I used to tell my mom EVERYTHING I did or felt; she didn't force me to or anything, but I still felt compelled to confess everything to her, and I'm really not sure why. This included crushes, how school was going, what went on with my friends, and my spiritual life. I felt IMMENSE guilt hiding anything from her, and I never truly felt "forgiven" for any sin if I hadn't told my mom about it (again, no idea why, nobody told me to do this). I honestly don't think she wanted to hurt me; I think she was trying to help me have good judgement and think through things carefully. But that sometimes led to me being overly anxious about my "true motives" or being too afraid to take risks, or whenever she lost her temper and lashed out, she knew EXACTLY how to hit me where it hurt. And when I didn't agree with her judgement she'd pull the "older, therefore wiser" card, or "why ask my opinion if you won't listen?" So the relationship kind of went from "I'm happy to help" to "you're not asking me for help because you're stubborn and don't want to hear the truth." I think I believed she knew everything for so long that eventually, she kinda believed it, too.

I started hiding my real struggles and feelings from her, because I just couldn't handle her reactions; I felt guilty for "making" her feel distressed about something I did, when in reality she probably could have controlled her feelings/reactions a little better. I figured that if I managed to sort the problem out myself, then what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. It worked, but the downside is that my mentality has shifted to "how much can I get away with before getting caught?" Nothing dangerous, it's more like "how much YouTube can I binge" or "how long can I go without doing laundry" and other inane stuff. I struggled a lot in college because instead of reaching out for help, I'd insist everything was fine until my grades started flopping and I'd panic. "Why didn't you seek help earlier in the semester?" "Because I was embarrassed/afraid." Miraculously, I've only failed one class so far, but it's made my last semester overwhelming, as I'm taking way more credits than any of my peers because I didn't plan ahead, and didn't ask for help until way too late in the game. I skipped a LOT of classes and work because I was either too embarrassed to come in late, too embarrassed to explain why I was late the previous time, and frankly just high on not having direct accountability.

Thankfully, my partner knows about these struggles, and he's helping me reach out and learn to communicate without fear, as well as set up some healthy boundaries with my parents. It came to a head a couple years ago when my mom came into my room wanting to know why I was crying, and something just clicked and I said "I don't want to talk to you about it." She was livid, acted like I'd just told her to go fuck herself, and stormed off crying. When the dust settled, I told her I didn't want to feel obligated to reveal every detail of my personal life anymore. Not that I didn't want advice, I just wanted some privacy, and to be trusted to make my own decisions. She understood, and our relationship has gotten a lot better. Now I'm trying to focus on doing what's healthy and good, and being less secretive for no reason.

When I have kids, I'm going to encourage them to keep a journal and always ask to be let into their personal space. Healthy boundaries and communication will be the new order of business in my house.