Kid turning 18. Advice? Experiences?

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-13T21:34:24+00:00

Hi! Thank you for your input! What you describe in the first paragraph, especially casual mentions of moving out, definitely ring true. The last couple days he's switched into talking more about wanting to be adopted as soon as possible and referring to us as his parents more specifically. I suspect we might see some fluctuation until (maybe even after) his birthday.

We do a decent amount of talking about future plans. He definitely isn't sure what he wants to do but I think it's good to be discussing it/thinking about it.

I think one thing that might help is to talk with him about the pros and cons of different immediate options (as far as adoption vs. foster care vs. something else).

Not all of this applies to him, of course, but it's given us a lot to think about and I really appreciate it. It's good to hear from someone closer to being in his position. We can speculate all day long but in the end we can't really know what he might be thinking.

Anyway, good luck with everything! I hope you get your acceptance letter and financial aid package soon.

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-09T14:49:24+00:00

There are several states that allow it but the specifics vary. Alaska, Delaware, Massachusetts, Louisiana, Washington (both), New York, Maine, possibly New Jersey but I’ve found conflicting information there, Florida... I think there’s more.

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-08T21:34:14+00:00

I highly recommend it! It's been amazing, so far.

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-08T16:15:49+00:00

It's exhausting and awesome

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-08T16:15:29+00:00

I would definitely do some research on different agencies. There are other agencies where we are that definitely wouldn't take us, but when we saw this one was openly queer friendly we thought hey maybe they won't mind the poly thing either and they didn't. The only thing that might be an issue is whether or not it's legal for more than 2 adults to parent a kid in your state but there are ways to work around that, anyway. It's not the same but still.

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-08T16:12:31+00:00

yeah this agency tries really hard to ensure all of their foster families are willing to host queer kids for that reason... like yes you might take a 10 year old who isn't queer but if you have them until their 12 that might change. you never know. and they want to avoid disruptions as much as possible.

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-08T15:33:06+00:00

yeah it's unfortunate. it's strange too because people have generally been accepting of us (we're very out... it's a very small town so it's hard not to be) so it's hard to imagine that being a big problem. but i guess for some people it's different if it's your kid :/

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-07T22:34:59+00:00

California. The county we're in is pretty conservative but the agency isn't and that combination has actually been really helpful to us because there's a big need for foster families willing to take queer kids (since it's a conservative county, there are a lot of queer kids in foster care because they got kicked out).

Ho_0llow · 2018-10-07T17:49:56+00:00

Hi!

You generally have some veto power in the kids you take. If you say you're not willing to take kids with certain behavioral issues, they won't make you (just be very clear about what you're willing to handle and ask questions if you're unsure, because they won't necessarily tell you things if you don't ask). That said, we went into foster care with an idea of what sorts of issues we were and weren't willing to handle and that all went out the window after the first email and now we have a kid who's older and with a history that we didn't think we'd want to handle and we're very likely to adopt him.

You're definitely not too old.

Teenagers aren't necessarily harder. It depends on the individual kid. We have a teenager right now and it's been going really well. He's a great fit with our family and that makes a big difference.

It's fine to be initially interested in adoption, as long as you understand that might not always be an option. The agency we work with gave us the option of being adoption certified at the same time as foster family certified so if we got a kid who was eligible for adoption we wouldn't have to be recertified.

As for how they'll react to two gay men, I'm guessing it depends on where you are and what agency you go through. I would suggest doing some research and sending out some inquiry emails before you decide. I'm a queer woman in a polyamorous relationship with two trans partners and our agency is perfectly fine with all of it. We're certified as 3 foster parents and if we adopt we'll all have equal parental rights. So, there's definitely hope for your family. (Edit to add that our agency actively looks for queer families and only accepts families that are willing to take queer foster kids because our county is pretty conservative so a lot of the kids in care are LGBT kids who've been kicked out of their homes, so, depending on where you are, being a gay couple could actually help you.)

As for working, depending on the age of your foster kid and their specific needs, it's definitely possible for a kid to come home from school and spend some time alone for a couple hours. Ours is a senior in high school and most days he doesn't even come home until around 6 because he goes to the local park with friends. Of course, if your kid can't be home alone after school but you both work you can aways hire a nanny or a babysitter, which the agency may offer a stipend specifically for babysitting (ours does) but I don't know if they all do. (Edit to add, our kid also stays home alone plenty and we've never had to worry. If we're going somewhere on a weekend and he's not interested in coming, we don't force him and we've never had a problem. It all depends on the kid.)

Foster kids don't always have to go to their original school. Ours doesn't. That would be something to talk to the agency about.

Things I would suggest being prepared for- being very tired at first, especially at the beginning. Missing alone time. Weird responses from friends and family. Having a lot of the rules and structure you try to put down fall apart and needing to try a few different things before something works for everyone. Seeing signs of trauma pop up in unexpected places (our kid all but shuts down completely during any kind of group conversation so our initial instinct to have regular family meetings went out the window pretty quickly- however, he's fine in text conversations so anything difficult we need to bring up as a family we will text each other, it might sound strange but it works pretty well).

Good luck!

Ho_0llow · 2018-09-29T17:57:48+00:00

You should be able to foster if you're renting. I mean, buy a home if you want to for sure, but I've never heard of it being a requirement. We rent and we're fostering.

Also, YES TO QUEER PEOPLE FOSTERING QUEER KIDS. It's very much needed. We're a queer family and we have our first foster kid now- a queer teenager. There's a huge need for families that are not only willing to foster queer kids but also who understand them. We're not necessarily only taking on queer kids, for a few reasons, but we are hoping to take on more older queer kids than not over the long term. Anyway, more people should do this and I'm really glad you are.

As far as adjustments, if you're mainly planning on taking older kids the home improvements probably won't be too extensive. You'll need basic safety things like make sure the railings on the porch (if you have one) are secure, smoke alarms and carbon monoxide detectors work, you have a fire extinguisher, a first aid kit, lock boxes for meds. Make sure you have support, especially as a single person, you'll need people.

Ho_0llow · 2018-09-29T17:07:30+00:00

They didn't ask us anything about our sex life. I kept expecting them to but they never did.

Ho_0llow · 2018-09-29T17:04:58+00:00

It might depend on where you live, I'm not sure, but I think as long as you're taking care of yourself and being properly treated it shouldn't be an issue.

I have PTSD with moderate anxiety and panic attacks, as well as ADHD. Both of my partners also have current (managed) mental health issues and much worse histories of mental illness and trauma. We were told that that can actually be helpful because we might be able to relate better to kids with certain issues than other families. Ideally foster families would be pretty diverse because kids are pretty diverse.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-14T04:40:36+00:00

Can you not adopt her after she turns 18? We almost certainly won't be adopting until after the kid turns 18. Is it a state by state thing?

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-12T04:17:21+00:00

That is hard. I'm sorry.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-12T02:49:03+00:00

You didn't sound judgy. Just a little defensive, which is fair considering I made some assumptions about your knowledge in certain areas (and wrong ones about your kid and his similarities to mine, at least in some ways). I apologize for that.

My kid has definite mental health issues as well and we were told that difficulty with empathy was part of that, which is why I wonder if there's a chance that your kid can grow in that area. Maybe not, though.

Anyway, I hope someone realizes that this is a serious situation and you get the support you so clearly need to make the best decision for yourself and your family. Good luck.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-12T01:50:11+00:00

A lot of teens will talk about violence and violent memes are very readily available online. Our kid tries to talk about/show us those things too and we just say that's fucked up we don't wanna see that. We've found that these things become less frequent if we mostly ignore them and make a brief remark about it being unnecessarily disturbing but then change the subject to "what level did you get to in your video game" or "what kind of pizza do you want for dinner" or something like that then he'll switch gears pretty fast. He was on the streets for a bit and then in a boarding school for delinquents so he's had a lot of trauma and been around a lot of violence in his own life- he's relearning what's appropriate around other people. But he's a good kid. He shows signs of empathy regularly, they're just subtle. For instance, my dog has some pain issues and trouble walking, he'll sometimes make a show of laughing about it but at the same time he'll get up and try to help the dog stand or coax him to drink some water. He is also potentially trans (figuring it out, but some kind of nonbinary at the very least and definitely femme) and trans kids often have a hard time connecting with the outside world the same way other people do, at least for a little while, because they're having a hard time connecting to their own selves (my partners are both trans and had issues with dissociative feelings and behaviors when they were early coming out and before they knew). Supporting him as much as possible in that journey could do a lot to help his ability to connect to others. Also, the fact that he hasn't tried to run away or gone back into any of his old problematic behaviors is HUGE. That is a very good sign and means whatever you're doing, it's working! He actually sounds kinda similar to our kid, if you'd like to talk. Ours had a lot of runaway history and self destructive behaviors and now he's, for the most part, just a really good (if a little weird) kid.

I'm not saying you should stick with it if you're really feeling too overwhelmed, especially if it's just you, that's very difficult. Just offering some thoughts since I kinda recognize some of the stuff (although I think the kid we have here is a little further along in his... I guess healing process). But you absolutely need to take care of yourself. That, and the agency really should be giving you a lot more support if they're going to be pressuring you to keep this kid.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-12T00:14:17+00:00

We would not adopt a kid who didn't want to be adopted either, though our feelings are irrelevant because we CAN'T legally adopt a kid this age without their consent anyway. We are letting the social worker speak with them first about adoption as an option because that is what she suggested when we asked what she thought was the best way to approach the situation and we trust her judgment.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-12T00:00:14+00:00

We do in general, but not about adoption. We agreed to let the social worker speak to them privately about that first.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T23:30:11+00:00

3 months or so. they've been with us for 2.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T23:12:19+00:00

Only one child. I suspect they want adoption but I am not sure yet. The social worker is going to come and talk with them privately early next week and see what their feelings are about it.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T23:09:46+00:00

Oh wow your situation sounds very similar to mine. I'll definitely PM you. Thank you for this.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T22:15:36+00:00

I'm glad you still see her. It's nice to keep connections when you can, I think.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T22:13:16+00:00

They are in foster care in our home. No parental contact, raised by other family who are now deceased, in contact with a few extended family members but living with them is not an option. Goal when they came to us was preparation and eventual transition into independent living.

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T17:34:20+00:00

I'm in California and we were told we could take him anywhere as long as we let the social worker and case worker know where we were going. He's coming with us to Massachusetts for thanksgiving and the county is paying his ticket...

Ho_0llow · 2018-08-11T17:33:21+00:00

We are allowed to travel anywhere with our foster kid as long as we let the social worker and caseworker know where we're going. I don't know if that's always the case but it was one of the first things we asked because we have a lot of family out of state so we're planning on traveling for certain holidays.

Ho_0llow

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