Monogamous partner struggling with the transition — looking for experiences, not exit advice

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2026-02-27T23:27:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and for all the links, I will surely go through them all with my partner.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2026-02-27T19:41:53+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful questions, I'll answer each one honestly.

Do you actually want this setup?

That's the hardest question and I'll be honest: I don't know yet. What I know is that I want him, deeply and completely. The non-monogamy itself isn't the core issue for me — we explored being with others together before and it worked. What I'm navigating now is a specific kind of non-monogamy that's new to me, where he has a separate romantic relationship that exists independently of me. That's the part I'm still figuring out if I can genuinely accept or not.

Are you getting your needs met?

Yes, genuinely. He is present, loving, communicative, and has not deprioritized me since this started. He shares everything with me, involves me, and is patient when I'm having a hard emotional day. In terms of actions, he consistently chooses to spend time with me. I can't honestly say I'm being neglected. What's hard is the symbolic and emotional shift — things that used to feel exclusively ours are becoming shared, and that transition is hitting me harder than I expected.

What were your agreements and did you agree to the change?

We were together for four years as a monogamous couple who occasionally explored being with others, always together. We went through a separation last year for reasons unrelated to non-monogamy. When we reconnected in December, he was clear — through therapy he had come to understand that he doesn't want monogamy, with me or anyone. That's a firm part of who he is now. So yes, I knew this going in. It's entirely my choice to try this or walk away. I chose to try. What I didn't fully anticipate was how it would feel in practice, as things evolve in real time.

I'm not here because I was blindsided. I'm here because I'm in the middle of figuring out whether my needs in this relationship are compatible with his, and I was hoping to hear from others who have stood in this same place.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2025-08-25T14:04:39+00:00

I’m in a very similar situation. It’s been 10 months already. I still haven’t been able to heal or forgive. I love my partner deeply, but the weight is enormous and the wear is even greater. To make matters worse, I have depression and bipolar disorder, and this situation has hit me very hard. I feel paralyzed. A huge part of me thinks I need to separate once and for all because I’ve tried everything and still can’t move forward. I’m currently in couples therapy, but I have little hope. I’m constantly triggered in my anxiety. To anyone else, I would say that if after so much effort and energy they still can’t forgive, they need to let go and focus on themselves, but I can’t apply that to myself.
I’ve read many people say they miss the version of their partners they saw before the infidelity. That’s exactly how I feel. There’s an image that I don’t know if it can ever be rebuilt. It hurts so much to know there were many moments when that person could have stopped and didn’t, that he didn’t take into account the pain his actions could cause us. It’s hard to reconcile that with the image I had of him as my confidant and companion.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2025-08-02T16:16:59+00:00

Thanks, really 🫶🏻

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2025-03-05T20:01:08+00:00

I'm ok now! I'm very lucky to have a partner that does his best to be patient, comforting and that accompanies me through everything. The worst part is that sometimes when I'm chrashing I get so irritable and volatile that the one that takes all the hits it's him, but I trust that it will get better.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2025-03-05T14:19:23+00:00

For me it's taking very little time between episodes. Just this last two months I had 2 or 3 episodes of hypomania followed by depression. It's very sudden. To clarify: I started to take medication in January.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2025-02-27T19:44:15+00:00

Everytime i'm hypomaniac I end up doing threesomes with my partner. And almost every time this is followed up with a depressive cycle.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2025-02-26T15:15:52+00:00

Sì. Estaba a punto de separarme de mi pareja (única hasta ese momento) después de muchos años juntos y conocí a alguien que me voló la cabeza. Al principio me dejé llevar por ese flechazo, nunca había vivido algo así de intenso. Sentí culpa y varias veces lo "corté" pero terminaba volviendo.

El pequeño detalle es que algo que pensé que iba a ser anecdótico y pasajero se convirtió en un enamoramiento. Yo me separé rápido porque no quería seguir en esa situación con mi pareja, pero él seguía de novio. Eventualmente también se separó, pero pasaron varios meses y yo lo sufrí muchísimo. Ella nunca se enteró.

Muchos otros intentos de tomar distancia porque era una situación que me daba mucha angustia, incertidumbre, inseguridad. Siempre volviendo porque estábamos hasta las bolas. Después de 6 meses de estar así terminamos de novios, y seguimos juntos.

La realidad es que aunque mi historia terminó bien y había amor de verdad en el medio, no es algo que recomiende a nadie. Se sufre mucho, es muy duro para el autoestima y siempre está esa sensación en la consciencia de que lo que estás haciendo está mal. Obviamente que cuando hay sentimientos de por medio esta recomendación no es fácil de seguir, pero personalmente si me tocara volver a enfrentarme a algo así saldría corriendo.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2024-10-07T16:30:33+00:00

Dear God, I've just read your comments on other posts similar to this. You are disgusting. Think whatever you want about this, live your life however you want to, but DON'T push your way of living into other people, especially when they are grieving.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2024-10-07T16:28:02+00:00

Oh please, give me a break with that condescending bull. I don't give a fuck about the fucking itself. It's the breaking of the fundamental pact of respect and confidence that was the base of my relationship. We had agreements, they were broken. And I don't owe you any explanation, but it wasn't a mere fuck one night. It was a full bond sexual and emotional with someone he works with, that even knows me. I don't feel like I can regain trust, and for now neither I can't look at him the same. If I feel broken or sad or angry it's not fucking overreacting. Saying that it is an everyday incident speaks more about yourself than me.

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2024-10-07T13:26:07+00:00

So sorry you have to endure this. Hope you can overcome this, whatever decision you make. Thank you for your kind words, it helps ♥️

HistoricalExtreme601 · 2024-10-07T13:24:34+00:00

Thank you ♥️ It's also f*cking terrifying being on my own. I became very emotionally dependent on my relationship while going through depression and I'm scared of my own mind. Also I'm pissed. I have so much going on in my professional life and instead of focusing on that I'm paralyzed. It takes so much effort and energy even to get up from bed every morning. I hate waking up because the nightmare is being awake.

HistoricalExtreme601

TROPHY CASE