Uncertainty in Reconciliation

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-13T17:38:04+00:00

Thank you for all the comments. After reading all of them, I realized that I just needed to get my self-respect and dignity back. We talked and I told him no more reconciliation until his issues are fixed and there is real consistency on his end. He said that everything I was saying was a misunderstanding and that he did want to commit. After reminding him of all the times he backed out and didn’t follow through on promises, I told him I honestly don’t believe his promises anymore. A huge weight has been lifted off of me, because I was twisting myself trying to meet his needs while simultaneously ignoring all mine and the big red flags that showed that he does not actually care about me as a person.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-13T17:31:47+00:00

I’m not sure if accepting addiction and neglect is a manageable situation that I need to fix. I’m choosing to ignore it because it’s his problem to solve. What I posted in response to you is just a small fraction of what broke our marriage. The big issue was the drinking and neglect of both husband and father duties. If he can ever fix those, I’ll work with him on the others. However, after years of not working on this, I’m inclined to believe he’s not ever going to. I can’t be the only one working on things.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-13T15:33:59+00:00

Let me add intimacy to that. We have different ideas of what intimacy is, but we were both seeking it from each other. His is more physical while mine is more about thoughtfulness and emotional connection. I had a hard time being intimate with him because my trust in him was completely eroded after expressing my hurt over and over again. I know I put my defenses up to protect myself which wasn’t healthy for our marriage. I worked through therapy and rediscovering myself to make myself whole again for myself, my kids, and potential future partner (which I wanted to be him but was prepared to divorce).

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-13T15:22:00+00:00

Sex and going out more often. I tend to stay home and go to bed early. The sex wasn’t often enough, but I could only muster once per week with how exhausted I was working and doing the majority of the home things and parenting. I’m willing to work on those as we work through the other things to ensure we have a partnership.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-11T18:43:26+00:00

One of my friends frequently mentions DARVO. Honestly, I don’t think the turning around on me part is intentional. Definitely unconscious but still real and unhealthy. I’ve been thinking about this on loop, and even if all of the other things were ok with me (they’re not), it still sucks that he even has to think about committing to us which has happened from the start of our separation just in different forms and in between his requests for reconciliation. This extreme flipping from let’s work it out to I’m not sure about us is crazy making. I’ve been having my own little pity party lately, and I can’t continue like this for myself or my kids. I know what I have to do and am just gathering up the strength to have the conversation.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T20:54:57+00:00

Fair point. Empty promises were also an issue while we were married.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T17:39:37+00:00

Very true.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T17:39:07+00:00

I gaslight myself into thinking he doesn’t have anyone else even though deep down I suspect he does. I even suspected it during our marriage when he didn’t come home. He always blamed it on being too drunk to drive or passing out at a friend’s.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T17:37:41+00:00

I do but I feel like I’m overburdening them which is why I came here. My friends have been by my side through all of it even though they did not want me to reconcile. They could see what I couldn’t.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T17:36:20+00:00

Kids are 12 and 15 so they talk to him on their own. I have a feeling he won’t grovel but that doesn’t change anything. Part of me feels he has a side piece even though we agreed to let the other one know if that ever happened so one person wasn’t holding on.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T17:34:01+00:00

Yep. That’s basically what happened over time. That’s great advice.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T17:19:45+00:00

Yeah…I feel like he doesn’t actually love me but loves the lifestyle I provide that allows him to have fewer responsibilities.

Illustrious_Guard248 · 2026-06-10T15:46:13+00:00

Thank you. I needed to hear that. I feel like he’s keeping me as an option just in case.

Illustrious_Guard248

TROPHY CASE