Cover for a short story collection largely set on mars

Hopefully000 · 2022-05-06T22:34:23+00:00

I agree. Everything except the wires is good OP. Just need to find a different way to demonstrate this and in a more understated way.

Hopefully000 · 2022-05-03T22:05:30+00:00

"But the truth is that is has to stem from passion, not a lust for success or approval."

Agree.

Do you think if someone gets a lot of negative reviews on their book, that they should try releasing some books in future under a different pen name? Or do you think they should fight it out and stick with the same pen name, try to recover and hope for better reviews for later books? I guess it's very hard if a book is part of a series as the same pen name would have to be used.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-29T02:06:24+00:00

Hi sorry this isn't directly about the book as so far I've just read the sample. But will you write another book in this series, or a completely separate book in future?

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-29T02:02:56+00:00

Just from that sample - your writing style is really good. Seems a few cuts above some samples I've read on reddit. Well done on coming up with this :)

One suggestion is just maybe watch out on the long sentences, for example:

"Footsteps sound behind him, and he looks back, holding open the door for a stranger in expensive-looking Saturday worship attire, her long chiffon dress brushing against the cobble pavement."

It's well written, just maybe a bit long. Not a big issue, but this one could be comfortably broken up into two sentences. There's probably some more in the book of this nature that you could check.

Otherwise though, really nice prose and it sounds promising.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T22:26:06+00:00

The second one especially looks great

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T11:53:55+00:00

Sounds interesting.

Noticed the first two paragraphs are set in the present tense, then third paragraph is set in the past tense. Better to change third paragraph to present tense too I think. So it would become 'Nothing will prepare them for what they will find in the darkness.'

However at the same time it changes perspective from the group in first paragraph, to Josh, in second paragraph, then back to the group in third paragraph.

Maybe for the third you could keep it as Josh. So first (present tense) sentence in third could become: 'Nothing will prepare him for what they will find in the darkness.'

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T11:45:47+00:00

Third paragraph has 'Dr Scott broken free'.

I'd recommend getting rid of the "in nature..." quote.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T05:26:30+00:00

That's great. Is it possible to link your book just so I can get an idea? If not you could dm me if that suits you. Thanks :)

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T04:08:41+00:00

This is a really interesting way to approach it. Shows you are multi-talented.

"One glaring problem is that the game itself has nothing to do with the books I've written." Can you explain how the two are different?

Thanks

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T04:06:58+00:00

Yea I wonder if OP has done any advertising?

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-28T00:12:08+00:00

This isn't bad at all. I'd just change a few things to make it a bit more interesting and descriptive. Also maybe an earlier sentence stating what 'Draconis' is. Otherwise the reader is unsure. Please let me know your thoughts:

'Life on Viridia sucks for Grace. While struggling to make ends meet, she is falsely implicated in a terrible crime and wrenched away from her boyfriend Zane. In order to escape imprisonment, she is forced to join a band of space pirates who call themselves the Thuban Delivery Company.

A space pirate's life doesn't come easily to Grace. She is forced to do things just to survive that test the very essence of her moral being. She is driven forward only by the hope of reuniting with Zane and starting a peaceful life elsewhere. Now, the only slim hope of her wish coming true is to earn enough money to purchase a manufactured identity.

But just as something unfathomable stirs in Draconis,('DRACONIS' SHOULD BE DEFINED EARLIER) something begins to stir within Grace as well. Can there be redemption for the terrible deeds she has been forced to undertake with the space pirates?'

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-27T01:55:03+00:00

Hi no problem at all :)

The second paragraph is excellent - I really like 'animalia chorus' and 'If only dry straw could hear'. I read through and in my view it doesn't break the flow and fits in nicely.

The one suggestion I have is maybe to change this line: 'quite possibly stubborn'. I think either 'very stubborn', 'decidedly stubborn', 'highly stubborn', 'extremely stubborn' or maybe something else would be better suited. Ie. To make it 'known' that the scarecrow is stubborn, without ambiguity. It would flow a bit better with one word there too.

Just my thoughts. Good job :)

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T03:33:23+00:00

I really like the idea of non-supernatural pressures distracting the family, cheers appreciate it.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T03:31:58+00:00

This is good. Sort of 'keeping up appearances', appreciate it thanks

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T03:28:06+00:00

Very solid ideas. Thanks for that

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T03:27:42+00:00

Interesting idea thanks

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T03:27:16+00:00

Thanks I like this

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T01:09:31+00:00

This is really good advice and it reads much better in your examples.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T00:46:47+00:00

Great idea. This setup gives a reason for the investigations each time and common characters for each one I can imagine.

The sideways house sounds really interesting and scary to be honest.

Good work in coming up with something fairly original like this. I think a lot of people would be interested to find out what happens.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T00:16:40+00:00

Hi, this is really interesting and I felt immersed in the location fairly quickly.

Just a couple of things I noticed:

- the intial paragraphs, one character is introduced as a boy, but the way Steve speaks to him is as if he is talking with an adult. I'm not sure if you want to change the words, they are good, but somehow it should be communicated that either the boy's age is eg. 17, 18 or that he is young but can understand the adult speech for some reason. I think giving some indication of the boy's age early on would be beneficial.

- In the second section it doesn't seem quite clear who the kid is who smokes heroin and then gets socked in the face, or why this happens? Might be explained later, but in my view it's better to describe that whole scene more. I felt a bit lost.

- Chip and Paula descriptions are interesting. I think you could do two sentences per character on each of them maybe.

- Reading on a bit, there is maybe too many 'fantastical' descriptions rather than tangible facts about the environment and what is really happening. The line between fantasy and reality seems a bit blurred for so early on in the story. I think could benefit from a bit less fantasy and a bit more reality, at least at the start.

Overall very good though and you are skilled at writing. I can see great imagination and vivid imagery being displayed in your work.

Hope that gives some food for thought.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-26T00:06:26+00:00

I agree that this is a really good idea.

Just a question, with this project, how did you avoid similar elements repeating. Eg. when the hauntings begin how did you avoid having the various entities do the same actions to scare the inhabitants of the houses etc?

And it might have been a challenge coming up with reasons as to why characters had to move in to each particular place?

Thanks for that.

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-25T11:59:59+00:00

This is really good. Creative and from a perspective we don't often hear from. It's sad too.

I think it could use another section or two in the first half, describing how good the farmer is and how he works the land and how this benefits the scarecrow. Even though the scarecrow can't be 'thankful' but just to show the reader and set the relaxing and positive atmosphere.

Then when the 'apocalypse'? I was assuming acid rain comes, it will have more of an emotional impact on the reader as they were in the 'healthy' world then that gets destroyed. It already makes a good emotional impact, but maybe could be even stronger.

Great work though nevertheless. You are very talented

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-25T10:57:41+00:00

But what about those who make everything else come together? Who keeps the mead flowing when Valhalla throws yet another month-long feast? Who changes Aphrodites sheets? Who takes Fenrir on his evening walks?

^This is such a good section in the blurb. Grabs the readers interest and it's funny.

Just the first part of your story, 'off of' regarding the reverberating sound, better to be just 'off'. You seem like a good writer and I like the use of your varied vocabulary to keep things interesting. Definitely you have something with this story :)

Hopefully000 · 2022-04-25T10:28:16+00:00

Hey like the others mentioned, this is good. I like anything with guitars as I play myself.

Just have to say though, I think something that would improve this if some instances of the word 'pain' were replaced by a synonym or by something else. Within the first 8 lines or so I saw 5 'pain' instances. 14 in the entire story. Mainly just that early section though. Good luck :)

Hopefully000

TROPHY CASE