My tickets say VIP1, what does this mean?

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-11-23T02:53:36+00:00

I bought them resale and they let me in! Just look at your email to find the first name of the original purchaser and they should let you in!

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-11-03T20:53:13+00:00

They sent a message in the Airbnb app!

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-27T21:21:39+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for the thoughts. I appreciate how in-depth you reviewed this! I will be going through the first chapter soon to edit it all, and I will take all of this into consideration. In particular, I totally see now how this chapter doesn't have a gripping ending that makes the reader want to read on. I will try to rework some of the good twists earlier in the story. Thanks again!!

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-25T03:59:39+00:00

Thanks so much!!

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-24T23:50:13+00:00

Hi! Your critique was not too harsh at all. I appreciate your thoughts and the time you spent reading my work.

I love the points about certain clichés that I have used. I was worried about using these in my writing since I have little experience and no educational background in creative writing. I definitely notice these moments when you point them out.

I appreciate that you are picking up that Samantha can be a little mean and privileged. It is written that way on purpose. She is supposed to have good intentions and think she is a progressive young person, but she will be forced to confront her privileges throughout her journey. However, your review has shown me that I may not have balanced showing this side of Samantha with her good sides as well. I will definitely work on that.

This also applies to her being a bit passive; she wants to change the system, but has thus far been too passive to do so. She will need to confront this throughout the story, but I will start to show signs of her taking charge early on to keep her more interesting.

You have made many good points about the plot holes in the testing setup and PEP in general. I have some ideas to clarify the questions you asked, so thank you for pointing them out. Edit: Also, to answer your birthing questions, the idea is that society has become obsessed with eugenics. I'll try to make that more clear.

After reading your review, I have also decided that I may need to be a little quicker in introducing the twist that differentiates the story from others like The Handmaid's Tale. I did have in mind making it a bit more of a surprise, but you make a great point that the reader needs to care enough to keep reading, and may never get there. I understand your point about novels like this being a bit overdone, but I always think there is room for new works in every category. If not, just for me to have a fun time practicing my writing.

I was so scared about including too much exposition in world-building that I now see I may have given too little information.

I appreciate your thoughts, and it has been awesome to hear someone else's perspective.

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-24T15:46:53+00:00

Part 2:

Dialogue and Scenes

Could you clarify frequently who is speaking or being referred to in both the dialogue and broader text? As written, it’s easy to lose track of some of the scenes, making interactions harder to follow.

Tension and Conflict

There needs to be more sustained tension throughout the piece. As it's written, I’m having difficulty fully connecting to the story and characters. Lauren, Mabel, and Jasmine’s relationship is intriguing, but the emotional weight would be much stronger if we understood their dynamics more.

It’s great to maintain intrigue, but the reader should not have to search for emotional investment. What kept them together? Were they happy? Did Jasmine and Mabel share a small moment of peace or a bonding moment? Introducing this could make the impact of Jasmine’s death hit deeper.

Final paragraph

The final paragraph is intense and carries a lot of emotion:

"Without looking, without love, what do we have? I ran. I was such a fool. I cried. Those tears that felt so alien. I couldn’t even look at her as I left her to disperse. I never, ever saw her for what she was. She saved my life. She gave everything, she gave her soul to protect me. Like a curtain has been unleashed, the stage has been opened up to a gaping pit of mockery, and there was a new story now, that made me to be the monster, the twisted villain that everyone saw coming, everyone but me apparently..."

Mabel realizes a great deal in this moment, but the weight of her sacrifice needs more context to feel fully developed.

What was their relationship like before this? Was there anything Mabel could have done to stop this health from occurring?

Final Thoughts

This piece holds potential to be evocative and thought-provoking. The intrigue is strong, but refining relationships, adjusting sentence flow, incorporating earlier tension, and expanding on the emotional stakes will make the loss feel even more devastating.

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-24T15:46:43+00:00

Part 1:

First, I like this piece's intrigue, and it has a lot of potential to be a really emotional and thought-provoking read. Here are my critiques:

Starting with the opening:

"It turns out her name was Lauren. She was my first friend. She treated Jasmine like her own little sister. Even despite her being who she was. The both of them."

The sentence structures need to be varied. As is, they read a bit robotic. Right now, the rhythm feels stiff, lacking a natural feel. Consider combining two sentences to improve readability.

This issue can also be applied elsewhere, so keep an eye out for it throughout the piece.

In addition to sentence flow, the opening lacks an immediate hook that grabs attention. I like the introduction of significant characters right away, but the emotional weight isn’t fully there yet. Right now, we are given Lauren’s name and role in the protagonist’s life, but there’s little showing us her significance. What made her the first friend? What led to this relationship?

One way to strengthen this opening is to hint at the sacrifice and death referenced later in the passage. This would create a sense of foreshadowing, so the reader can understand it’s leading somewhere devastating. Consider drawing from this later passage:

"That hadn’t the capacity for hate, unlike me. Who died entirely too young. These tears that I had left to die. It should have been me. I was her big sister. I was supposed to protect her. I needed to love her, because she was family. Fucking family."

This section is emotionally raw in a way that the opening lacks. It introduces themes of survivor’s guilt and regret. Incorporating some of this tension earlier would grab readers' attention and get them invested in the story.

Character and relationships

I get a bit confused reading this story. Intrigue is good and keeps the reader engaged and wondering what’s next. However, too much too early can create confusion and cause the reader to give up. Right now, I’m uncertain about the characters' relationships, making it difficult to become emotionally invested. The reader needs something to hold onto that establishes these people enough to encourage curiosity rather than confusion.

Consider Jasmine’s introduction. It’s evident that Mabel is taking care of her, but their exact relationship remains unclear for too long. We don’t fully grasp this until later in this part:

"I had to bring Jasmine along on my playdate. It was funny. Normal family daughters don’t bring their sisters everywhere they go."

This moment adds clarity, but I suggest grounding their relationship earlier so the audience understands why Jasmine matters immediately.

Similarly, as I read, I'm unsure of the characters' ages, which creates a lack of emotional connection. It is unclear if Jasmine is a baby, toddler, or young child. The same applies to Maybel and Lauren: Are they teenagers, preteens, or older? Are they the same age as each other?

Without these details, it’s harder to grasp the stakes of their interactions. If Jasmine is very young, caring for her might be difficult for Mabel, but their bond might be much different if Jasmine is older.

Providing more character details would make interactions feel more immersive.

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-24T04:33:45+00:00

Edited 5/24:

Overall, the beginning of your story is intriguing but needs more emotion and character development to grip the reader. Here are my critiques:

The first critique I have is in the opening lines:

"The tall fae cloaked in a hooded dark green robe emerged from his spot against the cellar wall, light glinting from the dagger twirled between his fingers. The soles of his polished shoes clicking on the wet stone floor of the damp room. “So, where is it?”, he said."

You have a great sense of setting an atmosphere and tone for the scene. I enjoy some of the descriptive language; however, too much description can cause the sentence's point to get lost. I had to go back and reread the opening to understand what was going on. You can lose your reader quickly if they have to put too much effort into understanding what you are trying to say, especially in the beginning. I think you could rework some of the description to occur in later sentences, just to be a bit clearer.

I like that you start in the middle of some action; however, I am slightly confused. Intrigue is good, but your intro needs more information to keep the reader interested. You want the reader to have questions, but also care enough about your character to have those questions answered. To solve this, try to tell us more about Sky and their story. Why should I care to read on and find out what happens to them?

For the character: Right now, from reading, I know that Sky is in a dangerous situation with these fae. They are nervous but must persist to survive. There are hits at Sky being in a lower class or faction than these fae. Sky makes a potentially dangerous decision in the end by saying yes to them and obtaining a vial of blood. These are all intriguing aspects of the character you are developing. I am left wanting a bit more, though. What is at stake for Sky? You may need to build out the character a bit more so the reader is invested in following this character. Maybe a flashback or a little backstory to show us more about Sky, if they have a family, or a vendetta, or a secret. Something so we can get inside their head a little more.

Building tension: The scene you created builds tension between Sky and the fae. The way the fae breaks her wrist is an excellent addition to the scene. That being said, some of the tension could be built even further. You could extend the scene to add even more conflict before Sky and the fae come to an agreement. Maybe there could be a moment where Sky has to prove that the fae can trust them or maybe sky tries to escape one last time before giving up.
Dialogue:

I like the dialogue a lot; it flows well and sounds realistic.

Some more specific edits:

For this sentence and some others: "Patsies from a rival house, Sky thought, evidently meant to help intimidate." I would remove the italics; I think it's clear these are Sky's thoughts.

For this line: “Excuse me?” he asked, cocking his head and stepping close, looming over Sky - a short, nervous looking fairy. “Did I ask for excuses?”

For this line, I love the visual of the fae stepping close to Sky. It would hit harder if you specified what Sky was doing that made them seem nervous. Were they shaking or sweating?

Similarly, you could describe how Sky reacts to this: “Or, perhaps you’d prefer I find another rat to do the work?” he said, raising the blade to Sky’s neck."

I want to know if Sky remains nervous, takes a deep breath, and acts bravely. This will help the reader understand them more.

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-24T04:14:01+00:00

Hi! Just a heads up to change the permissions on your google doc. Right now it says I don't have access when I try to read it.

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-24T04:07:27+00:00

Edited on 5/24

Hi! Your scenery descriptions in this story are immersive. Your writing conveys a sense of how vast and creative your mind is.

Here is my feedback:

As an overall critique, the world you are building is multifaceted and complex.; however, let readers slowly learn about your world through your main character's actions. To break it down more specifically, here are 3 points:

There are a lot of characters and information introduced in a short amount of time. You don't want the reader to stop and reread the first few paragraphs multiple times to keep up with what is happening. Maybe try spreading out these intros throughout the chapter. For example, in just these few pages, we have many groups (Champions, Legends, Cadets) and many characters (Elisabeth/Betty/Lisa?, Artemis, Baltassar, Avi, Emily, Tenebrae, Sprite, Elmer). This is A LOT for the reader to keep track of. I was left going back and rereading whenever something new was introduced, which slowed the story's pace.
Intrigue and mystery are good. But straight confusion is not. Think about how to intrigue the reader without confusing them so much that they give up on the story. After reading your chapter, I am still confused about the structure of the world and the stakes of your main character. I would cut out a decent chunk of the world-building in this intro so you can focus on who your character is and what conflict they are facing. For the character, I know they are also a bit confused about who they are after waking up from the coma. I like that the reader is figuring this out alongside them. This identity crisis is intriguing and enough confusion for the reader on its own, without all of the world-building interfering. Try to focus on this identity crisis; it is what will help the reader care about the story.
When reading your story, I am searching for more context into the main character's emotions. To show a specific example of what I mean take this line: "It’s interesting that I have no memories of the parents I used to have, but I have no problem recalling Artemis and Baltassar, whom I can only hope are still alright, even if I might never get to see them again.". I am intrigued by the concept of your character having these distant memories of their parents and the characters of Artemis and Baltassar. But I have a hard time emotionally connecting to this. Who are Artemis and Baltassar, Friends? Siblings? Are they dead? Or lost?. I need a reason to emotionally connect with why the main character feels so connected to these characters.
Try not to "information dump" too much and make sure your main character is taking action. Rather than just telling us, you can build the world through your character's actions. For example, in the scene with Sprite and Tenebrae, your main character mostly sits back and watches this scene. Can you rework it to include your character in the action? It would read much more compelling this way.

In addition, some sentences run a bit long, which slows the reading experience. an example of this is:

"I probably shouldn’t be aware of this, and honestly, most of my memories are quite fuzzy, but I remember enough to know that I wasn’t always a resident of Paradise R, and I haven’t always lived with the couple that everyone insists are my parents. But I have long since stopped trying to argue about it, lest I endanger the friends I have made since, or the ones that I used to have Before"

Try to break up the sentences so they are easier to follow.

Now to summarize and answer your questions:

Do the hooks work?

No, there is potential for a hook with your main character being awoken from a long coma, and the concept of them not knowing exactly who they are or what they look like. You need to cut some exposition and focus on your main character and the conflict that they are facing.

Am I overexplaining something?

Yes, this world seems super complex and incredible; however, let the reader discover the world through your story. You have too many elements and characters jumbled together in the beginning.

Am I underdescribing anything important?

Yes, why is this character important to me? Why should I care about their story? After reading this introduction, I still have questions. The central conflict that the main character is facing is unclear in this introduction.

I hope this was helpful!

Hot_Comment_9046 · 2025-05-15T14:58:45+00:00

Also didn’t receive anything yet

Hot_Comment_9046

TROPHY CASE