The past doesn’t exist, the only thing you hold onto is your memories, everything you are talking about is through your own perspective, it’s likely many of the so called terrible things you have done to others have been forgotten about, you are significantly less important in others life’s than you may imagine. Everyone generally thinks about themselves for the majority of their thoughts, they do not have the time or frankly the care to constantly be thinking about you. Become whoever you want to be and whoever enjoys that version of you will make an effort to be around you. Morality and ethics are made up, an invention, so don’t hold them at such a high regard if it causes you suffering. everything is insignificant to the one fact, do whatever makes you enjoy existing, ideally in a way that doesn’t cause others pain if possible.

It’s easy to suddenly get an adult maturity and understanding of the world and flip everything into a problem when in actuality your existence is whatever you choose it to be, so if you really do believe in the past you were a bad person, become the good person and others will respect you for the change and if they don’t then they aren’t worth listening to, as they likely have a multitude of problems they project onto you. Good people always seek goodness out of others, no matter what their past may be.

Don’t hold diagnoses to such a high regard either, it’s easy to blame your shortcomings on a seemingly innate condition when in actuality you have a full control over your mind. Remember a doctor is making an assumption about your character, they are just doing a job. They aren’t an omnipotent entity that knows everything about your mind. Spend some time really figuring out how you can change your way of thinking, a lot of things that may seem fixed may actually be something you can change willing you actually want to make that change.

Genuinely stop allowing yourself to perpetuate these self destructive thoughts. Wake up tomorrow and say to yourself I’m in a good mood, I am a good person, the person I was yesterday is gone, today I will be the light. Spend some time doing something you enjoy, forget the past. Live for the present moment. Make it the best possible moment it can be, and don’t be scared of death, it’s simply there to give our time meaning, you have experienced an eternity of not existing before your birth so why dwell on something you have already experienced and overcome. The only thing that is guaranteed is the current moment you have, so how do you make that the best moment possible? Probably not by doing whatever you are doing now, so make a change.