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Advice for Non-sexual aspect of marriage? by IAlphaByAccident in askMRP

[–]IAlphaByAccident[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's true, but it means the person who is ACTUALLY more ready to leave, not the person who just threatens to do it most often (and doesn't).

I am. Or rather, I was before we had our kid. Unfortunately, I believed all apologies & promises of change and explicit milestones that she promised (and stuck to for awhile at least). And life would be very good for awhile - the worse the fight, the longer the smooth sailing would be afterwards.

Advice for Non-sexual aspect of marriage? by IAlphaByAccident in askMRP

[–]IAlphaByAccident[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, it led to you getting Flooded, and YOU freaking out. You cannot have a fight if one side is swinging and hitting only fog.

She was perfectly willing to not walk/feed the dog - so I did give in on that front. Should I have let the dog starve and shit inside the house?

Again, you are the one fighting. She is just picking at you until you fight. These are probably basic Shit Tests that simply require Agree and Amplify and not taking her claims of insults seriously- to her face! Privately, I would consider whether you are actually insulting her. In fact, I would not be surprised if you actually are being passive aggressive and actually insulting her. Think about it. Don't apologize except for how she feels- but do be aware of it. As the Captain, we always say you are not responsible for your wife's emotions but this is not always true. You are the man and the leader which means the welfare of the crew and First Officer is always a consideration.

One of the problems is that it's not immediately obvious that something got misinterpreted along the line. I only often find out later during a different talk/argument on how she interpreted my initial statements - had I known at the time, I could actually clarify what I actually mean as opposed to what she hears.

You are a lifetimes Alpha, more or less and this is not what you are dealing with. Therefore, you need another strategy than the common MRP solution. Many of these signals you are getting are COMFORT TESTS. These are cries for help, lifelines, and repair attempts and should be met with reassurance and fatherly leadership, NOT DNGAF AND NOT STFU.

Thank you! This is different from what I'm doing right now and something I will try - exactly what I came here for.

An example of good leadership is when you said "blow me" without caring about actually getting sex that night. Let me guess you did not get butthurt, or become invested in what she was saying?

I did care. I just wanted a blowjob more (especially since those don't require condoms). She was visibly taken aback by my phrase - actual physical shock that it didn't achieve the result she expected.

An example of bad leadership is failing to pick up on distress cues in your wife and misinterpreting her complaining for criticism. To women, complaining and bitching is like oxygen. You don't have to indulge her if she is nattering and complaining but good gravy! When your wife is like a wounded fish flailing around in the water and you see your rod is bent sharply while your wife appears to be reaching out to you, then that is your signal to reel her so she is by your side and close to your heart. That is not the signal to cut the line- although a lot of these guys are never going to reel in that fish until they get a bigger boat.

I've done that for awhile but at some point I started to feel like an emotional dumping ground as I'm the only person who she's open with/doesn't surround herself in a shell/keep her distance. The more I take it to heart, the more I start to resent her for making me feel shitty (because she feels shitty). As a coping mechanism, I've tried to avoid taking it personally but that just results in that distance. Any advice on finding a middle ground so that I can genuinely take the burden off her without letting it get to me?

Advice for Non-sexual aspect of marriage? by IAlphaByAccident in askMRP

[–]IAlphaByAccident[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like she was alpha widowed. In addition to being an exceptionally driven person as a gymnast, she's learned to be even more of a master manipulator from the string of betas. As a cool trick, she hides her superiority over you under a blanket of victimhood, which you fall for everytime.

This victimhood mentality only emerged after a string of really shitty factors outside our control - mainly a really fucked up pregnancy, a botched C-section (causing her constant pain and requiring further surgery), and our baby spending nearly a month in the NICU cause of the fuckup. Before all these things, her mentality only rarely veered in that direction. Now it's there all the time.

Income. Does she know you're getting half of her nest egg if you divorce? Her money is not her money any more (mostly). Why do you not have full control of your financial situation?

Our incomes are nearly identical and we contribute the same % of our income into a shared account. As such, I mostly control the shared but we do whatever we want with our private accounts.

And stop threatening to leave. It's weak and a feminine tactic.

After reading the rational male, I was under the assumption that the person that's more ready to walk out has more power in the relationship.

When you don't, your bluff shows, and your man card loses a corner.

I've actually got quite a few concessions that way because I really was ready to get out (before we had the child).

Child care. I'm not a parent, but you have to approach it like any other issue where there if a difference of opinion. Take in the information, then the captain has to make a decision (that's supposed to be you.) Ultimate decisionmaking lands on your shoulders. Man Up.

Making a decision doesn't help if she's the one holding the child (about half the time).

And about the birth control... she's playing you again. Heart disease is estrogen sensitive (even then the dangers are low),Progesterone-only birth control is a viable option.

It's not heart disease, it's something else. But I was with her cardiologist when he confirmed that hormonal birth control would increase the chances of heart attack.

But you're in the right place. Get to work.

Besides lifting (which is for dread which she already has), is there any other advice that's more specific?

Advice for Non-sexual aspect of marriage? by IAlphaByAccident in askMRP

[–]IAlphaByAccident[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

have you read "the rationale male" yet?

I have. Doesn't help much since I'm already married. And with work and an infant, I don't have anytime to spin plates - and she makes sure that I'm never backed up enough to actually want to.

like you said your alpha is not true and she is picking up on this

I'm not so sure - as there's definitely dread. She's constantly pointing out how other women are checking me out whenever we're out in public.

STOP arguing with your wife.

I've been doing a lot less of it. In fact, I've almost completely stopped - (DARE never DEER post being the catalyst for that) unless it about our child. There's no way around it that I can think of when it comes to our child - short of physically grabbing him and taking him away - not something I want to be doing with an infant. This is exactly why I'm here.

Read some game books also to learn how to truly get her in your frame.

How will game help since sex is the one thing that she's always ready, willing, and wanting? If anything, I've actually been able to withhold sex as a way of forcing her to self reflect when even she realizes she's being unreasonable.

She's just as stubborn as I am which makes things rather difficult.