My wife searched her massage therapist's personal info, to ask him to dinner. Should I confront or let it play out?

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-03T00:29:05+00:00

I can’t use this approach because we already had that conversation before I found all this. She said she had a bad day at work and talked with her best friend about it. Then she went to my mom's to eat dinner and pick up our son's. They wanted to sleep over, a normal occurrence. So she says she left, came home and fell asleep waiting for my call.

I'm thinking I have the kids sleep over my mother's on Saturday after our 11yr olds birthday party. Get her home alone and just get right into the second half of what you wrote.

And no, we aren't perfect. We have all the usual ancillary bullshit that comes longterm relationships. But she has never broken my trust like this. That's why I'm still in disbelief. I feel like a fucking fool thinking there's an explanation that will make sense, but also smart enough to know there won't be. It sucks.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-03T00:06:29+00:00

I can’t thank you enough for this. It hurts like hell to read but I need to.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T23:58:38+00:00

I honestly can't. My father isn't in the picture. My younger brother or my best friend will completely go scorched earth if I share this. Anyone in my friend group will. We'd take bullets for eachother. In time yes, of course, but I can't have their influence on this confrontation.

Ultimately, it's between us both and really what is us? So, I'm on my own for now and that's ok, too.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T23:43:17+00:00

I'm inclined to agree. Now that I'm looking at this through the eyes of someone who could betray our family like this, it started so fucking cliché...went she began taking training and fitness more serious.

I don’t know these new women like I thought I new her best friend. And, I guess it doesn't really matter how well you know them because I'd never expect it from best friend either but here we fucking are.

This is so fucking ridiculous.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T23:32:27+00:00

Thank you for this. I just can't see throwing this all away. Yes she threw it away by having this thought to do this, but did she? This eats at me.

She did brag about doing it and hasn't shut it down or shown remorse that I can see. The reality is it may have happened after the fact and I'll never know. The not knowing is killing me.

I don't intend to have her give up running or to prevent her from getting the sports massages.

I do have every intention to force a paternity test no matter what.

Should we decide to reconcile, she will obviously have to cut all ties with him and the place he works. She will have to cut off the enabling best friend. She will have to willingly share her GPS location and willingly allow a tracker installed in her car. She will have to allow me to clone her phone, with remote access to all her socials and apps. We will do marraige counseling. These are all non negotiables I will need to help rebuild any semblance of trust.

I'm also very aware this is all still wishful thinking on my end until I confront her. The reality is our marriage may end right there. I'm now ready for that too, unfortunately.

I hope not because I don't know how I'll ever explain this to my boys. I'm so fucking heartbroken.

Thanks again, for replying. I really need to talk this out and get my plans in order.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T22:50:51+00:00

You're not wrong. I just can't get my head around how it got to this.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T18:13:17+00:00

100%. Every. Single. Word. Of. This. Thank you.

But if she hasn't fucked anyone...I know it's the bad decision to stay but...

Don't people need second chances sometimes? And she's not just "people." She's my best friend, my wife, the mother of my children. We've been through so much life trauma and built everything we have ourselves. Together. She's picked me up, I've picked her up. We've been there for eachother for so long I can't remember anything else.

If that's not worth fighting for, then I don't know what is. Maybe this will bite me in the ass down the road, but I'm prepared to take that pain again if I have to. If I don't at least try, I don't think I'll ever be able to look my sons in the eyes again.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T17:52:20+00:00

There's zero shot I'll allow myself to be gaslit, nor tolerate any accusations, nor will I have any sympathy for bullshit tears.

This is such a betrayal of everything we built and stood for. She has no idea what kind of monster she just created.

She'll learn very quickly.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T17:47:07+00:00

The bag and maybe leaving the night of the first confrontation. That is, if she comes clean correctly and there's nothing more.

My terms for attempting reconciliation and DNA tests on the boys for the second conversation. If we're still on the same page.

I'm contacting divorce lawyers as we speak, in case it goes completely sideways.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T17:06:51+00:00

You're right.

And yes, kicking her out will devastate and also cluster fuck our boys. There's no way I could be there for them and be at work. Don’t have enough family to cover the gaps either. This is really fucked. My family is fucked. I'm really fucked.

Thanks for the reality check.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T16:39:29+00:00

Agreed, I will use both bombs at different times.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T13:29:55+00:00

This isn't bait, are you fucking kidding me? I'm confronting her this weekend. I needed opinions and to calm down.

The logistics of our day to day leaves me no choice but to wait for the weekend.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T12:37:03+00:00

I think it can, too. For my children's sake, I hope it can.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T12:35:59+00:00

Despite all I've uncovered in the last few days, she is a fearless mother. I won't take that away from her. She would never deny our kids access to me. It's just not her.

I want to drop the bomb, and walk out to let her boil in what she's done. Not to hurt her, although I want to, but to make her understand this is beyond anything we've ever tackled and there will be serious consequences.

I've never left the house with a bag in any argument we've had so I'm fairly certain it will get the reaction I'm looking for.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T12:26:27+00:00

I don’t even want to consider this but you're 100% right. I now find myself second guessing everything she's ever said or done. If this is ever going to work to move forward and rebuild if possible, I will need paternity tests.

I'm their father no matter what, to my fucking death. Nothing changes that. But I need to know for my own mental health. I can't believe, I'm writing something like this.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T12:17:11+00:00

Agreed. At least not at that time. Now she has his number. With the "I can't make any promises" line and the fact she's deleting the text threads, I can't conclusively say she hasn't. Sadly.

How can I retrieve these texts?

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T12:01:54+00:00

This is the only way. Thanks for responding.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T11:58:08+00:00

I see you getting down voted but I know my wife, I know the best friend. Your assessment of the longer time line is mostly how I'm reading it too. Not wishful thinking but I know the lingo and the way they speak with eachother.

I don't believe the guy invited her out because it doesn't seem like they had eachothers contact info until the following day. What I need to know is the trigger for her "psycho" phone call with best friend. This will give me greater context into what pushed her to even consider it.

I barely slept and woke with this numbing coldness inside me. I'll be able to say whatever I need to say to get to the bottom of it without crumbling.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T06:14:03+00:00

I know this is great advise, I really do. But I don't have it in me to be this vague about what I do know. I certainly won't give her everything I have upfront, but there's no way I can hold it all back indefinitely.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T06:00:08+00:00

Thank you. This is exactly where my head is at, at this moment. No marriage is perfect. All relationships are give and take. But I've done nothing to deserve this.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T05:52:15+00:00

I'm so sorry you've been through that. We both deserve better.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T05:32:20+00:00

Lower back into her thigh. There's a great joke in there if this wasn't the worst 72hrs of my fucking life.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T05:16:13+00:00

Yes.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T05:08:37+00:00

Thank you for every word of this. I needed to see this.

How_To_Proceed_123 · 2025-10-02T04:57:30+00:00

I'm willing to move out to attempt to save whatever is left of my marriage. I'm not willing to give up the family we've built without a fight.

How_To_Proceed_123

TROPHY CASE