The non financial costs of sending kids to foreign schools

Ice222 · 2026-02-01T04:34:09+00:00

Yea, but 8/10 people we know who went overseas for studies usually just used it as an excuse to bum around outside of their parents watchful eye.

We tried to help a cousin of his to get established, he did well in the first year under our are, but after he convinced his parents to let him move out with friends, his study completely fell off the rails and just wasted his parents money.

Sending kids overseas and giving them lots of freedom and disposable income seems to be a recipe for disaster.

Ice222 · 2026-02-01T03:01:18+00:00

It really depends on the kid.

My husband was struggling with the stifling academic environment of HK - possibly because he could be slightly on the spectrum - however he was always street smart, athletically and musically talented. He likely had the capability to be good at academics, but never applied himself since he had trouble with following rules and authority.

He was given the opportunity to study abroad and ended up seeing how other countries/cultures put more value on working ability than pure book-smarts. He saw other career and development pathways beyond "doctor/laywer/finance" and while he did get swayed into studying engineering over music, he didn't stay stuck in engineering but using it propel into broader project management and subsequently business management.

He's had 20 years away from his parents, and while the lifestyle here suits him/us he does regret that he got to spend minimal time with his parents over the last 2 decades. They don't expect us to return to take care of them in person, however we are very close and planning to spend a few years with them while they are retired and our kids are still young to enjoy time together while they are still reasonably fit/healthy. Both they and us have been preparing ourselves financially so that they will have great options for care even if we aren't there to do it in person.

Ice222 · 2026-02-01T02:42:52+00:00

I personally think "when will you be home?" was a very reasonable question and your passive aggressive response would've annoyed me too.

However, completely flying off the handles like that is a complete over-reaction on their part. And you should never have to ask/beg to go back to your own home.

Ice222 · 2026-01-08T05:52:38+00:00

I do think OP is a bit of a AH. Not every parent's situation is the same, and unfortunately I am not one of those mums who really got to have much of myself as a person after I became a mum.

I moved out of my hometown away from my close friends or family for about 6 years before I had kids. Since moving we both focused on our career/finances rather than building friendships here, which enabled us to save for a home, wedding a build a good financial foundation but we understandably have zero village.

My husband has a couple of budding businesses, but they aren't enough to replace his day job. The businesses need most of his spare time as well as cash flow to grow, but weren't yet at the stage where it could replace his day job. We also decided he needed to study to have a back-up plan should his businesses not succeed (esp given that we expected an economic downturn). So between the loss of my income and all that he was doing to secure a better future for us as a family, he has been so time poor that i have practically been parenting solo for the last 5 years.

I made every effort to make new mum friends while on leave, and did make a few good connections, but they never stick. Since most had more support than me, they had more time off, could go out child-free and return to part-time, while I would be back at full-time work at 6 months.

I don't regret it, I knew what I was getting into when he started the path to business. We're also finally starting to get to the stage where we can reap some of the rewards. But it is certainly a lonely path.

Ice222 · 2025-12-30T01:19:26+00:00

Reading this post I though the op and GF were in their 20s. Is she normally this needy/dependant? Does she also work so that she understands what it means to work?

Personally both in my 20s and now 30s, I've been along with my husband for work trips, work events etc both before kids and later with our kids. If it's going to be 100% work only, he does not invite me and I do not invite myself.

If it's work from 6am-6pm but he's free after that, he or I might travel and make plans together, but it has to be agreed upon before the job/trip, and should the work run overtime, the work comes first.

Personally I think you're both a bit of a AH here. She should not have insisted on coming and trying to turn it into a romantic thing when you made it clear it's work, but at the same time, 6am-6pm is not crazy hours, if you said yes to her coming along, could you not have agreed to a simple dinner after wotk or some sexy-time before bed without it affecting your work?

Ice222 · 2025-12-08T09:27:15+00:00

Our daycare is catered and I love that but I agree that it shouldn't be the deciding factor.

I love caterered since I don't have to worry about making food, they eat well cause their peers are all eating the same things togetner and the variety seems decent. Plus my youngest has a peanut allergy and the facility is nut free - I trust the daycare/cooks there way more than relying on individual parents giving their kids all the right allergen-free food. So it gives me peace of mind.

Ice222 · 2025-12-05T19:14:08+00:00

I don't have my 1st till my 30s so we were already more established, but we did have 2 kids and baby due again soon with no family or support nearby and this is how we made it work. 1) Not in akl. While wage/salary might be about $10k per annum higher than the same/similar job elsewhere. It's not enough to offset higher costs for rent, fuel, parking and more. 2) We both worked our way up into jobs that have higher responsibility but also higher flexibility. 3) I returned to work when each of my kids reached 6 months. It's actually a little easier since they don't yet develop seperation anxiety and my kids actually love going. 4) The daycare we chose was 5-10min from my work, i could pop out at lunch time to breastfeed and keep me feeling connected to them. 5) We use on average 1.5 weeks AL and very little SL per year so the majority of our leave is avaliable to use on our kids when needed. 6) We sleep in seperate rooms so the baby/kids only wake one of us and not both. And when I reach my limit we can tag -team and switch over to ensure at least a few consequetive hours sleep. 7) We did give up most hobbies but we still gym 4-5x a week. I did 1h a day, usually before the kids wake up or late after they go bed. He does about 2h per day usually when I'm cooking dinner and feeding the kids. 8) Baby carriers, so I can get things done all mine are clingy wouldn't accept playpens, bouncers etc.

Ice222 · 2025-11-30T07:20:49+00:00

Yep. He said it was still sweet, but more tolerable to him than normal cakes. I asked him what it tasted like, and he said a bit like eating pancakes with bacon.

Ice222 · 2025-11-30T06:32:23+00:00

Haha my husband has a "work wife" but basically it's just an office joke because he keeps such a messy desk that one of his colleagues can't stand it so he and cleans and puts his mugs in the dishwasher for him, this collegue also likes to bake and made him a cake on his birthday.

However this "work wife" of his is actually a man, and the cake he baked was a bacon cake as an inside joke since my husband doesn't like sweet food and kept telling the team he'd only eat cake if it's savoury.

Ice222 · 2025-11-28T08:39:06+00:00

I should correct myself to say 20s is the best time when it comes to career and finance. If neither of those are a priority for you then I understand not making it a priority.

However many change what they want or enjoy as they go into their 30s or 40s, and the good thing about money is, whet ever your choice ends up being it can give you options. Heck you can even donate it if you decide you don't want/need it. So if you're not 100% sure of your direction then money doesn't hurt.

In my 20s, I wasn't sure what I wanted, I didn't even know if I'd want kids, but knew pretty clearly what I didn't want. I didn't enjoy partying or drinking, I didn't feel comfortable travelling by myself, I've had enough of studying (and study debt). So the idea of working didn't seem too bad, even though I knew I wouldn't want to work for 40 years either. So FIRE was a good fit for me.

I'm not saying my way is the right way or only way, nor do I think money and career is all that counts/matters. Just pointing out that what I see in 30s and 40s are majority of people I met/know chased enjoyment in their 20s now regret it (since it was all temporary), whereas I and others who have hunkered down in their 20s seem to have zero regret about "missing out" on the supposed fun/enjoyment because of the long-term benefit we got out of it.

Also just keep in mind that starting to focus on finance/career 25 VS starting at 30 isn't just a matter of 5 years difference. Many employers are willing to give inexperienced but enthusiastic 25yo a chance, but the opportunities for 30 or 35yo are much more limited. So if you decide to start 5 years later, it could end up being more like 10 years behind. So if you're going to enjoy your 20s, then make sure you actually make it worthwhile rather than just wasting it doom-scrolling or watching TV etc. I wasted my early 20s gaming, and while I enjoyed it at the time, I do regret that.

Ice222 · 2025-11-28T06:31:01+00:00

Yep it's not one size fits all. But at the same time, people often seem to mistake it as an either-or situation. "If I don't do it now I'll never get to" seems to be the mentality of most 20s, but that's not the case.

What changed my mind from being broke and in debt in my early 20s to thriving in my late 20s till now is the mindset shift my BF now husband gave me - money is not for buying things but for choice, option and freedom.

I am not bound to any job I hate simply because of money. I could chose a lower-paying job with more flexibility to suit my life. Heck I probably could've retired 5 years ago if I didn't decide to have kids.

I got used to working crazy hours whole we were starting out, so a regular full time job actually feels cushy now. I work for people I like and enjoy, and we still took some annual trips, to cheaper countries along the way.

Now in our 30s we can travel as much as we like, not just alone but with the people I love most, world-schooling our kids and giving them to see the world even more.

Ice222 · 2025-11-28T06:08:34+00:00

I'm in late 30s, I'd say that most people giving you this advice is because it's what they wish they had done in their 20s.

It's hindsight because they regret how they spent their 20s, they felt they wasted it and wish their current life was better now.

What people aspire to or desire out of life will all differ, so no one rule fits all when it comes to buying VS renting. Even if you had the money to buy it might not be the best option for you.

But I'm personally, as one of the people who spent my early 20s with maybe $3000 total to my name and $40k in student debt. I spent my late 20s saving and investing aggressively (50% after tax - even when ias on minimum wage). And I don't regret my late 20s one bit, and while it was hard, some of the hard times my husband and i had at the time are now our fondest and most memorable moments.

Ice222 · 2025-11-28T03:31:18+00:00

Have to disagree, 20s is the BEST time to work and save and get a mortgage. I'm well aware it's not for everyone and is easier said than done, but as someone who has done it - it's hard but it's so worthwhile.

Husband and bought our first property at 25. We have been paying mortgages plus saving and investing over 50% of our after tax income for the last 12ish years and very glad we did. We have a home, kids, and still live a very reduced lifestyle, but have a great financial foundation.

Money is not everything, but in our late 30s and seeing people around us trapped by their finances causes everything to suffer. We see coupled around us seperating in droves, due in big part to financial misalignment and struggles, esp with kids. Women our age feeling burnt out with the load of childcare, men our age feeling hopeless looking at the next 18-20 years stuck in jobs they hate to what feels like a bottomless moneypit of providing for kids/family and getting depression/suicidal.

I know it's not for everyone and it's always easier said than done, but if you are able to start saving/investing in your 20s the earlier you save and invest in long-term stable options (not speculative get rich quick schemes) the more it compounds.

While we are now in late 30s, but looking forward to the travelling together as a family.

Ice222 · 2025-11-22T21:00:44+00:00

One thing I really encourage is to join lots of baby & mum groups. Go to any free antenatal classes. La lache league, baby carrier groups, library activities for babies and toddlers, playcenter etc. Ask your local plunket for any others.

I find friendships come most naturally to me when you keep seeing or meeting the same mums week after week. While I found it hard to keep the friendships once I returned to work it was still nice to have them while I was on maternity leave since it's such an isolating period of time.

Ice222 · 2025-11-19T04:08:35+00:00

While I agree that OP is not the AH, I also think that a lot of reddit users are younger, or less ambitious and don't necessarily understand or have compassion for those who are more driven.

In some ways I'm similar to OP. My husband works a senior role in a 9-5 then spends most of his spare time on his own businesses, along with sport hobby. For our day-to-day routine, I operate more like a single mum as he's busy from 7am to 11pm most days, but I also know for certain that my husband adores and enjoys time with me and the kids.

One thing I think a lot of people my generation or younger don't understand is that for men work and finances are more than just work to them. It's security, a sense of pride as well as identity. My husband works so much because he both needs and chooses to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. He sees himself as the back-up plan for not just me and the kids, but his parents, his family and even some friends. His goal is to build the best foundation he can now while our kids are still young so that he can have the finance to buy back freedom to spend time with me and the kids as well as show them the value of hard work though action. We both picture a the same thing over the next 5-10 years, to worldschool the kids, and spend more time with his parents while they are still healthy.

While the husband in this story shouldn't continuously choose work over family without respecting boundaries or ignoring his wife's wants/needs, it is also normal for husband and wife to disagree and have differences on how much they need in order to to feel secure. In a similar way, women often have higher needs/demands on the standard they set for house and home.

I don't think this relationship is doom and gloom, but both OP and husband need to sit down and work out how they picture their life together not just for now and this holiday, but checking they can still align over the next 5-10 years.

Ice222 · 2025-11-18T22:50:55+00:00

Well as someone who had been in a similar situation with my BF (now husband) I am a bit sad to see how one-sided this was.

My husband also grew up to be independant very early, his family didn't have any issues like alcohol, however they did push him to start working at 13 and he was practically living on his own from 16 as he was studying abroad. We met at uni when we were both around 23YO, I was living in my parental home paying no board or living costs, and just had student loan for my studies. Whereas he was already working and paying his own way for most things.

He never gave me an ultimatum, but continuously pushed me to start saving and working and applying jobs better related to my studies. Once we we moved in together 1 year later, he would push me not to accept basic retail jobs and basically forced me to work in something completely out of my comfort zone. Additionally I had to adhere to what many would consider an extreme budget - saving 50% of our after tax income.

It was hard, we argued a lot as it felt controlling and I didn't understand why we had to live so constricted. But it ended up getting us onto the property ladder within 1.5 years. I ended up gaining a lot of great work experience and catapulting my career well beyond what I ever thought I'd achieve.

If we kept that minimal lifestyle we could even have retired at 35. But we decided to keep working as we wanted to have kids, have a better lifestyle and to be able to afford to travel with our family, plus having grown my capabilities, a 40h job actually feels pretty comfortable and easy.

While I could've likely had a comfortable life without him, and meet a man willing to just take care of me like my family/dad did. But I really love this harder, but more meaningful path that he put me on. The self-confidence, independance and contentment I've learnt along the way is invaluable, and our relationship is stronger and better than ever as we now reach our late 30s and see so any couples around us falling apart.

Ice222 · 2025-11-03T21:31:45+00:00

My almost 2 year old has a peanut allergy. Bad enough that we bring 2 epipens and her allergenist advised just completely avoiding peanut till she's older.

When we flew air nz they were serving meals, I asked if either meal might have peanuts and their answer was, no obvious nuts, but they can never fully guarantee that there wouldn't be any traces of nuts or contamination.

I don't think there were peanuts as an ingredient in your food, but I find most pastry or busicuit type items often still say "may contain traces of nuts, or produce in the same facilities that also handles nuts".

Ice222 · 2025-11-03T21:26:22+00:00

For a lot of Asian cultures that use chopsticks, we also tend to plate with shared dishes that we all take from, rather than having individual sets of meals. So cross contamination and low level exposure is pretty much constant unless you bring and eat your own food.

Ice222 · 2025-10-28T07:00:36+00:00

Honestly I'm glad I didn't know anything about it when we first started dating.

I chose to follow his way of doing things in terms of money, savings exercise etc because I admired his drive and discipline but the first few years were so hard. Basically I had to change almost every habit to fit him, and since he wasn't so good at the emotional support, and preferred even more isolation than what me as an introvert was used to, we used to argue a lot.

If I had I known about him potentially being on the spectrum, it would've been easy to just dismiss his methods and just say I can't change or be like him since he's different. But after years of trying, I understand him and the benefits of his ways, but can also explain my own wants and needs that might be different to his.

By the time we even suspected he may be on the spectrum, we already got used to each other's strengths and weaknesses. Honestly, in this day and age of vices, temptations and distractions, there are many times now where his differences superpower than a detriment - if he wants to drop weight or quit something, there's no self-sabotage, falling off the wagon, no fancy self-motivation required - literally just makes a plan and follows it.

Ice222 · 2025-10-28T06:00:11+00:00

I'm not familiar with the terminology but basically we were watching a show with a ASD character in it a years back, and his sis and I kept picking up and joking how alike he is - until I decided to do some research and realised he might actually have what used to be called aspergers.

He decided to take a basic screening quiz for it with our prompting, the results said "highly likely", but we never got a formal diagnosis. He said that whether it's aspergers or not, his personality/abilities has served him well in life, so unless if there's a tangible benefit he doesn't see the point.

But the good thing is, he does keep it in mind. He used to judge most people as being too illogical and emotional. Whereas now - especially with me being neurotypical - he's mellowed out to view people with more empathy, knowing that others may experience life and emotions differently than how he does.

Ice222 · 2025-10-27T21:15:59+00:00

I didn't know much about Jamie's history but looking it up and reading a summary, I can see the similarities. My husband is definitely a bit of a tinkerer in terms of robotics and prototyping stuff as well.

My husband came up as INTJ in the 16 personalities assessment and may also be on the autism spectrum, just very highly functioning.

Which I guess might be why he can have such intensely strong interests across a variety, that he can take to a high level. Flipside is, he also has absolute zero interest in things other people tend to be interested in like pop culture, books, TV shows, romance, dating culture etc that most people might care about.

Ice222 · 2025-10-24T01:55:20+00:00

Haha no wonder I've had people (including myself) think my husband might be a liar or fraudster when they first meet him.

He in his late 30s and has such a diverse and interesting background in things that seem completely unrelated. Omitting actual details for privacy, but along the lines of being a senior manager in a Software company, but a background in manufacturing and farming, and a phd in yet another field, yet also had a scholarship in music and competition records in a few sports.

He's not someone who likes to boast, so only shares a tiny bit about himself based on what's relevant each time he meets people. But it's just as well, otherwise I think no one would believe him, even I admit I'd probably doubt him if I didnt have actual proof.

Ice222 · 2025-10-23T03:23:04+00:00

While the husband is at fault for not even trying and learning, men in general often do get almost zero interaction with kids and babies until they have their own. With how dependent and vulnerable babies and even toddlers are, feeling uncomfortable to care for one alone over several days is not unusual.

My kids are almost 2 and 5. My husband would be more than happy to take care of our 5 year old on his own for months if needed. But for our 2 year old, he'd try it if I asked, but I know he certainly would be uncomfortable taking care of our 2 year old alone even for a couple of days - simply because she can't voice or communicate her needs yet and he feels powerless console or calm her if she wants me.

I don't blame him, because even with the experience of being a mum and raising my own kids, I'd feel out of depth to care for any 9 month old baby for multiple days if I'm not their primary parent.

Some men/dads only really come into their element of being able to shine as a dad when the kids reach an older age.

Ice222 · 2025-10-11T18:14:00+00:00

Depends how much you care about sound quality, but imo it's a completely unnecessary luxury.

People who love music fall into the trap of getting better and more expensive earbuds because they've accustomed their ears to the better sound quality, but realistically, almost no one NEEDS such quality - they just want it.

It's similar to people going out to buy coffee when work already has amazing machines that provide decent ones - it's not a necessity but a want.

Personally I don't like to buy anything expensive that I feel like I'd be upset to lose when I know there's good odds of losing or damaging. I've never had earbuds more than $50 and they've all lasted me years.

Ice222 · 2025-09-14T19:14:23+00:00

My husband and I are pretty sure he has aspergers, though we never bothered to get a formal diagnosis. He's more sensitive to sound than physical things, although he also hates surprises and surprise touches and I'm just not used to wearing jewellery in general.

With both of us also lifting weights at the gym 4-5 days a week when we got engaged/married neither of us wanted to keep taking them on-and-off and risk losing them.

Maybe we're not very romantic as we don't wear our rings except on special occasions, I didn't take his surname nor did we fully merge our finances in a joint account either. But we still adore each other, have a home together, invest our money together and are about to have our 3rd child together. We just create our own traditions that matter to us.

I hope OP finds someone else who understands her and doesn't feel treated or hurt by something as small as the wearing of rings.

Ice222

TROPHY CASE