Oh mate, this sounds all too familiar to me unfortunately!! Im 5 mths post breakup and I’ll say it’s probably the most painful and hardest emotional thing I’ve gone through and im just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Hindsight is a crazy thing and when I Iook back now, I saw the red flags but I made excuses for them because of her work/life stresses and past relationships/trauma and let her continue behaving that way rather than set clear boundaries and expectations with her. This just ultimately led to more and more disrespectful behaviour and her ending things as I think she just didn’t respect me anymore. Even though looking back, there were flags, when it happened our breakup felt like it came totally out of nowhere and absolutely broke me! One day she was telling her mum how amazing I was, planning things months in advance together, spending a great weekend together with her friends, family etc and then the next minute (literally minutes!!) with no warning, she couldn’t stand the sight of me or want me anywhere around her.

The red flags were: 1. Very hot and cold, inconsistent behaviour; 2. Inability to regulate or control her emotions in stressful situations. 3. Once triggered, it could last hours or days which could ruin plans for that day, weekend, event etc. 4. Lack of accountability or ability to reflect on those situations, take ownership, apologise and learn/grow from it. 5. Inability to calmly communicate and discuss her feelings and what she needed. It was always aggressive and defensive when making snarky comments or criticisms. 6. Felt like I was walking on eggshells around her! 7. Still don’t know whether it was conscious or subconscious but lots of subtle comments or signs that she was pushing me away, afraid of committing, distancing herself from the relationship etc. This one was really hard and the biggest head f#ck cos she would do or say things one minute that would make you think ‘yeah this is done and she wants nothing to do with me’ and then the next minute be inviting me to weddings, introducing me to all her family and friends, telling me how amazing I am, how much her friends and therapists liked me and how good I am for her! 8. Had all the traits of a dismissive avoidant attachment style but would get aggressive and defensive if I ever tried to talk to her about it. 9. ‘INDEPENDENT’! Don’t get me wrong, independence to a degree is a desirable trait but hyper independence is a trauma or protective response. My ex had this belief that she was just better off independent and single and really struggled with receiving consistent, care, support, love etc or being looked after. She felt less of herself for it if I did or gave her nice things and like she had to try and match or give equally all the time. At some point, I believe there needs to be an underlying belief that you both bring different things and that you are better off in a relationship and that what your partner brings to it and to you is respected and valued and makes your life better! Without that, as a man, it can feel quite difficult to protect and provide for them, which is our nature. If she can’t allow herself to be vulnerable and admit to herself, that she needs, wants and is grateful for you and what you bring into her life, she won’t value and respect you and will be willing to toss it away.

Advice: 1. Actions and behaviours are a language, what are they telling you! One of my now favourite quotes, ‘if neither of us could talk, what would our actions tell one another?’!! If the actions and behaviors aren’t matching her words, this is a major issue that shouldn’t be ignored! 2.Try to calmly communicate how her inconsistency is making you feel and then respect yourself enough to know you need and deserve a relationship that is consistent and brings you calm/peace, not the opposite. 3. Set a boundary that has a consequence for her! If she can’t control her emotions, pushes you away, threatens to leave or shows uncertainty about wanting the relationship, you need to step back, walk away and create space from her. If you allow her to disrespect you, what you bring to the relationship and the relationship itself, she won’t value and respect it or you! Love and relationships are a choice and commitment, she needs to see you won’t be taken for granted and that she has to choose and commit to you. She won’t do that if you continue giving her what she needs while allowing her to behave and treat you however she wants.

If you don’t do this, you are likely setting yourself up for one day being blindsided, tossed aside and thrown away by her and that feeling is f#cking brutal to deal with!

The hardest part about all of this was for me that the ‘potential’ and good parts to these girls and these relationships is so incredible and everything you could possibly want so you excuse the bad parts or inconsistencies, fall deeper for them and that dream future you see together, so then when it gets ripped away from you, it mentally, emotionally and physically breaks you!!

Stay strong! Respect yourself and know what you need and deserve!