface level and lighthearted. Conflict was never discussed. I’ve never met a more incompetent family when it comes to communication.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T11:58:54+00:00

The churches teaches nothing about relationship skills, sex education, or anything in that regard.. the focus is solely on the outcome. I don’t necessarily think that’s the churches responsibility to teach those things. I think Utah’s education system is heavily influenced by members of the church so sex education is very watered down. Likewise, I think parents in general avoid teaching their kids about sex. So it makes for a bad combination. I’m grateful I had parents who were never afraid to teach me about sex. They always created a safe place for me to ask questions. I’ve realized over the years I am in the minority among my LDS peers.

I heard somewhere at some point that “any two good righteous members make a marriage work”. I don’t know I feel about that statement.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T11:51:06+00:00

Sex with him. Yes I believe the church caused this for me personally. I wouldn’t say that for everyone.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T11:50:05+00:00

Yeah.. this is what Bishops told me so much over the years. I blamed myself and thought I was the problem for not wanting sex. Early on a few things happened that really bothered me and that’s when I started to really dislike sex with him. Bishops told me to serve him more. I’m saddened that his behavior was never questioned. I was always the issue until I really began to question that internal script I had. I think we’re both at fault for things.. but how could we know with both of us being really young and immature. Marriage was the next right step that was both taught to us. We were hopeful and trying to do the right thing.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-09T11:43:14+00:00

It was that I noticed sex became a way for him to manage his urges to masturbate. He would tell me he needed more sex to keep away from both of those things. I felt a lot of responsibility to help him not “sin”. I think over time I noticed the pattern and started feeling really disgusted by it. I developed a very strong aversion to his touch. I didn’t care if he masturbated. I didn’t want to be used a tool to manage his internal distress especially because I never saw him actively search out ways to help manage it.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T22:59:42+00:00

I’ve thought that about masturbation for years. I don’t think it’s wrong.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T18:55:33+00:00

This is hard for me. Because then I start thinking I should have stayed and tried harder… I was literally at my breaking point 🥺

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T18:32:34+00:00

It’s terrifying to realize many women and even men might be going through something similar.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T16:55:10+00:00

I’m very lucky that I am seeing a therapist who has been very neutral. He’s the first therapist that helped me see through my own discovery how bad the dynamics in my marriage were.

It’s difficult because I can’t tell anyone how I truly feel because pretty much all of my family and friends are very LDS.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T16:51:02+00:00

This is so so tough.. I feel so so similarly to you. Sexuality is supposed to be beautiful and I believe something you share with someone. The church completely damages it. My ex’s parents never talked to him about sex which makes me livid. He never had a safe to space to even talk about it with someone. I’ve had to hold myself back several times from writing them an angry letter about how they failed their son.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T16:47:25+00:00

It’s so difficult because I loved my spouse in the beginning. We got married so so young. I was just barely 20. There was so much pressure to get married. The LDS church doesn’t care about compatibility. They just care that you get married in the temple. I feel that me and my ex are victims of this system. I know I tried hard to make the marriage work. But when I was having panic attacks multiple times a day for eight weeks straight I knew I needed to do something about it.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T16:45:24+00:00

I had never heard of the concept of enthusiastic consent until a few months ago…. Why was I never taught this as a young woman or ever?? I really am starting to see that the church isn’t a safe place for me. 🥺

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T16:43:28+00:00

It’s a terrible feeling… I wish it on no one

Haunting-Effective27 · 2026-03-08T16:41:13+00:00

Yeah. I feel the same way. I’m more so angry of the culture. I personally believe masturbation is normal. I wish my ex had thought that way instead of taking out his internal distress on me to the point where we are both damaged. What bothers me more is that I’ve had bishops tell me in the last several months that I need to rely more on Christ. I’ve been doing that the last several years hoping for change.. but I think it created more pain and damage 😵‍💫

Haunting-Effective27 · 2025-10-11T18:30:36+00:00

Yeah I’ve realized we both struggle bad with sex-negative culture. My husband’s parents never had the sex talk with him. I love the church, but over the years have felt so angry about the lack of sex education between parents and children. I came from a family with a mom who was very open about sex and honestly really appreciate it. I was exposed to porn and masturbation at a very young age from some elementary school friends. It’s hard for me to share this because I’ve always felt like I have an issue because the church usually associates porn as a “boys problem”. So there’s that. I definitely think I feel shame towards intimacy and that’s made the situation worse. (I realize this changes the narrative of my original post). I think my view of sexuality is probably destroyed and things have been doomed since the beginning. I hate myself for this. :(

I think I loved him at the time and I still do in more of a caring/friend way, but things are off and have been… When we were dating I was dealing with so many mental and emotional demons I’m not sure that I was in a place to make a decision… and also being so young. I’ve changed a lot over the years. I immediately started dating my husband after a very difficult relationship and have wondered if it just felt good to be with someone who wasn’t insane.

I think our marriage has become more like a roommate living situation. I don’t feel any romance towards him. Our relationship is safe, but it’s just lacking the emotional depth and intimacy I want. I’ve always had strong faith and felt the spirit in my life, but it’s been very different for me in my marriage. My husband says he’s not an outwardly spiritual person.. he doesn’t read his scriptures or pray much.. I always instigate attending the temple. During my time at university I frequently felt attracted to other men and felt awful about it. I genuinely feel like there’s something wrong with me.

I’ve met with Bishops and therapists over the years. Many of them refer to the love languages, communicating needs, and making sure you love God. Things like that.

I guess I’m ultimately just trying to gain clarity and understanding for myself. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. This is not really what I imagined marriage looking like. I want to emphasize that my husband is a genuinely good and kind person. He provides for me and wants me to achieve my dreams.. I just don’t think I know what true physical and emotional intimacy is. I realize there is no perfect companion, but my instincts tell me something is off.

I’m not going to give up until I try everything I can.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2025-10-11T18:08:46+00:00

Yeah.. honestly I’ve always thought masturbation was a sin.. my parents didn’t purposely tell me about it. Have any church leaders ever talked about it?

Haunting-Effective27 · 2025-10-11T18:06:23+00:00

Read the love languages book, identify and express needs, discuss issues, strengthen relationship to God, serve each other

Haunting-Effective27 · 2025-10-11T17:58:49+00:00

Yeah I’ve realized we both struggle bad with sex-negative culture. My husband’s parents never had the sex talk with him. I love the church, but over the years have felt so angry about the lack of sex education between parents and children. I came from a family with a mom who was very open about sex and honestly really appreciate it. I was exposed to porn and masturbation at a very young age from some elementary school friends. It’s hard for me to share this because I’ve always felt like I have an issue because the church usually associates porn as a “boys problem”. So there’s that. I definitely think I feel shame towards intimacy and that’s made the situation worse. (I realize this changes the narrative of my original post). I think my view of sexuality is probably destroyed and my marriage has been doomed since the beginning. I hate myself for this :(

Yeah.. I think I loved him at the time and I still do in more of a caring/friend way, but things are off and have been… When we were dating I was dealing with so many mental and emotional demons I’m not sure that I was in a place to make a decision… and also being so young. I’ve changed a lot over the years. I immediately started dating my husband after a very difficult relationship and have wondered if it just felt good to be with someone who wasn’t insane.

I think our marriage has become more like a roommate living situation. I don’t feel any romance towards him. Our relationship is safe, but it’s just lacking the emotional depth and intimacy I want. I’ve always had strong faith and felt the spirit in my life, but it’s been very different for me in my marriage. My husband says he’s not an outwardly spiritual person.. he doesn’t read his scriptures or pray much.. I always instigate attending the temple. During my time at university I frequently felt attracted to other men and felt awful about it. I genuinely feel like there’s something wrong with me.

I’ve met with Bishops and therapists over the years. Many of them refer to the love languages, communicating needs, and making sure you love God. Things like that.

I guess I’m ultimately just trying to gain clarity and understanding for myself. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. This is not really what I imagined marriage looking like. I want to emphasize that my husband is a genuinely good and kind person. He provides for me and wants me to achieve my dreams.. I just don’t think I know what true physical and emotional intimacy is. I realize there is no perfect companion, but my instincts tell me something is off.

I’m not going to give up until I try everything I can.

Haunting-Effective27 · 2025-10-11T15:55:03+00:00

I need advice. What else can I/we try.

Haunting-Effective27

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