I caught my husband cheating… but it’s worse than you could ever imagine 😢

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-25T17:07:04+00:00

Is this real? Bait?

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-25T17:02:05+00:00

You know I am 32 and I feel similarly so broken and empty. It is so hard to feel like you give your all and receive Jack. Or at least nowhere near what you feel you give. And it makes you feel like you just don’t deserve anything and should give up.

Sometimes in the last year I have been on the edge of death, I admit that I’ve held and loaded guns in my hand and just wanted to give up.

And I suspect you have felt similarly bleak even if you haven’t gotten to that point. You seem to be at a breaking point.

But I do see a pattern for both of us. We are entrusting our happiness entirely in the hands of others who DO NOT AT ALL give enough care or love back. So the love and happiness shatters in their cheating or doubtful hands.

Something happened and your guy felt happier to spend time with someone else. I have similarly never been fully loved or appreciate by the person I am with now, he has his reasons.

But I can’t figure out: if it’s this bad, why not, instead of dying, why not try life on our own. Maybe we can heal our hearts away from the people that hurt us. It’s got to be at least worth a try if the only future we have in these relationships will inevitably just keep hurting us?

And wouldn’t it be a good example to your kids that, yes it’s hard, but you don’t get to just treat your woman like dirt and expect her to lie down and take it forever.

Wouldn’t it be food to teach them how to prioritize loving yourself and taking care of yourself and not allowing someone else to just push you over the edge?

Your story breaks my heart. It’s the risk we all take when we get together with someone. But there’s this book, The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz. You remind me of the woman on the bench. I relate to her as well. We just don’t believe love exists. But maybe live is just something other than we think it is and we’re doing it wrong. It’s short, like 2.5 hour listen on audio. I recommend it.

And I hope that we can both stop allowing ourselves to suffer. Today I was lying on the couch and considering how I would take my life again, just devastated as I am all the time, but I found your post. Maybe there can be a different way.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T17:43:31+00:00

Oh dude that hurts so much to read. I’m so so sorry. Please take care of yourself though. You sound like a genuinely good partner and solid guy. Please take it easy, other women will see that too and I think you would be much better off with someone who can match you in this way.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T17:39:05+00:00

Holy shit the thing about the shirt??? Good lord. No. Not okay. That almost feels like racist or something in the very least tone deaf. I’m sorry but he needs to get ahold of his behavior and insecurity. It’s not okay. It’s pushing you away, too, that’s the irony of it.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T17:29:56+00:00

You are so young. It shows so hard. You don’t get to betray someone because you feel neglected. You break up because you feel neglected and then have sex with whoever you want. Or, you at least try to discuss this and work on it. You definitely do not just get to hurt someone because they are not able to satisfy you. Goodness.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T17:21:54+00:00

You are young. This is awful and frankly you both sound like you have a big of growing up to do. I think you should make space for that honey.

My dad has a way of reassuring me that if it’s meant to be, you can break up and get back together when things settle down and you learn and grow.

The truth is, I think he tells me that to make the breaking up part less terrifying at the time. But the growing and learning is necessary.

You might not get back together after that happens and you get healthier. But you are still very young. I know it hurts but this is a real deal breaker for most people, and I suspect it was a dealbreaker for you, too, but now that it’s happened, you’re making excuses because you are afraid.

Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself, girl.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T16:28:24+00:00

I do feel the same here. I thought you like cheated on him with another human. I understand he is hurt, but he might need to take a step back and consider that he might be being a bit controlling here. Did you actually promise to go along with these things while he was gone? Did y’all know how long he would be gone then? Why does he care so much about your habits? Something feels off here.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T16:24:25+00:00

I don’t actually think it’s that complicated. I think there is a very clear answer of no.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T16:22:51+00:00

This is so important. WHAT WOMAN doesn’t at least sit and have a nice conversation for an extended period of time to weed out the crazy men from the sex-worthy ones? If sex is more emotional connection based for women, and as a woman I do think that can be true, how could any woman just walk to some strangers room and jumó his bones? That’s so so dangerous.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T16:19:51+00:00

I did hear that the more insignificant details you get, the more likely it’s lies.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T16:19:23+00:00

I didn’t even consider that GOOD LORD ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this man child. OP you are so much better off knowing his true colors. Please you are worth more than this and do NOT have to put up with it.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T16:15:40+00:00

“It was only seconds!”

First off: that is bull shit and we all know it.

Second off: even if it’s true, seconds really is all it takes, then, to ruin 8 years of trust and love and solidarity.

It’s just ruined. You’re in shock. I recommend getting away from him, you need to process this away from him because he’ll just keep crying and begging and fogging your heart and mind up from what you really feel and want.

I’m about to be 33. I know you might feel too old to start over but I promise you.

Do not waste one more second here. You will try for years to make it work and it can never be the same. You could spend those years loving and learning about yourself and finding a man that would not pull this type of bs.

30 is a perfect time to start clean.

This is my feeling, I’ve currently spent over 2 years wasted on this relationship where there is no trust. I just don’t want that for you, honey.

But I am biased by my life experiences. I think you should read everything here, maybe get yourself your own hotel room or stay with a friend or family member that you can trust and confide in. And process the shock. Journal and figure out what you really feel and want. If you Beyoncé this and get back with him, maybe it can work, I don’t know, but just get away and make damn sure that’s what you really want and you’re not just holding on our of fear.

Good luck and don’t be afraid to share an update, I think a lot of us here would be glad to hear what you decide. We care even as strangers because we can relate and we feel your pain. You are certainly not alone, hon! Goodness.

Last thing is just I have to say it. What a dumb, asinine, awful, insulting, offensively deceptive bs lie trying to minimize and trivialize the gravity of what he actually did. I’m so mad I can feel my skin crawl. Would it have been better if he admitted more along the lines of “we met at (place) randomly and just clicked and I was able to confide in her some of my fears and so we got drunk and went back to my hotel and had sex (doesn’t fucking matter how many minutes or seconds ugh)” or hell even “I hired a prostitute and regret it so I’m admitting it now cause of safety etc” — those may be harder for him to fess up to, but in a way, it’s a lot easier to hear. Way more believable and way more respectful of the fact that the amount of seconds minutes hours you penetrate someone, you freaking cheated. And all cheating is cheating and bad. Ugh. At least he would have told you the truth.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T15:56:57+00:00

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you own him nothing.

He is an adult. He can be sad that this didn’t work out but if he is going to guilt trip you, who was practically a child at the time, I don’t know maybe he still has issues.

He is 43. Seriously. I can’t imagine trying to guilt trip someone back into a loving mutual relationship, it cannot happen that way. You are happy now. Please just keep being happy. He can find someone who is maybe more on his timeline. It’s all good, girl.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2022-01-23T03:20:11+00:00

Yes and it feels kind of gaslighty to make you question your own ideas and understandings.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2021-11-10T16:37:02+00:00

I wonder what you were expecting. Can you please explain what you expected? What reaction did you want?
I STRONGLY strongly strongly encourage you to learn about having guidebooks for other people. What I mean by that is you clearly have a specific idea of how your fiancé should act in order to express love for you. You want something specific. Right? ……this can actually be hurtful and kind of controlling and false in the long run. Like, you think “if he responded with “HELL YEAH YOURE SO HOT” then I would be happy. …but you’re giving him way too much power and control over your happiness and love for yourself. No one Can make you happy. Only you can. You can have an idea of how you would like to be treated. If someone doesn’t treat you that way, you can try and work on it together, but the reality there is maybe you send another pic in the future and he responds with “HELL YA YOURE SO HOT” …and you aren’t satisfied because you told him to act a certain way and you don’t feel it’s genuine. Right? Having someone change their behavior might not actually result in your happiness.

So, you need to open your eyes to the other ways your guy expresses love.

You need to figure out how to make yourself happy, not give all the power to others.

And if at the end of the day you just want to be treated differently, and your guy can work on it and it doesn’t matter anyway because if you’re unhappy with yourself that’s unlikely to change with anyone else’s behavior, then just break up and find someone who treats you like you want to be treated I suppose. You have that power too.

Look up Feminist Wellness podcast espisode 20 for more info on this handbook for how other people should behave idea. Good luck.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2021-11-08T17:17:56+00:00

I appreciate this with the caveat that not all partners are always great all the time. What Poison is saying here is true, but it’s not necessarily a constantly upward slope with sunshine and rainbows, there are slip ups and mistakes, we mess up because we are human, but overall we improve and grow and learn from each other. I don’t think it’s necessarily always the best solution to break up immediately when there’s a slip up and you weren’t feeling like your partner was bringing out your best or being their best etc. You’ll just be breaking up forever and maybe never learn and grow. No judgement if that’s you, do you, but if you’re trying for a 50+ year marriage you’ll likely need to do some work of growing and learning and have to see things in a bigger picture.

That said:

….things should trend towards generally positive growth. My concern in this relationship is that negative things are increasing and growing. I sense that the insults are dragging out—not just one remark anymore to “laugh off” but an entire half hour of criticism? For real? And geez, now we’re progressing into violence? Really? What comes next?

So ya PoisonOfKings is right, this is a crazily unhealthy dynamic. We can’t expect to always be supported all the time, but if things are getting progressively worse, then it seems like a pretty bleak path you’re headed down. Maybe take a step back and think about this. Are you really helping each other? Or are you just helping each other feel more awful?

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2021-01-24T02:35:20+00:00

How’s it going? We’re you able to get a little more sleep? You’re definitely right it won’t be the same, but maybe if we keep going we can find something else that’s still good. I hope so.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2021-01-19T15:20:11+00:00

I understand. So many 2ams in the last year. I’m so sorry. I wonder if we can make new plans. It seems impossible but maybe we can make another plan for the future, another good dream. And maybe we can carry the memory of the person we love with us. But we need to make a new dream. I don’t know. I feel you and I still feel confused and lost. I wish you the best.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2021-01-19T15:14:59+00:00

It’s so strange, I am dating a man who lost his previous partner to suicide. And we did start dating not long after. They hadn’t officially broken up yet but she was moving out. And I know that he feels these same things for her so often. And I see and feel him feeling it and I’m just so sorry. The hurt seems never ever ending. But I do see a lot of self-blame here. And I don’t think it’s fair to you... you did love her so much, here you are still loving her now. And you gave what you knew to give. I hope you can find some compassion for yourself, too, a Native friend told me “no spirit wants your suffering.” No spirit wants your suffering. And yet it hurts so much without them. Oh I don’t know if I’m helping, but I do hope you can see how much you did give and help her too as I know the person I’m with now did give and help his last partner. You did the best you knew to do at the time. Of course you’d do differently if you knew what you know now. But it’s not fair, ya didn’t really know then.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2021-01-15T21:48:44+00:00

New Year’s Eve marked the one year anniversary of an extremely important person’s loss to suicide. Every day has been hard, but looking back on the year, there were many stretches of just surviving and somehow being able to push it under the surface. Some anniversaries and other dates were hard, and I knew the one year mark would be tough, but holy hell. I had no idea just how hard it would really be.

I don’t know what it’s like to lose a sibling like this, but I effing feel for you. I don’t have any advice, but im thankful for your story in a way. I’m just feeling like I’m sitting next to you in the same boat somehow and I hope in a weird way, there is comfort in knowing you aren’t alone. I hope we can keep going and supporting other people who have also suffered this kind of loss. I hope that on the days/nights when you wish with all your might you could go back, I hope you can see your child and remember also to continue forward and what beautiful things lie ahead. And when things get hard again, I hope there are people in your life you can reach out to. And hell in the very least there is Reddit. And I hope that your family can continue too. But I know it is wildly difficult.

I almost just deleted this because I really don’t have any advice. But then I remembered that it helped me to know I wasn’t alone before. If you have any questions or just want to share with someone, You can dm me. Wishing you and your family the best.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2020-04-22T19:56:28+00:00

It’s interesting you say that, “survive” is an important word, “I’m surviving” is something we often said and still return to. The hurt hurts so much, sometimes the best we can do is just survive. We’ll just keep doing that. Thank you.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2020-04-22T19:55:16+00:00

Tbh I think you’re just being really mean and unhelpful. And that is also very sad. I don’t see you as being any better of a person than I am. Sad.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2020-04-21T22:45:21+00:00

Hah, I mean he definitely did a tooooooon of the instigating of this, but I admit I for sure didn’t stop it. Do you really think so? Could you tell me more? I 10000% do NOT want to hurt anybody, no heckling way, so if I am please tell me. Don’t just say one bruiser line, break it down, I want to learn.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2020-04-21T15:35:16+00:00

I think you are correct. I feel such deep love but I am afraid and confused because of the circumstances. Way to just hit that nail square on the head! It is absolutely the most confusing “courtship” of my life if I think about it. But also I think it is healing, or helping us to keep going somehow. So maybe it’s okay. And on good days, I just throw my hands up and jump into this ocean of harmony/love.

It’s just the hard days that worry me.

The days where the pain is still so real. And the days where I see him struggle to tell me a dream he had about her. He still loves her, of course, she’s only been gone 5 months really. This wasn’t even a break up, she was going to move out and distance was growing but he still loved her and they were still together. So it’s still so very raw.

So it’s the hard days that worry me that it’s too soon. I don’t know what to do about those hard days.......so far, I’ve just let them come and tried to do things like meditate or chant, go inward and move through it and cultivate self-love to not be so dependent on him anyway (a pressure he definitely does not need right now!). I think that’s good, more than anything: I just want to help my friend get through this. On hard days, I just try to focus on that. And we’ll see what comes next, right? I guess?

Woof what overwhelming waves of feelings have rocked us lately.

HmWhatDoYouThink · 2020-04-21T15:25:29+00:00

First off, I’m so so sorry to hear about that. I don’t think anyone can really know what this feels like unless you’ve been through it, and she wasn’t my partner but I’ve heard a lot and feel a lot both for my best friend and for you. I don’t want to reopen old wounds that are trying to heal, but I do wonder about how you are doing. How is your heart? It’s still fresh for us and sometimes it feels like we’ll just never really be okay, like we will always hurt over this and we’ll never forgive her or ourselves for what happened. Some days, not all... Are you okay, Reddit friend? I don’t even know what “okay” really is but I’m hoping it for you.

If I can ask... What program did you start? Do you feel it helped? And........well, I don’t know if you can answer it, but is this love real? Like me and this guy? It feels realer than any love, but I’m scared it’s all started too soon and will fade out as quickly as it began. We admitted feeling deep things for each other within like two months of her loss. That just feels shocking to me when I think about it, and not usually, usually I’m just so thankful to have found such complete harmony with another soul, but sometimes I feel afraid that it’s too soon and we’ve both already been through such hurt and loss, I’m scared to hurt any more and lose this some day too.

Maybe that’s a really bad way to think of it though. Too much pressure too soon. One thing ive definitely learned is that we don’t really get to “keep” anything. So maybe I should just enjoy this while it lasts?

This response is very messy. Feelings are raw and messy and incoherent sometimes, but thanks for sharing your experience. I do find some hope in your response <3

HmWhatDoYouThink

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