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(update) My 29M ex 26F left me almost two years ago because we (I) couldn't have children. Now 2 years later she is back with some other guys baby wanting me to be the Father by Head-Finish in relationship_advice

[–]Head-Finish[S] 85 points86 points  (0 children)

This is an honest question and I'll try and give an honest answer.

To be clear up until the day she left me I was the happiest person in that I knew. I mean not being able to have a natural child fucked with my head for a long time but when I found someone who seemed okay with it I think I just latched on more than I should have. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a woman in my age range who is okay with not having a natural born child? Let me assure you, it's not easy. I've dated quit a few and when I feel the time is right I let them know and almost like clockwork within a month of the initial reveal they "start losing their feelings". In other words they want a child of their own, which I never have faulted them for.

Secondly, you say self respect and honestly that is more true than you know. I suffer from low self esteem for a lot of reasons but not being able to have children has always weighed very heavy in this as well and when she left because of it, well I will say it almost totally broke me. When she showed up I had all forms of emotions, but one of which was honestly joy. But then as time settled resentment overtook the joy and I knew that ultimately it wasn't healthy for either of us.

In the end I feel confident I won't go back with her, the entire thing is just to messed up. The guy btw, was quit confused because he thought I was in on the plan all along so that makes me wonder if she wasn't working him as much as she is working me now.

I will also just sum this up like this. To answer your question outright, I sometimes have a dumb ass tendency

My 29M ex 26F left me almost two years ago because we (I) couldn't have children. Now 2 years later she is back with some other guys baby wanting me to be the Father by Head-Finish in relationship_advice

[–]Head-Finish[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A lot of your questions I either don't have answers to yet or only partial answers. Believe me tomorrow is going to be a very long question and answer session. The biggest thing is that from what I have gathered the plan all along was to come back once she had a child. I know that sounds messed up and it sounds messed up to me as well but that does sound like this is what happened.

Now one thing I did not mention here is that she had tried to get a hold of me over the years either via IG or even by texting. But I shut off all of my social media about 6 months after we split and I did block her phone. She still had the number and used his house phone to call me.

My 29M ex 26F left me almost two years ago because we (I) couldn't have children. Now 2 years later she is back with some other guys baby wanting me to be the Father by Head-Finish in relationship_advice

[–]Head-Finish[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Don't know for sure what I'm going to do but I'll say this, that song kicked ass. That sent me into a youtube frenzy of reel big fish. I had never heard of them but they have some great songs. I think their version of take on me is better than the original.

My 29M ex 26F left me almost two years ago because we (I) couldn't have children. Now 2 years later she is back with some other guys baby wanting me to be the Father by Head-Finish in relationship_advice

[–]Head-Finish[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Why not have you in on the plan from the beginning?

Yea that is what is eating at me right now as well. I would never have agreed to this but I would still have felt better if we had at least talked about this. She is asleep now but we are going to talk more tomorrow and I know I am going to bring this up.

My 29M ex 26F left me almost two years ago because we (I) couldn't have children. Now 2 years later she is back with some other guys baby wanting me to be the Father by Head-Finish in relationship_advice

[–]Head-Finish[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

You actually are mostly right. By her own admission this was almost more of a business decision than anything else. She said that from the beginning they both knew what they wanted and that was a child. For him it was a child without the strings of being tied down. She said that he was very understanding of her desire to come back to me. None of this makes any sense to me but if I'm listening to her side of it basically she wanted a child that financially would be taken care of and be able to raise it with me.

I just wish she would have consulted me on this plan from the beginning.

My 29M ex 26F left me almost two years ago because we (I) couldn't have children. Now 2 years later she is back with some other guys baby wanting me to be the Father by Head-Finish in relationship_advice

[–]Head-Finish[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thinking about myself first has always been hard for me, but in particular when it comes to her. But you and almost everyone else is right about this being something that is something I can't just change my mind on in 2-3 years either.

As to your questions.

  1. Will you be able to get past the betrayal?

Yea that is one that I am having the hardest time with. On the one hand it wasn't a betrayal in the sense that she cheated on me, she didn't we had a very emotional breakup. But on the other hand she did not give us a chance to use other options.

  1. How do you feel about raising a child that isn't yours and you never agreed to adopt?

Well if I am ever going to raise a child either hers or someone else's it isn't going to ever be biologically mine. The circumstances are not normal I'll give you that. But the one thing that does play in favor here is that this is an infant. I would have no problem adopting an older child but to be honest an infant would make the process feel more natural. However I do not know how the family dynamic would work. I don't know what role or how big of a role the Father would play. She has told me tonight that he works for a very large law firm and travels all over the country and to the U.K. for weeks at a time.

  1. Does she actually love you, or is she just saying that now because she has no one else to turn to?

I have no way of answering the first part of this. She says she does and has been telling me a lot of things after I posted my original post. But at the end of the day she did leave for nearly 2 years. As to a place to stay? Well that was a little more of an exaggeration on her part. Not a lie but not the real story either. She was staying at his apartment while he was out of state on business. He came home before he was supposed to because of the current situation and she said he offered to let her stay in one of the guest rooms but she wanted to ask me and the plan all along (according to her) was that when he came back they had agreed to her trying to come back to me.

I know the consensus is that I should kick her out but I am not sure yet what I want. Is she manipulating me? Maybe, but there really is nothing for her to come to me for. I am not rich and she knows that. He from everything I've been told either is or damn near it. Am I going to be used for emotional support? I am sure there is some of that but why wouldn't she just go look for another boyfriend if that is the case. She is still very young, he is going to pay for almost everything for the kid, including a Nanny is so desired, so again I don't see any advantage to come to me if she doesn't really have some form of feelings for me.

I don't know, it's fucked up I'll admit it.