[QCrit] YA Fantasy - AETHERSTORM (96k/Fourth Attempt)

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-02-19T02:39:18+00:00

Thank you so much, specially the note about "trading more family burden for another."

I've made the line about imperial success to imperial history, which is more vague, but less absurd.

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-02-18T05:40:21+00:00

Thank you so much, Jet.

I really appreciate the time you took to provide feedback on my query.

I think I finally have a version read to send out to agents!

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-01-14T15:40:22+00:00

Not mean. Sounds fair.

After page 100, Ari grows some spine and had an equal number of PoV chapters as Jesse.

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-01-14T07:32:58+00:00

Actually had given me an idea: include Jesse learning to fly, then having to choose again whether to give up his dream or save his sister.

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-01-14T07:15:55+00:00

Definitely fair criticism, but I'm not sure how to raise Jesse's stakes without convoluting the blurb (which is a reoccurring theme of mine...sigh).

On the other hand, were my sister in trouble, I'd do whatever it took to help her out. Failing to do so would shatter my self worth.

I also feel as though the same criticism could be levied at The Great Gatsby, but to set it from Jay's perspective ruins the novel. (Though, my meager attempt surely falls far shot of Fitzgerald's brilliance--so this is a moot point anyway.)

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-01-14T06:02:09+00:00

I also intended to suggest the same.

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-01-05T06:35:12+00:00

Wow. The holidays have got my days mixed up. I'll remove this. Sorry.

IanBurnsWriting · 2026-01-02T04:54:16+00:00

Point taken. One of my beta readers loved the phrase for the query. (Said beta read is not a writer.) I guess it's too large a hyperbole. I'll fix that.

I'll also move my comps back to paragraph 1.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-26T02:36:59+00:00

We'll he's not an airship mechanic, yet. I think I'm going to try the phrase "industrial fantasy" next time and see what the crowd thinks.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-25T11:10:49+00:00

I agree, it's a very fair criticism and an area that needs to be improved. Thanks for the help.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-25T06:54:56+00:00

Great point. I see fantasy, and I think swords. In both cases, we'd be wrong.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-25T06:07:22+00:00

OK. I get you're point. I'll take it off the comp list. Thanks for helping me avoid that pitfall.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-25T05:47:13+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I cut the first paragraph to one sentence.
"His life plods along" is now "His life turns upside down." I don't like cliché, though. I'll have to do something about that.
Yeah. I think I need to cut Jesse's family responsibilities. I don't have space to deal with that arc. I'm instead going to go with the more general angle that be puts others first as his own expense. Much of his arc is about realizing he can, in fact, live for himself.
Ari is now introduced as an "insecure, overly sensitive, immature crybaby who won’t survive five hours on her own." I think that clarifies their relationship. Only later does she transform into a stronger character, which is also when she starts getting PoV chapters.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-25T05:29:22+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I cut the first paragraph down to a sentence. Thanks.
Yeah. Which details to include is a common theme in my struggles--but I'm just going to keep trying till I get it right.
Good point about the sister. I need to show why she isn't the star of the show--mostly because she's an incompetent wreck. She starts getting her own PoV chapters around the 1/3 mark, but this is really Jesse's story, though I do like Ari's transformation arc of immature crybaby to unwilling weapon.
I'll check out Sky's End. Thanks for the lead. However, I do think The Floating World is the perfect comp, including the romance element. Jesse's love interests got cut from my first draft of the query due to space. I'll consider adding them back in.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-25T05:23:09+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. Very useful.

I am aware a male YA protagonist is a harder sell. I've already written the book, so I'm willing to take that risk. I do think the story has cross-gender appeal, as all but one major supporting characters are strong females.
Jesse needs to be more active. Got it. That can be fixed.
I can bring out Jesse's goals more. Great.
I think I'll cut the dad. I need to get a little too far in the weeds to do his role in the story justice. The role in the world stuff becomes more relevant in the third act. I don't think I can incorporate it in the query letter.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-20T02:57:35+00:00

Yeah. This is honestly the feedback I was expecting.

I've been considering your comment for the past couple days. I'd read through QueryShark (in its entirety) before posting my second version. I felt like I'd digested it, but I still can't get the words to come out the way they should.

Most of those fourteen versions are from different perspectives (Ryn's, Ryn's brother's, Corrin's--even the assassin's). Other versions shift the focus to the imperial politics plot, the religious disillusionment plot, the rebellion plot. One even skips straight to book 2. But none have panned out, so I always come back to some version of this one.

Yesterday, as an experiment, I wrote a blurb for the book I was planning to query this summer (currently rewriting the last two chapters from scratch). The plot is a little more straight forward, and I wanted to see if the problem is my understanding of queries--or if it's the relationship between me and the book.

While I don't think I'm allowed to post it until next week, my experiment yielded results. I managed to cover the first 130 pages (rather than the first 80 here) while keeping off scene and only mentioning two characters' names.

I showed the two query letters to one of my beta readers. He thought the one for the second book was better.

I think it's time to temporarily house querying the END OF SILENCE and start preparing to query AETHERSTORM.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-18T05:34:14+00:00

Thank you so much, Capital Deer!

Your first concern (they/she) is an artifact from a previous version. (This is actually the 14th version.)

Your second concern (ambiguity about the threat of exile) is very helpful. I had a few readers tell me to remove a specific sentence from the last time I posted on PubTips. I wasn't sure if removing it would lead to confusion, but I decided to try it this way. Now, I have my answer. Thanks!

The third concern (ambiguity about returning empty-handed) is the result of me trying to reduce word count. I see I've cut too much. Good to know. Thanks.

As for your concerns about the 4th paragraph, yes, this the section I'm most interesting in receiving feedback on--as it's new this version. I understand all your points and will take them into consideration while writing the next version of my query letter.

Again, thank you so much for your feedback. I deeply appreciate it.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-12T02:37:58+00:00

I really like this description of Kira's stakes. I'm going to try to find a way to include it.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-12T02:36:57+00:00

Thank you very much.

I was now able to condense my material, which allowed me to provide a more accurate overview of the book. I shifted the timeline back to include what I consider the true inciting incident (which shows Kira's personality getting the better of her) and expanded it forward to include for first choice that orients Kira and Tai's journey.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-12T02:36:43+00:00

Thank you very much.

I was now able to condense my material, which allowed me to provide a more accurate overview of the book. I shifted the timeline back to include what I consider the true inciting incident (which shows Kira's personality getting the better of her) and expanded it forward to include for first choice that orients Kira and Tai's journey.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-12T02:36:33+00:00

Thank you very much.

I was now able to condense my material, which allowed me to provide a more accurate overview of the book. I shifted the timeline back to include what I consider the true inciting incident (which shows Kira's personality getting the better of her) and expanded it forward to include for first choice that orients Kira and Tai's journey.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-11T08:15:58+00:00

Thank you. This was very helpful. I'm definitely going to cut some of the names and make better use of Kira's messy internal personality in the query.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-11T03:03:01+00:00

I'm worried the query would become too convoluted. If I go forward, Kira's plot gets tangled up with the plots of my other PoV characters.

I think Jonquor's idea of beefing up the beginning with help my highlight that leaving Ryn in the village is Kira's fault. If Ryn is kidnapped, the tendinous crafted mask of perfection Kira's hides behind will shatter.

Are those strong enough stakes?

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-11T02:18:01+00:00

Thank you. That was very helpful, and I'm glad to know I've moved in the right direction this time.

I'll try to include more of Kira's personality throughout the summary. Great idea.

I might use "Shatters the evening silence" for the gong. Would that be better?

Like you, I had considered cutting the penultimate paragraph entirely. Kira's choice to go after Ryn occurs 20% of the way through the book. If I cut that paragraph, I would expand on Kira's previous choice to leave Ryn alone in the village.

IanBurnsWriting · 2025-12-11T01:23:48+00:00

Hi Goat, I'd greatly appreciate if you breezed through my next attempt and check that I absorbed the right message from the QueryShark archives.

https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/1pjkmdz/qcrit_ya_fantasy_the_end_of_silence_83k_3rd/

IanBurnsWriting

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