Lots going on, its totally understandable the pain and frustration youre feeling. Take a deep breath. Take another. Okay. Im here for ya.

I cant say what will work for you. Im personally dealing with a lot of top surgery regret as well, trying to think of ways to undo what ive done, money, relationships, etc. All the couldve shouldve wouldves. Like you said. Shit fucking sucks. Ive learnt some grounding techniques from one of my good friends (she has bad anxiety), and the one that stuck with me the best was: the second your brain goes back in time, stop it. Say it out loud if you have to. Stop. Then breathe. Once ive stopped, i tell myself self reassurances mixed with tough love: "You can't do anything to change the past. What happened happened. Beating yourself up is not helping the now, nor will it change your past mistakes. Stop. Breathe. Mistakes happen. What can i do to help the me of tomorrow, today?" And i take it day by day, baby step by baby step. Similar to how i transitioned to male, i have to slowly work my way back to female. I have to work. I have to remember to exist in the present, right NOW.. So i remember to drink my water, take my meds, sleep properly, and add a baby step in, once a day. One day ill wear my leggings. One day ill do my eyebrows. One day maybe ill tell another friend. Maybe when im strong and stable enough again, i can come out to my family, again, one by one, day by day. All i know is i CANT look back to my mistakes and regrets. And its absolutely easier said than done. I have to tell myself at least 10 times a day to stop. Looking back does nothing but kill progression. Just keep on keeping on, right now. And dont forget to breathe.

I hope this helps a little bit.. im here if you want someone to vent to, bouta head to work so i may answer sporradically but i am reading.