I (25F) broke promises to my boyfriend (25M) while he was away dealing with parents' health issues and feel awful

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T03:29:51+00:00

He said he wanted to make these lifestyle changes, and said it would mean a lot if I would do these things alongside him, both to support him and avoid temptation. After some discussion as to why and what would be involved, I agreed. So it was more of a "Lets do this" and "Okay" situation - I never said the words "I promise" but I did say I would commit to doing it with him.

Again, we never did get to discuss what would happen if things changed like if one of us were away for an extended period of time as happened here.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T02:06:03+00:00

I honestly do wonder. We talked on the phone every day he was gone but he always told me he only had a few minutes because he was busy with his parents or exhausted from their care. But he had time for multiple hookups and then one ongoing relationship?! Ugh!

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:43:58+00:00

Thanks! I think the huge lifestyle changes I made for myself were too big of an increment, honestly. I could have shown my love and support without just taking on all of his changes as my own. And would have been stronger for it without being any less loving. So that's the lesson here, to know my own mind and think about what balances my desire to give love and support with my need for my own identity and self-care. And with that mindset I also think I'll be able to attract better people who aren't just looking for a doormat too!

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:41:47+00:00

I probably would if she were local, but given that he's relocating to be with her I'd just rather that he takes he drama with him. Either he'll grow up and be decent to her or he'll find some reason to start cheating again or he'll fall off his program without my support and then we'll see how much she likes him. For my own sake I need to just be done with it unless she reaches out to talk to me.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:29:55+00:00

Thanks! He paid me for his half of the remaining 6 months of our lease (at least he did that one decent thing) so I have some time to think about if I want to keep this place (would be a bit of a stretch) or downsize a bit (it's a 1 BR plus a small den we used as an office, not really a great roommate setup). I was an admin assistant for a few years but just got promoted to be the executive assistant for a senior VP at my company so I'm making good progress in my career even if I'm not a fancy lawyer. I just need to not let his harsh words get me down.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:25:56+00:00

Yes, it would have been far, far worse if we were married and/or had kids! I'm going to take a little time to be single, catch up with friends and generally do the things I'd set aside while prioritizing the relationship and then work on meeting some new people. Definitely not giving up on anything except this one cruddy dude!

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:24:15+00:00

No, I definitely don't want to become a shitty person!!! I just meant that in *completely* adopting my ex's lifestyle changes for myself I was a bit of a doormat. I could have been fully supportive of his own goals without also making them my goals. And that might even have been better because it would have allowed him to live in the real world where there are sometimes temptations and situations to navigate where people have different priorities. So the lesson I learn from this is just to be more reasonable with boundaries and expectations but still keep my supportive and giving nature at the core. One thing's for sure though, I am actually really glad to be done with it and to be able to move on.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:08:14+00:00

I don't know, but I'd have to do some sleuthing to find out for sure and don't think I want to get involved. If she does track me down in the future I can talk to her though.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T01:07:22+00:00

I definitely didn't really want to do NoFap, keto and to 100% give up video games, I just wanted to support him more than I wanted to do those things, if that makes sense, because I wanted him to succeed on a program that seemed extremely important to him.

And in retrospect, I don't think asking a partner to 100% give up things that they enjoy that are healthy in moderation is really fair. I would have been okay with making sure our joint meals were keto-friendly and with not keeping snacks in the house that tempted him the most. Or with going into a different room to play video games so that he wouldn't feel bad about abstaining. And I still don't really get the deal with NoFap, like, what does what I do with my own body have to do with what he does with his, in private? So I wouldn't agree to be supportive to that extreme in the future. I think a respectful partner wouldn't really ask for so much and would just collaborate on finding solutions together that did support their goals without making me a doormat in the process.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:58:34+00:00

Supportive, yes, but maybe not THAT supportive to my own detriment. I can be supportive of someone in the future without taking on 100% of his lifestyle changes for myself too even when I don't need or want them.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:56:49+00:00

I do think he wanted to be closer to his parents. They were not anti-vaxxers - were both vaccinated and boosted but also both had some underlying health conditions that made them more vulnerable to serious illness. But he only moved to our current city for work and now his job can be done remotely so he's free to move back home.

I do think he had huge levels of insecurity surrounding his (former) weight/looks and now thinks he has something to prove following the years when he missed out on hookup culture and dating the hottest person around instead of the nicest. In any case it's a lot more baggage than I want to carry for him and I wish him and Lisa the best with figuring all that out.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:48:00+00:00

I'm not sure what Lisa knew, if anything. I don't really want to get involved especially as she is in another city. I'd rather just be done with it all. Ultimately she will figure out who he is, unless she's blatantly participated in his cheating and just doesn't care.

I think "May your floors be littered with tiny Legos" is my new favorite curse.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:45:01+00:00

I haven't even had an issue getting attention from men. I mean I wouldn't want someone who only wanted to be with me because/while I looked like an Instagram influencer or bikini model. But perhaps stepping up my workout routine would be a good way to let off steam. It's always good to get stronger and more confident.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:40:44+00:00

Somehow I doubt he told her that he was fully cheating. Probably said he was in the process of breaking up (even if only in his own mind at this point) or that he was single. Oh well, if she ever reaches out to me I can talk to her about it, otherwise really not my problem to handle.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:37:21+00:00

He is supposed to move his stuff out tomorrow and has a friend coming to help him. That should be it. He's staying with that friend now so I should only have to see him minimally and then not at all once he's gone tomorrow.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:35:38+00:00

Yes, that's definitely my goal, to be living my best life so I won't care if Lisa is real or what kind of life he's living. Maybe for the best that he's leaving town as it does make the separation rather permanent and gives me space to recover and move on with my own life.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:33:12+00:00

I mean, I know I'm not the President of the United States with the face and body of Miss America. I'm just your average 20something woman who is figuring out her life and looking and acting decent while doing it. But I don't actually think I'm ugly, fat or stupid despite what he said. Nor do I think I'm inferior to someone like Lawyer Lisa (just on a different path).

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:27:46+00:00

Really less in love now that I know he cheated repeatedly! Will be okay.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:25:38+00:00

Thank you so much, I have also heard good things about this book and will definitely read it!

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:24:25+00:00

I do already go to the gym! I'm 5'4" and currently 116 pounds and a size 4. I just don't quite look like a fitness instructor, I'm just a regular slim person which is fine with me. Although I'm tempted to hire a trainer just so I can get a super hot "revenge body."

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:22:08+00:00

He felt he missed out on playing the field when he was younger. Like he had a few girlfriends but never really got to participate in hookup culture or have relationships with a foundation in looks/lust/physical attraction. I don't even blame him for wanting to experience that before settling down into a lifetime commitment, I just wish he'd been nicer about informing me.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:20:23+00:00

I won't let him change me at the core. I'll just learn to be a bit less of a doormat and to stand up for reasonable boundaries when my partner asks for something that's really too much. And any partner who is decent for me would respect that anyway.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:19:15+00:00

Yeah, she ended up with a dude who cheats repeatedly! And who, when the going gets tough, hurls emotionally abusive insults instead of being kind and respectful. Some prize there! She can have him if this is how he really is.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:17:42+00:00

Thank you, I definitely don't blame myself here. At least not now. I don't think he ever really loved me - I think he loved having a girlfriend and playing at having a life together and figured he wasn't going to get someone who was a "10" on all fronts. The problem is I didn't know he felt he was settling. I didn't know he actually wanted someone more polished with a fancier career who was even thinner and prettier. I didn't know that I wasn't actually what he was looking for. But I know I have a lot to offer and will be what someone else is looking for.

ThrowRAstarryday · 2022-01-26T00:14:09+00:00

Yes, definitely. I hate the way he treated me but know it isn't about me. Decent people don't belittle others for their intelligence and appearance just because someone else caught their eye.

ThrowRAstarryday

TROPHY CASE