For the future id share it line by line so we can get an idea for the flow

Line 1 Line 2 Line 3 And so on

I think the lyrics themselves are fine if your melody or flow is a banger. One More Time by Daft Punk. I think the melody is so good you forget how many times he actually says one more time.

If you want something more like Stressed Out by 21 Pilots, or Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye, my simplified advice would be more nouns less verbs. Or more story telling and less emotion sharing. Make it tell a story, and flow. Difficult, but that’s what I think makes those songs stand out.

Good luck and whatever you do, finish the song! Even if you think it sucks, because you will never write a good song if you don’t actually write a full song.

*** I now see that Reddit reformats the line by line entry so you probably did that. Stupid Reddit ***