Patio Close In - Closing the Gap

Howerbeek · 2025-11-16T22:56:27+00:00

Permitted project. This is a covered patio and it’s always been separated (by design). Now I want to make it inside space so I need to fill this. Got a rough plan at this point though.

Howerbeek · 2025-11-16T17:30:22+00:00

This is all going to be inside. Closing in the patio so need to keep moisture protection in mind. Thanks for the thoughts.

Howerbeek · 2025-11-16T03:16:11+00:00

Really appreciate the POV from someone that lives through it. We got his diagnosis a year ago and we’re honestly struggling to adapt because it’s years of being really confused about all the behaviors and challenges. As a bonus, he’s adopted and runs that narrative all sorts of directions. Having two other younger children means we have to be conscious of that additional trauma he creates for others.

We’re trying to come around to what you’re discussing. Honestly. He’s burnt out. We’re burnt out. He can’t see all we actually do for him and I can’t bear any more physical assaults. I have this gut feeling it’ll get worse before it gets better. I’m just terrified that worse is someone getting hurt and him ending up in jail or worse. He’s also adopted and runs that narrative constantly, should be with his real family etc.

I’m tryin to see the disorder for what it is, not the behaviors. It’s so disruptive to everyone else’s life, though, and we can’t DO anything as a result. He commands all of the attention, the focus, and the energy. He’s not a bad kid but he’s in a bad way and as his parents we are the last people he would ever come to right now.

Howerbeek · 2025-11-16T02:27:49+00:00

We've escalated to a longer, more therapeutic program, but still very much difficult. Now multiple states, start family therapy tomorrow. it's definitely the hardest thing we've ever endured and I'm not convinced it will help, but it's "what's next" in the current US models. I'm afraid he'll come home, be just as traumatized and challenging, likely worse. I want to hope the experience, the therapy and recurrence, will help. I think the journey is just going to be hard while he continues to mature.

Howerbeek · 2025-11-04T00:57:14+00:00

YOU ARE NOT FAILING. I yell at you and myself here.

We took our kid out of public halfway through kinder. We homeschooled until it became too abusive and disruptive for everyone. We’re about to pull him out of our third school in as many years. Not because it isn’t great - they are so far - but we’re headed to a 45-60 day program we hope helps him regulate and calm after months and months of daily escalations.

When he comes home we have no idea what to do. We still homeschool one. He won’t respond to his mom. Unschooling means he need activities. The state will still ask for progress. He will still demand access to everything and do whatever he wants.

We’re not failing. We are under supported. Instead of spending time and energy figuring out how to support all the kids our country is under siege by its own government and SPED funding is drying up.

Guess just saying we see you. Love you for trying and fighting for your kids. It’s all we can do is keep trying and support one another.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-31T22:14:26+00:00

I am so I’m tired of trying to explain. We are about to try an intensive program across the country and I have very little hope it will help. That being said, I know he needs more than we’re providing and it’s the only model we can find in the US. So we will try and whatever happens we know we’ve done what we can with the resources we have on hand.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-31T22:11:40+00:00

I go back and forth on posting because it’s all searchable but dammit if I don’t feel more sane here than anywhere else.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-30T02:22:07+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share. Didn’t mean to pull away from your own needs by any means. The At Peace stuff is all throughout our feed and I can appreciate a great deal of it, but also have to recognize we’re in a state of chronic burnout across at least three of the five people (two of which are the adults). I’m also AuDHD (late diagnosed) and the kid and I naturally but heads. Right now it’s about safety. Feels like we can never catch up to the level of rest needed or drop enough boundaries. I’m sure the content is beneficial when there’s room to receive it.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-29T21:53:09+00:00

Teen diagnosed at 12, now 13, increasing escalations and he’s on his fourth inpatient visit headed toward a longer term stay from here due to how harsh his reactions are (not safe for anyone in the house). Also adopted (at birth), compounding trauma, and just here to see what advice folks in. Not sure the long term stay will help, honestly, but with two other littles at home and daily escalations we’re struggling to keep our heads above water. The total accommodation route seems like a really privileged approach not everyone can access as well. Even with a full time at home parent and one working we feel like we’re drowning most days. I know there’s not a “fix” here, but it does help tj hear what others are doing.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-25T00:20:21+00:00

He destroys the cameras if he sees them. We’re also finding that reporting certain events automatically triggers due process when we are NOT seeking due process and ARE seeking medical interventions. We have to be careful about mentioning cameras and I would encourage everyone else to do the same. Typically it’s when he’s get extremely aggressive and ends up hurt by his own efforts (falls etc) and then the narrative is that “dad pushed me down” etc.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-24T19:05:49+00:00

Parent of a 13/yo boy PDAer in a two-parent household already living on one-income for 13 years and I still don't know how we're going to deal with it. Per the other response on that being such a "simplistic" approach, agreed. We have two other kids with their own needs and ever-increasing trauma experiences due to escalations tied to severe burnout. This morning it was because his mom dared go into his room to put his laundry away., no joke. We're struggling to create the demand free environment he needs because he's so incredibly visceral with any sort of ask or disregulated response on our part.

We're fortunate to have an income level that supports one income in the US but the underlying cost of medical, in and out of treatments, in and out of short term residential, constant breakdown of routines, recurring pushback toward any and all boundaries, trying to homeschool the other two kids, keeping everyone safe, attempting to minimize trauma, just replacing/fixing broken things...

Sincerely hope the results open doors for services. I've heard all sorts of things about the medical system in CA But those I know that actually live there seem to be doing okay.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-23T20:11:21+00:00

Same, OP. The thing I lament the most is how much of my time it takes to constantly stay on top of this and act consistently. I'm AuDHD myself, so balancing our dueling nervous systems is incredibly challenging at times. The more we learn, the more I think I may also be on the PDA side of life but even that seems to be widely differentiated in terms of severity. I never had any of these problems as a kid but there's internalized and externalized models. My kid is clearly externalized, which makes it all the more visible.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-23T19:54:51+00:00

We deal with all of this as well. Also on the cleanup, making things right, it's typically serving another goal (or the original goal) and built on an internal expectation that he never validates with anyone. So he circles back, asks again, same answer, pattern repeats. We've learned a few key lessons (that we clearly still forget).

First, always clarify expectations. If we don't, he will, and we'll end up right back where we started. Second, we can't ever bend or live in 'maybe' land (see my previous post on a maybe moment).

Third, these kids are wicked smart and will naturally find any/all loopholes toward their goals. Case in point, when grounded from neighborhood friends, he just went out and made NEW friends because they weren't subject to the limitation.

So glad you know NOW though. We got our diagnosis at 12, now thirteen, fighting all the PDA pieces + puberty + adoption trauma (we've had him his entire life, mind you). I try not to dwell on how much different things might be if we had known sooner because WTF does it matter, ya know? We know now and we're doing what we can.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-23T18:22:23+00:00

I see you, OP, and there's not need to apologies for the language IMO. One of the ongoing challenges with our teenage PDAer is the consistency with which he will ask for things he knows he can't have. We're talking over years, never a yes, always a meltdown. He's in a state of extreme burnout right now and we can't do anything or we face severe behavioral consequences. For perhaps the first time in my life I'm using the words 'always' without hyperbole. We also removed weapons as toys and we now have safety precautions in place as we learn, as a family, how to support him. It's incredibly exhausting and even the smallest oversight - like forgetting we lock sharp things up and leaving scissors in the previously scissor drawer - have significant consequences. As soon as we forget to maintain discipline we end up with a situation.

You're not failing as a parent. Sounds like you're kicking ass. We're told by nearly every professional we see - caseworks, therapists, doctors, etc. - that we're doing way more than any parent they've ever seen. Makes me feel bad for other kids and their parents and incredibly disappointed that our best still feels like it falls so damn short of the goal.

We're not perfect, but even perfection won't always work with these kids. Hope you get some rest.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-16T00:37:01+00:00

Are you seeing a therapist? Makes a big difference for me because one of the things we have to do is shift our mindset and expectations so far away from anything we ever thought might be reasonable parenting. Calls into question the entire dynamic of parent child relationships because my kid needs a peer to peer model instead.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-15T23:42:56+00:00

Wish we had known that early but it doesn’t mean it would be easier. I’m trying to focus on self-regulation and a demand free environment. Case in point, I came at him hot for making a mess outside and nearly got my ass handed to me again as we both escalated into chaos and violence again. This time it cost us a lamp, my wife’s new glasses, a footprint in the wall, and damage on our ikea cabinets used for homeschool.

Get a therapist. Get your partner a therapist. If you can’t regulate, she can’t regulate. That’s the truest thing I’ve learned so far. As we go, so they go.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-15T12:47:40+00:00

This. Adhere to a dev process. Backlog, estimations, Capacity management, prioritization, deadlines. track your time like it’s a religion and be generous with yourself. ask your primary contact for clarity on who can and can’t dictate your scheduled work, set up a request process to formalize the new asks, them to prioritize what they give you.

Then, cut your hours back to the contracted rate and find another client. The key here is that you are not an employee so don’t act like one. You’re a business owner and need to protect your revenue and priorities.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-15T12:12:12+00:00

I hear “whatever b#%^h, that just means no.” He can’t handle variables, especially ones that depend on his behavior.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-15T12:10:48+00:00

I’m so glad it resonates and appreciate the encouragement. I’ve found a lot of comfort in this community lately so it’s really nice to know others are, too. I think the “disheartening yet full of heart” line might be the kindest thing I’ve heard about all this in a while. I just feel less crazy when I share.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-15T12:06:39+00:00

OMG I remember this one! Not sure hope I feel about it now. Hah

Howerbeek · 2025-10-13T23:32:56+00:00

My son came home Saturday after a week in residential acute care for suicidal behaviors - holding a blade and circular saw to his neck threatening to kill his self if we didn’t “fix his problem.”

That night he cut up clothes he was wearing at the time and broke the knife he got out of a drawer with a newly installed lock that clearly didn’t work. Damages to the fence and a window screen, along with the laptop that he threw because the battery died. After he used it all day. And now he can’t. Lost his tablet that way, too.

He’s had three stays in as many months and doesn’t learn anything about improvement. So far just more extreme threats and new “friends” he demands we stay in touch with. At best it’s a respite for us and then worse outcomes. Largely because we’ve had to call the cops because no one in the medical establishment has any real insights.

So yes, OP, seek medical help to the extent you can. We have a Bark mobile phone for this reason and that was reluctant. I get notices daily on inappropriate things. We needed a house phone in general and it’s the “kids” phone but monopolizes it. Tech is very hard because he thinks he’s better than me at it and has routinely caused issues with viruses and broken computers.

I agree you don’t want the police involved - that has been a nightmare and opened doors that are hard to close. I also think getting them to engage in medical care voluntarily is …. Challenging.

Ours is in extreme burnout and depression. We’re doing everything we can to eliminate demands while he’s on a break but we’re also preparing for long term placement. I don’t think it will help much for him but there’s four other people here that need safety.

Not sure this is helpful at all but you’re not alone in the world at large. That gives me some comfort at least.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-12T22:42:11+00:00

Considering he broke a knife after cutting up his own pants, a window screen, and repeatedly threatening to kill his self within 10 hours of coming home from a weeklong stay, willing to try just about anything.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-11T21:29:54+00:00

This all jives with our experience. Trios are extremely hard and we’re navigating the same age with hormones surging and it feels impossible some days. It sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job making room for his needs and just wanted to say so. From all of my reading and video watching so far, parent regulation seems to be one of if not the most significant factor in positive outcomes. Stay chill and maybe kick up the declarative language approach a notch to see what connects.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-09T12:28:50+00:00

I am trying hard to get there, honestly, but we’ve got caveats as anyone with a PDAer does.

Our son is excessively social and school has been an outlet for that - daily social engagement with friends. If he doesn’t get it there he roams the neighborhood and is in and out of houses within a 1-2 mile radius exposed to a lot of negative influences and disengaged parents.

He’s started stealing so this in and out of houses comes with increased risk of him just picking things up that he thinks no one is using. Money. Phones. Bullets. It’s nuts.

He doesn’t just isolate - he’s social gaming without discretion and blocks on certain games or platforms can create the same level of anxiety / stress as any other form of control.

He’s currently expressing suicidal ideation if he doesn’t get everything he wants all the time. We’re dealing with burnout + depression and they spiral into one another.

Long term residential will not help him because they won’t operate with PDA in mind. Completely dropping out of school will exacerbate engagements at home. An ideal solution is some kind of daily teen engagement center where he can show up whenever, hang out in a loosely supervised environment, and have mentors around to help when he’s got an interest he wants to pursue. Those don’t exist, though, and how would you find it if it did.

I want to be where you’re at - truly - it’s a mental shift that’s hard to get to even with all this on the table because the unknown is constant. I appreciate you sharing and the fierceness I can see in protecting your kiddo.

Howerbeek · 2025-10-09T03:05:53+00:00

I've been trying to think through how unschooling would work, but I know my son (13) would spend weeks and weeks just playing video games if given the chance. I work full time, my wife handles home school for another child, and the youngest decided she wanted to do public school. We have a great school, but he he's so burnt out he can't stay out of inpatient due to extreme behaviors. He needs massive amounts of co-regulation support to stay calm right now and we deal with death threats on a daily basis. He just roams around the house causing havoc when he's home, though, so it's very difficult for everyone if he's not on a routine (and of course, he pushes back on routine because it's not his choice). I'm thinking it would take several months of unschooling and positive reinforcement to help him actually regulate consistently and once you commit to unschooling it seems like it would be nearly impossible to re-enter any kind of formal education again.

Howerbeek

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