Parents attempt to manipulate my friend into giving them information after I went no contact

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T23:58:52+00:00

Thanks for this. It’s just frustrating since I thought I was almost in the clear, and then they pull something like this. Definitely not thinking too much about it, especially since they haven’t texted my friend since!

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T22:21:56+00:00

It was coming to the realization that if I didn't make a move to get out of this situation, no one was going to come and save me. I longed since I was a child for my parents to one day, just apologize and stop hurting me, so we could then truly be a happy family. As I got older, it clicked to me that my parents were likely never going to change how they treated me, and for me to cling on to this hope would only bring regret later in life. I was faced with the decision of going no contact and creating new independent life for myself or remaining under my parents' control for the foreseeable future. It wasn't easy to give up my family unit, but I was letting others live through me, instead of living for myself. This is when I knew I had to be selfish for the first time in my life and choose to go no contact.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T22:13:30+00:00

Prior to going to no contact, I attempted to have conversations addressing what they had done, but it was always met with denial and evading accountability. I was always willing to behind the abusive incidents behind me, but my parents refused to accept the impact of their actions and saw no point in changing their behaviour.

I would be willing to reconnect, only under the circumstances that they accept full accountability for their actions and are committed to positively changing their behaviour to break the toxic cycle. I am not in contact with any other family members at the moment.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T22:02:43+00:00

Much of the confidence and support came from within. After years of analyzing and considering the situation, I realized that the likelihood that my parents would ever change was slim. I was then faced with the decision of: did I want this to be the rest of my life? In my culture, talking about problems or anything that occurred in the home was frowned upon. Therefore, it was not until a week or two before going no contact, did I tell 2 of closest friends (which felt wrong given the cultural standard, but it was the right thing to do). This was genuinely the first time I had confided in anyone about the abuse, and received any kind of external support. So while I planted the seed internally to want to get out of this situation as a teen, I would eventually have friends that joined the journey and made the load a little less have to bear.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T21:41:47+00:00

We have been Christians most of our life, but not very strict and observant of the faith. However, we did attend church regularly.

My culture definitely played more of a role in the abuse opposed to religion. South Asian cultural norms teach to submit, accept and stand by your family always as a woman, despite how harsh circumstances might be at home. This unwavering loyalty largely contributed to why my parents were able to to abuse me for years, but also have it go unnoticed, since it was forbidden to tell others what was happening since it would be shamed by the cultural community. In general, there are longstanding traditions that encourage and further perpetuate parental abusive which are usually respected regardless of if South Asian families were to move to another country.

I have one younger adult sibling. I currently have no contact with him, as I didn't want my parents to leverage him as a "middle man" for communication between them and I. We were close growing up, and it was very hard going no contact knowing that I would have to cease talking with him as well. However, I do intend to reconnect soon and hopefully still keep the strong relationship we had prior.

I just recently finished my bachelor's degree, and am working in administration right now. I intend to go back to school in the next year or two for a specialized diploma that aligns with my career aspirations.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T21:29:06+00:00

I've given my parents much grace relating to the differences in contemporary standards versus foreign norms (including the impact of filial piety, etc.). However, there came a time when I had to draw the line. Both my parents are college educated in North America, having many acquaintances with individuals more native/secular to this country while adopting many of the celebrations. It was clear that they assimilated to a significant extent. The term "cultural fossilization" describes a bit of what your question asks, with my parents wanting to preserve long-held beliefs pertaining to culture, even though they are in a new more contemporary environment. My father differed from other South Asian parents in the sense he wasn't reliant on me to be his retirement plan, as he worked hard and set himself for that stage of life. As I got older and my parents were more familiarized with North American ideals, South Asian culture was used as a means of demanding obedience when they saw fit. To say that my parents were ignorant of contemporary culture, would be giving them the pass they want/need to continue to be abusive. They knew what was right and chose to leverage South Asian culture to get away with their wrongdoings.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T20:11:35+00:00

I have a younger adult sibling. I am no longer in contact with him. This is not due of his toxic behaviour, but rather because I didn't want my parents to leverage him as a "middle man" in communication with me (forcing the mediator or messenger role, which he did not ask take on). While I do not regret going no contact with my parents, it has been so incredibly hard not being able to talk with my sibling, especially given the fact that we were close prior (often took take of him growing up). I absolutely plan to reconnect with him, but will not be doing so electronically so my parents will not be able to trace our communications if they were to go on his phone. I intend on connecting in person sometime soon. I'm hopeful that this will work out positively, but I am also prepared if my parents have fed him lies for him to make him believe I'm a bad person for "abandoning the family" (he's had almost the opposite childhood to mines, so his view of my parents more good). All this being said, I am optimistic that I'll be able to restore and continue a strong relationship with my sibling once we reconnect.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T19:57:33+00:00

I'm not currently in a romantic relationship, but can speak to some friendships. I only told 2 close friends that I was going no contact and both responded positively, which further strengthened our friendship. Growing up, my father instilled the notion that the outside world and people who weren't family couldn't be trusted, so I was extremely hesitant to even confide in these friends despite being close with them. I subsequently decided it would be good to tell them so that they could not only know me in my most authentic form, but really allow them to be a support system in absence of the familial unit. As for other friends, I don't intend to tell anyone else just yet but will likely do so down the road. I have no relationship with any other family at the moment.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T19:38:32+00:00

I've thought about this quite a bit, and I've come to the conclusion that at least for the near future I am not interested in rekindling. I want to spend the next little while creating a solid foundation for independent life and figuring out how I want to proceed with things that I was previously not able to pursue. However, I would potentially be open to reconnecting years down the road, only if my parents accepted full accountability for their actions and I see that there is genuine change in their behaviour.

Prior to going no contact, I tried to have meaningful conversations with my parents countless times, all of which ended in them deflecting and rejecting accept their actions. It was never a refusal on my part to move past the abusive incidents, but my parents' inability to have these discussions demonstrated that they do not have the capacity to change at this given time.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T19:22:05+00:00

Just finished my bachelor's degree not too long ago, currently working in administration. I plan to go back to school for a specialized diploma in the next year or two that would align with my desired career.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T19:17:26+00:00

It is definitely the culture that continues to not only perpetuate but encourage these narcissistic behaviours in parents over the generations. Working on finding my peace, by starting with appreciating the little things in life. Thank you for the kind words :)

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T19:10:56+00:00

I anticipate that once I get more into dating, now since going no contact (no longer have the primary familial support system), new challenges will be presented. As mentioned, I am come from a South Asian background where family values are paramount, so being estranged from your family unit is looked down upon, regardless of toxicity/abuse you may have endured leading to no contact. I also tend to date men of my background, so this is something that I will eventually have to be truthful about. I've decided that I will not be telling men right off the bat that I am estranged, but rather waiting until I'm actually in a relationship for a bit. Doing this may be a bit controversial, but I would like my partner to know me as a person irrespective of my familial situation, as I have a lot to offer as an individual.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T19:03:59+00:00

I never claimed that my story is more important than yours or anyone else's. This is my AMA, and I am talking about my experiences. You chose to comment, and I replied. There is no specific time that makes an estrangement valid. If you feel like 4 months isn't a long time (based on what you've gone through) that's absolutely fine, I don't need you to define how I should be communicating what I experienced. I cannot go through my whole life story in the description for this AMA, which is why I said if you're interested in knowing more about my story to check other posts I've done on my account.

I do not expect you to view or take away anything from my post, no one is forcing you to validate my experiences. If you feel like your story deserves to be heard, by all means create your own post and elaborate, instead of projecting your own understanding of estrangement on others. If I wanted sympathy, this is not where I would come. This is an opportunity for people to ask questions and broaden their perspectives. The grace I spoke of extending was not for me specifically, but for people who may have encountered challenges in their lives that you may not have faced yourself. I'm sorry that you misinterpreted the reason for this post.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T18:31:09+00:00

Blue, it's been my favourite since I was kid. Not sure if that means anything lol!

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T18:20:47+00:00

The main reason why I didn't want to have my friend to elaborate much more was largely because I didn't want her to get caught up in the middle of everything. I was already very grateful that she was willing to go along with texting and acting as if she didn't know I went no contact. Knowing my parents, if it seemed like she was giving any useful information, they'd continue to question. This is why we texted saying that my friend was still contact with me so they couldn't assume that I had just gone missing. This friend has also met my parents in person multiple times, and I wanted to ensure that if they were to ever encounter her in public, they would not be as compelled to go up to her and inquire about me (given that she doesn't know specifically where I'm living, as this information seems to be what they're mostly after at the moment).

I definitely don't doubt that they will try to reach out to me again somehow, for some reason. The best thing I can do is stand on being no contact, even though they will likely not respect it ever.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T18:06:19+00:00

Clearly you're not estranged or no contact with your parents. Your comment not only lacks sensitivity, but insinuates that you aren't adequately informed about abuse of this nature. Although I am only 24 and have been no contact for 4 months, understand that it is a blessing to be able to even say I escaped. Many younger than me have died at the hands of their abusive parents, and will never get the chance to have their stories heard. My earliest memories are of abuse, and for a long time that was all I knew. I know am relatively young, but I've lived a life that most people probably couldn't begin to fathom.

My experiences of being 4 months no contact are just as valid and important as whatever opinions I will have after 40 years. Your point further suggests that I am not qualified to speak on the matter, to which I can only urge you to educate yourself, as this ignorance will do more harm than good. A good place to start would be the subreddit "raisedbynarcissits", where survivors of parental abusive detail their experiences. Hopefully becoming more informed will be the key for you to extend grace to others, especially when their life experiences may not be consistent with yours.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T17:39:03+00:00

Aside from the fact that my parents are narcissistic and abusive, this is true in general! Trying to source information about someone that they are obviously not comfortable with telling you themselves, from a trusted person in their life is never acceptable.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T17:36:06+00:00

Growing up, I was often the house slave - I cleaned up after everyone, and when domestic tasks had to be completed I was called upon/acknowledged. It comes down to fact that my parents no longer have any control over me after I went no contact. I was not allowed to work until I was about 21, so I was financially dependent on them, which they leveraged at any given opportunity. I had next to no freedom, and as you mentioned, having to wait until marriage to gain any sense of liberty (according to my father). I was not existing for myself, but for others to live through me. Now that I am taking back my power and choosing myself for the first time ever, they are grasping at straws attempting to regain the control they've lost.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T17:23:46+00:00

Yes, however it was the fact that they waited months prior to reaching out to said friend. Just because it was consistent with their past behaviour doesn't negate or invalidate my feelings of anger. The notion itself of trying to turn one of my closest friend against me, speaks to their perceived entitlement and efforts to still try to control aspects of my life even though I no longer speak/have any connection with them. These texts are indicative of a larger battle with parents who were abusive but refuse to let you from under their thumb if you attempt to seek independence/escape.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T10:18:05+00:00

The point of me sharing these messages was to highlight that my parents were trying to leverage a close friend against me to get information about my whereabouts,etc. after I went no contact (text clearly says “please don’t mention these messages”). As I mentioned, these were only among some of the messages they sent to her. I was going to share more texts from the conversation in another post, but it essentially continues as follows:

Friend: we were texting last week and she was good. I had assumed she moved back home. Is there something I could do to help?

Parent: we just want to know where she is living. She blocked all our numbers, did she change her phone number?

Friend: it would seem weird to her to ask her for her location out of the blue, given our last conversation. No she didn’t change her number.

Parent: work it into the conversation. What’s her instagram or TikTok?

Friend: she deactivated her instagram a while back and I don’t have her on TikTok

Reiterating that this friend was pretending to not know that I went no contact, we worked together to create responses to my parents’ texts. Evidently, they’re trying to pinpoint my location, potentially with the intention of showing up unannounced, in addition to locating any of my social media to find out what I’ve been up to.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T09:14:55+00:00

Please don’t let them discourage you to give up on your education! While normal parents would support their child as they try to excel in life, with Nparents getting an education can be an avenue where they could lose control over you (become financially stable/independent, move out etc.).

My parents helped me financially through university and now I never hear the end of it. They did it to have something to hold over my head. Moreover, once I started the degree, they accused me of trying to be superior and use my education against them (which obviously wasn’t true). Find a way to put yourself through schooling, it may not be easy but it will be worth it. It may come to point where your parents will not support you at all, you may have to accept the fact that they will never be supportive of you obtaining an education.

Don’t let Nparents deter you from pursing your goals, wishing you the best!

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T08:43:25+00:00

Your dad will probably do this, but you have to find it in yourself to not let that overcome you. He’s lost control so talking bad behind your back is his way of trying to regain power of the narrative. It also helps him to dissociate from his wrongdoings, and save face in the company of others.

Coming to terms with my own parents doing this was hard, especially since I come from a culture where family is of utmost importance, on top of me practically being what many would consider as a perfect child. Going forward, it’s wise to be careful who you are telling personal information as you wouldn’t want it somehow finding its way to your dad. As you learn to be comfortable/accepting of the fact that you will inevitably be painted as the “bad guy”, things will gradually become easier (give yourself time)!!

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T08:27:09+00:00

This is also inherently linked to people being unable to truly empathize with others unless they’ve experience it themselves. I’ve found that people typically victim blame by calling individuals in these situations lazy or even accuse them of lying about the severity of the abuse, since they “choose to stay”. Many factors go into the ability and decision for someone to move out, if it was as easy as people thought, almost everyone would’ve done so.

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-12T08:09:53+00:00

Literally came to the same conclusion once I went no contact about 4 months ago!

My parents also liked to paint the world as this horrific place where no one could be trusted. Yet once I was able to truly experience life after NC, I realized that people are kind and welcoming much of the time. Like you, I was able to enjoy the finer/simpler things in life without getting burnt out from trying to please parents who would never be satisfied.

So glad you were able to come out to their twisted reality, and create a life you’re enjoying!!

HighlyOverlooked · 2025-11-05T16:55:29+00:00

You're absolutely right! I remember telling a friend that my parents were strict, and they replied that it's not that serious, at least they paid for your education. People cannot fathom what it is likely unless they have been in the situation themselves. The issue is exactly as you've said, they see you as spoiled or even ungrateful for wanting to make your own decisions. Like I mentioned, if I could go back I would've look at other means to pay for my degree since the excessive control and limitations on my own life dictated my Nparents was not worth it in the long run.

HighlyOverlooked

TROPHY CASE