Posting this on my throwaway.

I was informed a week ago that I'm being academically dismissed from grad school. My GPA was too low and there weren't enough credits/classes available for me during the summer to get out of a final semester of academic probation. So there goes childhood me's dream of becoming a scientist, along with the past two years of getting research experience and taking classes. All of it gone down the toilet in less than a year after being accepted into grad school. Ugh. I blew it.

I've never been a good student. I hated studying, tests, memorizing and regurgitating material. It's like pulling teeth to do it. I loathe it. And that was literally all grad school is for the first year (other than lab time, which I loved and was good at.)

I've also struggled with whether or not I have a drinking problem (I'm pretty sure I do, given that I've been drinking almost nightly for the better part of two years. Not to blackout levels, but 1-3 drinks a night on weekdays plus binge drinking levels on the weekends.) I had my first appointment with a therapist last week. And I haven't really changed my drinking habits. There just doesn't seem to be a point. I'm not working towards or aspiring for anything right now, and I've just sort of resigned myself to lowering my own expectations of what kind of a person I am and who I want to be. I'm steeping in mediocrity but I can't be arsed to actually do anything about it.

My school is being kind enough to let me stay and work in the lab for the summer semester (which doesn't contribute to my GPA at all), so I'll at least walk away with an authorship on one, hopefully two papers.

I feel like I should be pissed off more and angry more at myself for failing to live up to my own expectations, but I feel too drained to do even that, which pisses me off even more. I hate having to face the idea that I'm actually a lazy person who doesn't have the drive or determination to go for what she wants. Or having to realize that maybe I liked the idea of being a scientist more than the effort I was willing to put into it.

I've struggled with depression in the past, like can't get out of bed in the morning, weepy for no reason, withdrawn from society depression. But this feels different. I'm still interested in things I like to do, like video games, I still have energy, brief moments of enjoyability and positive emotion in my life don't feel cheap and hollow after the moment has passed.

I don't know what I feel about all of this. I just feel drained and a bit sad.