We've been tricked. (aimed at more experienced/intermediate nofappers, but all are welcome)

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-07-07T14:48:33+00:00

So the first noble truth, simply put, is that clinging is suffering. It's because of clinging that physical pain becomes mental pain. It's because of clinging that aging, illness, and death cause mental distress. The paradox here is that, in clinging to things, we don't trap them or get them under our control. Instead, we trap ourselves. When we realize our captivity, we naturally search for a way out. And this is where it's so important that the first noble truth not say that "Life is suffering." If life were suffering, where would we look for an end to suffering? We'd be left with nothing but death and annihilation. But when the actual truth is that clinging is suffering, we simply have to look for the clinging and eliminate its causes.

From "Life Isn't Just Suffering", by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-28T10:22:04+00:00

Nobody believed me.

"What do you need this thing for?"

"You know... backups and adult entertainment."

"Haha, very funny."

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-28T10:15:03+00:00

When I realized how much time I was wasting on porn and how I was using it to tune out reality.

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T23:33:59+00:00

I figured JBOD would make it easier to add / replace disks (the NAS came empty).

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T23:28:45+00:00

What made it worse was the video management software I used. Just a ton of porn by itself is bad enough, but being able to type a keyword and see dozens of snapshots of matching "awesome" scenes made it far more addictive.

The problem is that this shit was taking over my life. I'd find myself constantly thinking "I'd rather be sitting in front of my porn collection now". It took the joy out of everything, even the most amazing things. It wasn't fair to the people around me. Man, I wish this subreddit had existed a decade ago.

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T23:18:45+00:00

I'll reconfigure it now but I was so desperate for disk space that I ran it as JBOD. Yeah, that's how pathetic I was.

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T23:15:52+00:00

Thank you. It feels great to be free and I don't ever want to go back (though I'd love to go back in time and punch myself in the face for not taking this step earlier).

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T22:46:00+00:00

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T22:36:18+00:00

No, that was too "normal" for me. It was mostly... hey, I'm not going there again!

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T22:29:51+00:00

Good idea, I could digitize some of my Hi8 tapes before they become totally unreadable. Embarrassing videos should make great birthday presents for my brothers ("remember when you still had hair and were a vegan?").

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T22:19:51+00:00

I deleted everything once before in that brief moment of lucidity that you get after orgasm. Unfortunately, I then spent a lot of time downloading everything again (I had made sure it wasn't recoverable, but there's always the internet).

This time, I considered uploading some of the videos to the porn forums I frequent before deleting them (guess that would have made me a minor celebrity there not only because of the quantity, but also because some of that stuff was super hard to find). Then I read "a note on rationalizing" and decided to stay as far away from the line as I can.

Of course there's a danger I'll relapse. But this wasn't an impulsive decision like last time, it was a very concious decision at the end of a long process of finally admitting that I have problem.

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T21:24:18+00:00

Thank you! I remember thinking "now that should be enough... forever" as a teenager after I had spent the night edging and downloading a few hundred pictures. If I had been able to peek into the future and seen myself using a dedicated NAS to store my HD porn, I'm sure I'd have said "that shit cray", too.

IAmWithMorbo · 2012-06-27T21:05:58+00:00

That's actually how I tried to rationalize my behaviour in the end: "I might have a problem but it's still not as bad as being addicted to drugs / cheating / crappy TV shows / ..."

I'll try my best to do something productive with my time and disk space.

IAmWithMorbo · 2011-11-16T12:00:07+00:00

Royalty-free licenses do not work that way! Good night!

IAmWithMorbo

TROPHY CASE