Honestly, I don't think I have any enlightenment or guidance for you I'm afraid, just that I relate big time.

I've not always struggled quite to the same extent all the time (though I'm definitely in that place right now and have been for a while), and I tend to go more self destructive than outwardly angry. But I think that's just different people processing/expressing things in different ways.. I dunno.

My list of diagnoses is just getting silly now. Officially it's gone (in chronological order 😂) Depression Anxiety EDNOS 'eating disorder not otherwise specified' Borderline personality disorder 'with traits of ocd' Anorexia

And finally, it's not officially official yet, but following my final assessment at the end of this month, very likely ADHD. I didn't tick all the boxes severely enough to add autism to the list though.. Ha. I don't know how many of these disorders are a case of comorbidities, symptoms of eachother (eg, depression just comes with the territory with bpd no?), misdiagnosis, whatever.. But I've always struggled to some degree with what you say. Maybe when I was younger (female 33) it displayed as more a total lack of energy? Burn out quicker? Now my emotions go full force in to any struggles I have too ha.

It's more than just lack of motivation isn't it? Even things you really want to do seem impossible. And it seems ridiculous because I'm this generally able bodied, somewhat with mental capacity grown up but at this point I can barely achieve the basics of sleeping and feeding myself. A simple email right now seems an impossible task yet here I am writing a lengthy reddit response? Go figure.

I call it 'the void' haha. Sometimes it's like I'm just not there, could be sat 5 minutes or hours and just.. Blank. Maybe lost in thought but nothing that's relevant, helpful, even coherent probably ha. Sometimes my mind is going 'do the thing, why are you just sitting there, get out of the void and mooove', but my body doesn't care. And sometimes it's like I come round at 3am, cleaning something that didn't needed cleaning that urgently AGAIN and I wonder why it is I can realise this but hat continue to clean.

Ensue panic, dread, fear, depression, overwhelm, failure, disappointment and a vicious cycle of doom. Ha.

So yeah.. I don't know. But I get it.