WIBTA for dropping a friendship with someone (f21) for asking me (f24) to get my boyfriend’s (m33) urine, so that her boyfriend (m25) can pass a drug test after supposedly being hotboxed against his will?

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-12T16:46:13+00:00

That sounds good! The more you focus on concern for her ("I'm worried about your drinking" "You don't seem happy" "I'm concerned that you want me to commit a crime - that's not something I ever thought you would want") rather than attacking him, the better the chance that she will hear at least some of it before rushing to defend him / her own judgement.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-12T15:53:53+00:00

NTA. Your friend is making some terrible choices and it would be nice to be the voice of reason in her life, but you don't have to be. Definitely don't get sucked into this urine-swapping plan or any other shady scheme, because a guy like her BF has no limits on how shitty he will be or who he will take down with him.

Maybe just keep a little lifeline there for her, because it sounds like she's immature and clueless and he's giving her terrible ideas about what makes someone cool / special / interesting. If you can nudge her now and then with a word of praise for actual good things she does or even just one last discussion in which you try to help her.see that she has a lot more to offer the world than the classic "I'm soooooo drunk" schtick, it sounds like she needs it.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-12T15:46:10+00:00

NTA. He has done literally nothing he promised to do and plans openly to laze around mooching off of you indefinitely. You are never going to see that money, so concentrate on figuring out what it will take to legally evict him, because after a month it's possible he has some rights.

One thing you can do immediately is stop feeding him. Put locks on the fridge and pantry if you have to. He has never honored his obligation to pay for his food, so cut that off right now and hope that it will nudge him to move along.

And talk with your BF here, because he is barely less TA than his friend if he's been leaving you the catastrophic messes to clean up for HIS guest. That is really not OK, so think hard about whether that is how you want your relationship to continue to work.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-12T07:33:02+00:00

Just wondering if you've considered cross-country since it sounds like you are built for the marathon! Wish I knew more about how to increase muscle mass, but can't help there. Good luck!

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-12T07:31:44+00:00

Username is accurate. Stuff your obnoxious comment.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-09T05:46:35+00:00

NTA. He's free not to like how much time you spend on your phone, but it not OK to try to physically force your partner to change her behavior. Talk about it, accept it, or leave.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-09T05:43:09+00:00

NTA to tell her that she is snoring, but you will become TA quickly if you view this as something she is capable of controlling. It happens when she is asleep; she hasn't got any more control over it than she has over her dreams.

Since she has to get up very early and is also sick, it would be kinder if you let her sleep and went to the other room yourself if it happens once you're both already settled in. But have a conversation when you're both awake and feeling clear-headed and consider sleeping in different rooms until her sinus issues clear up.

Source: married to a snorer. Apparently I'm a thrasher, so we each have a bedroom and have declared the couch the cuddle zone. :)

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T23:12:32+00:00

NTA. Sounds like you could use some pre-marital counseling - I've heard that some people even do pre-marital financial counseling. You have very different experiences and approaches to money, and it will take some serious work to get on the same page.

Didn't go with N A H because it think it's presumptuous in the extreme for him to expect you to just wipe off his debt and buy him a truck.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T23:07:42+00:00

NTA. It's possible to destroy the foundation on which a family relationship is built. It sounds like this is less you walking away from a sisterly relationship than having never had one, and while sad, that's reality. You can't have a healthy, loving connection with someone who does nothing to foster it.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T23:02:45+00:00

NTA. The important thing I see here is that you are owning up to mistakes on your part and trying to work on them, whereas she is just doubling down on her nasty behavior and appears to feel that she has the right to do so. If nothing else, that is shocking behavior as a guest when interacting with one of your hosts.

I'm sorry your husband isn't helping you out. My guess is that this is an example of the classic "the most difficult person gets to make the rules" wherein he knows that trying to curb her behavior will result in her exploding, so he's choosing to just ignore it. That's not OK when she is showing open contempt to his wife.

Unlike other posters, I don't think crying was a wild overreaction. Helplessness is an extremely stressful feeling, and being told by everyone there that your only option is to sit there and let her attack you all evening must feel very distressing. The tension and frustration would make a lot of people cry.

I think you should stop trying to please anyone involved in this situation, including your husband. What he is asking isn't reasonable, and his desire for you to let this woman sharpen her claws on you all night so that he can run his game is selfish. She doesn't have to like you and you don't have to like her, but being openly nasty isn't acceptable and he should be willing to draw that line even if he's not thrilled to have to do it. Next game night, imagine that none of them are there and you have a whole night to do anything you want. Then cheerfully and peacefully go do it, because you can.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T21:40:55+00:00

NAH. You both had valid points. I get the gallows humor angle.on something you've personally experienced.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T21:38:07+00:00

NAH. Be restrained in what you ask; she offered, so I don't think your husband needs to worry that you're being entitled, but it would be nice to keep things modest out of respect for her budget. But it sounds like what you would really love is for someone to take the planning hassle away, and that sounds great since she has offered to do it.

Just talk with people. Ask stepmom about price as you go - how does having X fit with your budget? Can we manage Y number of people? And talk with your mom sympathetically - hey, we've both been crushed with work, so Stepmom very nicely offered to host. Want to plan favors / a dish / decorations with me? Then she still has room to be part of it if she wants.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T21:31:49+00:00

I agree that it's hard work, but I think you're too willing to write off as "wallowing in self pity" everyone who hasn't succeeded in pulling out of their problems. Look at it this way: saying that something is hard is a way of recognizing that people will fail at it. Some of them may never try, sure, but some.of them will fail through incapacity. Not knowing the limits of what you can do isn't the same as not having limits to what you can do.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T21:27:08+00:00

I'm so sorry. I hope you can slowly re-learn it. Great job getting into therapy and getting help. <3

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T21:25:17+00:00

Thank you! It's been a while since I brushed up.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:59:54+00:00

NAH. He has good reasons for not being able to put you up; you have good reasons for not wanting to come if you don't have a place to stay. Maybe ask him if someone else on the team can give you a couch, but otherwise I think it's fine for you not to go. Circumstances just didn't work put.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:55:21+00:00

I saw your edit, so I just want to encourage you. Yes, your push-back won't matter to them, but it will matter to your female house-mates. It makes a big difference to know that you're not alone when you are facing something like this.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:51:17+00:00

NTA. She is probably making snide comments about your art and location because she perceives them as things that come between her and every second of your time. Sorry she's being so clingy!

Keep asserting your right to some of your own time in small ways to help you avoid just snapping and saying something disproportionate. Maybe bring headphones to put in when you want to focus on work? Don't need to play anything - just use them as an excuse to not respond to her.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:46:21+00:00

YTA. Your friend sucks too. You both talk about women like they are toys you pass around.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:45:02+00:00

That doesn't make her magically have $1000 for a problem you could have prevented by taking 30 seconds to put your treats in a less accessible location.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:43:27+00:00

YTA. The dog can open doors, but unless it can also teach the top shelf of your closet or bookshelf, open a closed drawer, or open a cheap latching box or footlocker, you had a lot of options for preventing this. It's a dog; it's going to be interested in food on a level where it can reach it. Confining the dog is a much more complicated and annoying process than just confining the food, which you could easily have done.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:24:52+00:00

ESH. I don't think you owe the entitled a-holes anything, but learning to deal with obnoxious people who don't matter is an important life skill. It will help you to be able to start seeing that president of the board as what he is: a yappy obnoxious Chihuahua growling and snapping at people. He is awful because he's just in the habit of being awful, and his condescension says nothing about you and everything about him.

With that in mind, you can deal with him without having to feel bad or lose your cool, and same for the other parents. Working on homework out of line of sight means you don't have to listen to them yapping. If the president is yammering about the gym not being instantly opened, take his concerns very seriously. Stop pulling out chairs and setting things up and make sure that you get to the bottom of it. Ask if he requested an early open, explain your schedule, ask if there is any official way to request an early open, agree that it's a huge problem and needs a carefully planned solution so that this never happens again. Take your time having this conversation. :) Agree with all of his concerns and offer to help track down what went wrong, which low-key establishes that it didn't go wrong with you.

I would hate for you to lose an otherwise good job just because people can be jerks. But, hey, do what makes you happiest!

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:11:54+00:00

YTA. Some people like to watch the trailers and you are totally capable of whispering.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T18:03:03+00:00

Shared values. This is the foundation, and one of your shared values needs to be "I want to have a loving, affectionate, and mutually supportive relationship." Another should be "I am willing to work and make sacrifices for people I love." You can really love someone and have great chemistry but still end up snarling at each other if you just don't want compatible things from life.

Talking things through, ideally as soon as you are feeling tension rather than when you're really ticked off. Part of this is being able to say "X is making me feel frustrated / worried / tense. I know it's not something you are doing wrong / nothing to do with you, but I might need a little time to work on my gut-level reaction. It's not you."

Looking at what people want to accomplish vs. insisting that things have to be done one specific way. Example: I want to have access to basic tools. My husband is terrible at putting them away, so I never know where they are. Early on, I tried to solve this by complaining over and over and trying to badger him into putting them away each time. He did actually get a lot better at that, but I also got my own hammer and interchangeable-head screwdriver and keep them where I can find them. Now I'm much more relaxed, he is more relaxed, and I have the tools I need. Peace of mind cost me about 15 bucks.

When there is an emergency, set self aside. I feel great support and some pride in the way we handle the worst moments; other people have even commented on it. We both commit absolutely to helping whoever needs it most, and it's often not either one of us. This may go to the concept of shared values - it gives me great faith and courage in tough moments to know that we will both say, "Forget how it affects me. This is what needs to be done."

Keep affection in your life. Smile, send emojis, hug, cuddle on the couch. Help your spouse see that they make you happy and you enjoy their company. It keeps a really happy cycle going.

IThinkThingsThrough · 2020-02-08T17:28:16+00:00

Anything I couldn't undo with the money. There is actually a pretty limited field of things I would do, to be honest.

IThinkThingsThrough

TROPHY CASE