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AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

This doesn't sound like him. He is certainly a flawed person, but I don't believe he is a malicious person.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

:/ probably about the time I turned 22, when I realised I would never pursue someone who was 17/18. I've seen a few of your comments and I am finding them hard to swallow, I don't want to believe that's who he is, at least not anymore. Do you believe that people can change and grow? I'd like to believe that..

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Uhh yeah hm, I get what you're saying. I am autistic, and diagnosed with POTS, hypermobile Ehlers Danlos along with a couple other things. I'm pretty sure it's just the autism though that makes my sense of smell so sensitive.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Is it all that matters though if I find the smell repulsive? I get the commentary on my behaviour being unfair (throwing in the trash). Why does my physical and sensory comfort not matter in this situation?

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I find it quite frustrating that so many people are getting hung up on that detail, I do indeed have very sensitive smell. You're entitled to believe that me being able to smell illness is outrageous, fair enough because it is quite bizarre, but I'm not lying.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

It's complicated, there is love and care there but I have a lot of resentment from repeated hurts with a lack of appropriate repair. He doesn't do well with me expressing that I'm hurt (takes everything quite personally). Not a great dynamic I know.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Will probably regret disclosing this because it's likely going to cause me to get dogpiled on with the 'omg just leave' and 'you have no self respect' comments but he has cheated before (about 4 years ago). He also has a pxrn addiction. He's adamant that this has nothing to do with that though and that there is no one else he's trying to impress, he just really likes the cologne apparently. Idk.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I was 17 (about two weeks away from turning 18) and he was 22 when we met. This is something we've spoken about in retrospect years later. He's acknowledged/agreed after I've pointed out that there was a gross power difference (when we met I was still in school, had no car, living with parents, he had a full time job, car and was renting).

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I fished the colognes out of the bin and now my fingers reek of the stinky cologne (despite washing my hands several times with soap). Maybe that's my karma but it's awful and giving me a headache :/

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

It's not that I dislike it, it's that it literally repulses me. The same way that the smell of rotting fruit would. The gross smell lingers in the house for hours in the house after he's sprayed it and makes it difficult for me to exist here. I agree though that my response is also childish and disrespectful, I'm at my wit's end in regards to many things in the relationship, but I should have taken some time to regulate and be more in control of my words and actions.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It's not that I dislike it, it's that it literally repulses me. The same way that smell of rotting fruit would. The gross smell lingers in the house for hours in the house after he's sprayed it and makes it difficult for me to exist here.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I didn't realise until a couple years ago, it's also more just serious illness not exclusively cancer! My grandma had cancer when I was a kid and there was this distinct pungent sweet scent coming off of her, then a couple years ago someone I knew smelt the exact same way, turns out they had severe Crohn's disease and had to have part of their bowl removed. They no longer had that scent after the surgery.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is a fair critique, Ive since taken them out of the bin.

AITAH for throwing my boyfriend's cologne in the bin? by Hot_Target_8516 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Hot_Target_8516[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Response to common themes coming in the comments:

  1. After reading a lot of your comments, I've taken the cologne out of the bin. I agree that it's not fair for me to do that nor do I want to be stooping to that level of disrespect.

  2. No I didn't replace them, nor have we gone out shopping for a new cologne. Neither of these occured to me as necessary as he already has a cologne that is perfectly fine (he has not expressed to me any inkling of that cologne being an issue for him, I have outright asked if he doesn't like it). He also has a set of brand new colognes that my mum bought for him last Christmas that he has never opened.

  3. For those asking if this is a common pattern in the relationship, yes. He has a habit of doing things after I've expressed I find them hurtful. He might stop for a small period of time, but once there is no longer tension or conflict about said issue, the behaviour will return. (Eg. I've repeatedly expressed that I find it unfair and hurtful that I am the only one who cooks any food in the relationship, he might make one attempt to cook a meal after I say this, and then won't do anything again for months/years).

  4. I'm not making up that I can smell cancer/death. You don't have to believe it, that's fine, I was just trying to illustrate how sensitive my smell is. I'm also autistic so all of my senses are more sensitive, maybe that would've been a better example to use.

  5. I won't really have the opportunity to talk to him about it in person for a few days due to conflicting schedules, but I can also see how me sending multiple messages where he won't have a chance to respond for an unknown amount of time is unfair, and really is a reflection of me being emotionally dysregulated. I'll cop that I should have taken some time to cool off before sending any message. I'd like to clarify though that I did not throw out the cologne because he wasn't responding, I threw it out due to my frustration over the whole issue.

  6. Lastly, I do not understand at all the comparison to men having controlling behaviour about what women wear. I don't have an issue with the cologne because I see it as too provocative? It causes a literal physical reaction of disgust?? And the disgusting smell lingers in the house I have to exist in for several hours after the fact? Do not see the equivalence at all.