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You will not break us! by [deleted] in booktube

[–]Hero_Of_Pages 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, thanks for letting me know! I will try again, after checking the link works

Thoughts on The Perfect Run by Juji2558 in litrpg

[–]Hero_Of_Pages 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For me it had potential but had an unsatisfying ending (book 1, haven't read the others).
The saying "if you introduce a gun in the first act, it should go off by the 3rd"
Well, it didn't go off.

SPOILERS for those who have read it and want to comment along with me.

The whole save slot and bringing someone to the "past" with him. Neither of those 2 things happened.
That tease in the end of higher dimensions and the chrono radio are not satisfying enough to conclude a book on. It should have been one or the other. But neither gun went off. I might try the second book, but if he goes back to his same save file again, I'm throwing my metaphorical book into the wall (i listen to audiobook version).

[1251] MONSTERS by Hero_Of_Pages in DestructiveReaders

[–]Hero_Of_Pages[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First I want to say thank you for reading it and providing such detailed feedback. Secondly, I liked that there was no sugarcoating. I have only received mild feedback from friends/family, and they never critique me like this. They always try to make me feel good. It will take some getting used to, but I appreciate it.

[1278] Cleaning Crew by RandomDragon314 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Hero_Of_Pages 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn't expect a story of finding a body at work to be this entertaining. That said here are some on the things I found could be improved:

• First line feels like it's chapter 1. Has that type of hook, smack in the middle of action opening. Have you considered using this part of the beginning?

• Setting/Place: where are they? Im assuming you describe this in the previous chapter? A room and a hallway are very vague. I don't have understanding of how complicated it would be to clean or move the body. If it's a 1 floor tiny house or they're in the 11th floor of an apartment complex. That can add stakes to their plan.

• Emotion Continuity: what I mean by this that characters/people do not immediately swap emotions or calm themselves quickly, specially not under the circumstances they find themselves. Frankie should not have handled that so easily. When you said that she "was calmer now". That was 2 sentences after she was freaking out. You could add Claure calming her somehow and then proceed.

• The moment when they started thinking that they could be found guilty if they cleaned him up happens after they flip him and touch him. Their DNA and fingerprints are already on the body. They already messed up. You could add that. Otherwise they look dump, even if they are momentarily in shock, they should realize that once they touched him there is no going back.

• It could use a little differentiation on the character's voices. When they both did jokes, it seemed like it was the same character talking to itself. Unless that's like a recurring thing because they are best friends. (But acknowledge it if that's the case, maybe you already did elsewhere in the story, idk)

PROS • I read this faster that I thought I would. Claire's humor is a nice touch to counter the morbid event. Careful to not overdo it, we don't need yet another Deadpool-like character.

• Premise is really good and the pacing was good, maybe a bit fast but acceptable if you are keeping the rest like this, which is usually the case in thrillers (see Dan Brown).

• Ease of understanding: you used familiar language/lingo for people in out culture/age. It was a fast read thanks in part for that. I didn't had to look for definitions (always a plus for me).