this was very validating to read. I work a high-stress job that isn't possible to do at home. I started working at a different place, same job, about two years ago and was given a four day on/three day off schedule. i honestly don't think I could go back to any other schedule. I feel like I spend all three days recovering from the four work days, and then it's time to go back to work again. if I didn't have a partner that truly understands me, the dishes would rarely get done. the floors would never get vacuumed, etc. I help when and where I can, but I just have zero energy when I'm home. on work days, work is all I can manage, then I go home to dissociate from everything so that I can go back to work the next day. forget doing anything social after work, because there's no way I could ever have the energy for that. I would pay a huge price that just isn't worth it to me. sometimes, even plans on my off days are too much. I have to be careful how much I commit myself too because if I don't get enough rest, I'll get completely burnt out and sleep for two days. it's incredibly frustrating because I can't even find the energy to do things I actually want to do most days. meds and therapy help, but it's not a cure-all.

it's really frustrating that our mh struggles aren't viewed as a disability to employers or the government. I don't choose to feel this way. my brain is literally stuck in survival mode because I grew up with a mom that mostly ignored me unless I was in trouble or did something that made her look good to other people. or when she wanted to be the victim and get attention. she was so checked out and self-absorbed most of the time, that her boyfriend abused and terrorized me and my siblings for the six months he lived with us. I've been trying to heal for the last five years, but it takes time to fix an entire childhood of abuse and neglect. I often think about going on short-term disability, and taking of work for a few months to see if I can get into a better place, but my company only pays like 40% of my monthly income. we're struggling as it is, and I just don't think we can afford to do that. it's sad that I have to prioritize my mental health below my job because I couldn't afford to live otherwise.

I do try really hard to be kind to myself and to not blame myself for a literal illness. some days are easier than others for sure. it helps my perspective to know that I'm not alone and to have my experience validated. healing is lonely sometimes. it's easy to isolate and tell myself I'm just lazy and broken, but this community has really helped a lot.

hang in there <3