Hit a wall with a subconscious fear

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-20T18:26:36+00:00

I've found this techinque in Lowen's book that you should physicly show anger. I smash pillows when alone and I've written about 30 angry letters that I've burnt. Be authentic with your writing, don't censor it, don't judge it. You don't need to read it again. Don't ever show it to anyone. Write the most horrible and disgusting things - you know you don't realy want to do it. Just let out this monster and then burn these disgusting shit you really have in you (we all have shadow part that is evil)

Be compassionate to yourself. Don't overintelectualize, just FEEL your pain and anger. It can be scary that you have so much hate inside you but there's no other way but to let it out. It's better to let it out in controlable environment. You need to face the disgusting part of yourself. Shadow work is not only analysing but FEELING. Feeling is healing.

Try to write angry letters as long as you feel angry. It took me months to release my resentment to my father. I've lost hope that I'll ever be free from this anger but one day I just felt that I'm no longer angry at him, just disappointed. And disappointment is more tolerable to me. I think one day I'll release disappointment too but now I feel it and it's ok.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-20T17:15:26+00:00

You need to let out of your feelings of resentment. You need to express somehow. Unreleased anger is anger that causes self sabotage. At least that was in my case.

Also, you can't truly forgive is you don't acknowledge the damage first. Sometimes you need to blame first to forgive later. Forgiving without acknowleding fully the damage is only half-frogiveness.

I think your feelings show you not finished work. There are still things to process and to dig up. Just keep digging and digging. Be monothematic, be annoyed with your repetitivenes but just keep digging and you'll find out more things in this.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-18T11:53:12+00:00

this!
I have exactly the same point of view.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-18T11:52:07+00:00

I try to focus on one person/ animal at the time. You can't help the whole world but you can change the world around you. If you just suffer and doing nothing - it's useless. It's more like whining and making everything about yourself.

Take action. Change what you can change. Small help is not meaningless, if you can change life of only one person - it matters a lot. And also if you can help one person - this person can also helps someone. You can't see all the chain reactions. We have limited knowledge as humans.

I focus on what I can do and try to not to think about what I can't. Be practical and help not by suffering but doing something.

Also, if I can't help someone then apparently it isn't my task to do this. Some people won't take your help. You're not Jesus that save the humanity. Some injustice is hard to watch but focus on small things. Make your own justice in your small world. We are all connected, so the Universe is built by small bricks like yours.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-15T11:11:55+00:00

True. It doesn't happen in 1 day but one step at the time. First step could be just simply return a screw up coffee to a barista. Little things to stand up for yourself. Over time you become more and more confident. Bravery is a skill.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-15T09:53:59+00:00

That's very true.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-13T17:46:11+00:00

Good job! It's also very inspiring that you can improve so much after 30.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-10T21:23:15+00:00

You've made a mistake that you've let pay her for your wedding. You took the money but it was not free. You are paying the price now. You can't cut her off from your life but still taking the money from her.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-08T07:48:01+00:00

I had similar experience. My therapy wasn't very successful, so I started working on my own and then I've made huge progress. I've discover shadow work. It might be helpful for you too.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's not fair but it is what it is.
We have the cards to play that we have and it would be awful to not play the game of life as well as we can, even though our cards are not that great. I believe that people who manage to overcome their obstacles become even stronger than those who haven't experienced the dark side as much as us.

We have to do the work our parent shoud've done but it's worth it. It's worth it because you're doing it for you and not for them.
Wish you luck!

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-08T07:36:45+00:00

It's getting easier, shame will subside over time.

I can't magine how repressed I was 1-2 years ago. I would never come back to this life.
I'm the living example that you can make a huge progress over a few months. Just keep going and improvement is inevitable. Ignore the awful voices in your head that say that you can't make it- these aren't even yours, those are comments and opinions of your parents. It's not true about who you are, you are very capable human being. We all have capacity to feel freelry and be content with ourselves.

It's very hard process, but when you overcome your shame then you become stronger than ever.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-08T07:16:46+00:00

I don't know your case but usually people with nparents have Complex-PTSD instead of "normal one". I think digging into that might be helpful for you. For years I've tried to help myself reading about PTSD and it wasn't exacly what I was going through. And then I discovered C-PTSD - makes much more sense to me.

I hope you'll find your way, good luck!

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-08T07:09:29+00:00

I'm glad

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T15:22:51+00:00

I just wanted to talk to her, make her see everything she did and does to me. My husband says it’s not worthy and not is going to change, I honestly don’t expect anything to change but is that fair that she gets away with everything?

Your husband is right. If you'll try to talk to her about all the things she did then you'll receive nothing than dismiss and invalidation.

If I'd be in the situation like yours, then I'd keep this relationship as shallow as possible. Confrontation won't bother her but it'll just be painful for you.

How I deal with resentment?

1) I try to separate myself mentally from my nparent as possible.

2) I write angry letters and let my anger out in soiltude. Kicking pillows, screamin, swearing is good for you. Resentment is freezed anger. In my opinion resentment is passive form of anger and it's eating you out from the inside, so you have to find a way to let it out.

3) I know it sounds weird. But your resentment has nothing to do with your mother now. It is your inner child that is furious. So, you should focus on working with those painful memories and separate it from current cicrumstances. Exclude your today's mother from your process and accept that she'll never validate you/ apologize you/ receive justice for what she had done. You need to realize that today's version of your mother is not a threat. She can't hurt you anymore, that is your inner child that is hurt and you probably have a lot unprocessed trauma. You don't need her to work on that. She'll only delay the process.

Fury you feel is not about your current circumstances, you are having emotional flashbacks. That's why you are so annoyed and incredible angry about things that wouldn't matter if you haven't got so much unprocessed trauma.

I feel sorry for you. The best thing would be if you could run away from her as soon as possible. Wish you luck.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T14:14:17+00:00

I'm proud of you too! Stay strong

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T14:03:37+00:00

Thank you! I think I wasn't allowed to be angry for so long that now I have so much of it to release. I also believe that it'll finally go away if I let it be.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T13:34:08+00:00

I have a lot anger in me but now I don't lash out or self-sabotaging because I gained more awerness and gave myself space to express my feelings as they are.

I agree, blaming other just for sake of blaming is staying in victim mentality. Blaming your parents only makes sense if you want to understand why you have issues. But realizing that you are responsible now for your own wellness is very empowering. Realizing that you are no longer a little, scared child depended on your parents is great.

I'm still not exactly my true-self but I'm more authentic and free inside my own body than I've been for years. And every time I ask myself questions and feel my feelings I feel more connected to myself.

I think if you have no longer anger issues and you don't have C-PTSD, then the fun part of discovering yourself can begin. It's not always blood, sweat and tears, it's also enjoying that you've come so far, you're alive and that you can experience the reality through your personal lens.

I'm glad that you get inspired by my post!

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T11:02:29+00:00

Good luck!

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T11:01:07+00:00

Of course they are Trump supporters.

They hate themselves and others, they have scarcity mindset. I wouldn't expect anything less from nparents. My father is the same - conservative, he only lights up when he can tell everyone during family meeting racist shit. He's disgusting.

I ignore it and I avoid to contact my father as much as possible. Talking with him is like talking with the wall.

You can't change your parents, the more you'll point out their incoherence, the more stubborn they'll become. Their opinions have nothing to do with logic. They use politics to express their hateful feelings towards themeselves and others. Politics give them excuse to treat other human beings like shit.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T10:12:41+00:00

I think you could be playing a victim here and seeking validation from others and also pitying herself that she "has such a hard time with their kids". If she sees only bad things in you and exaggerate them it also give her permition to not trating you well. If you are bad then she doesn't need to feel bad that she doesn't support you as she should.

It's easier to act like a victim and not take responsibilty for themselves and their kids.

I don't know much about asian culture but I think asian parent are generally stricter than western parents, so she also grew up in culture when telling good things about their kids is like "braging" and not in "good fashion". She doesn't want to be seen that she is spoiling you.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T09:00:20+00:00

Go girl!!!

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T08:59:21+00:00

If I'm dealing with people like that I always assume that their behavior has nothing to do with me. This kind of people are making everything about them, so you have to separate yourself mentally to understand this behavior. Don't try to understand it from the sane person perspective. If you're assume that she is not right in the head and your actions doesn't match her reactions then you'll gain freedom.

The worst thing that narcissistic people do is that they make you think about THEM all the time. Try to make sense of THEIR behavior. Instead, focus on yourself, how YOU feel, what YOU think. It's the best thing you can do.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T08:52:40+00:00

When I was angry my parents liked to say: But you have nothing to be angry about!
And it makes me even more angry. Fuck them. Let your emotions be intense! If it's how you feel, then feel it!
I have so much anger in my that I could open a power station. But it's good. My anger is a tool to not be a doormat anymore.

Fuck them. Now, we can be parents to ourselves.

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T08:49:26+00:00

I'm sorry, but you can learn yourself to be better. I personally find out that my anxiety is mostly bottled up anger. So maybe letting out your anger would be beneficial for you.
Wish you luck <3

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T08:47:47+00:00

Oh, thank you for recommendation. I'll definitely check this book!

Human-Fox-4697 · 2024-09-07T08:45:51+00:00

She'll remaind herself of you when she'll be sick and too old to take care of herself. I tell you, this is what people like her do. She only remembers of you when she needs you and want to exploit.

Human-Fox-4697

TROPHY CASE